Mommy (edit 1)

[LaughGiraffe]

Okay here's my first edit of the poem:

She,
the air at first, so vital and immeasurable,
with time became music;
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And she, under heart's cessation,
then laid to rest with spade and earth.
What now beneath kelly blades and jade stems?
She was the human body's lightest part;
suddenly stardust scattered
across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I, an adult somehow torn from a child's crib,
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her whittled sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She is unearthly dots connected;
a cold constellation
bringing light that couldn't possibly be enough,
but it must be,
for I have understood the gun's allure
but know not the steely taste of tranquility.



Original
She,
the air at first
so vital, immeasurable.
With time, the music,
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And then, under heart's betrayal,
steel blade met unwinding thread.
She,
suddenly stardust
scattered across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I,
an adult somehow torn from crib
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her pinpoints of sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She,
now unearthly dots connected,
a constellation of no warmth
and minuscule light that is not nearly enough
but it must be,
for I have understood the draw of the gun
but know not the taste.

[Erthona]

Hello LG.

Purely for the sake of example, this line:

"steel blade met unwinding thread."

I'm thinking might mean the umbilical cord was cut. Supposing I am correct, why would you write what you did rather than

"the umbilical cord was cut"

The rest of the poem is even less clear, not to mention ungrammatical.

If we put one of your sentences as a sentence it reads:

"She, now unearthly dots connected, a constellation of no warmth and minuscule light that is not nearly enough but it must be,
for I have understood the draw of the gun but know not the taste.

I can find no sense in that. Assuming when you say "she" you mean "mother" it might read:

Mother is now unearthly dots (that are) connected; a constellation of coldness and (a) minuscule light, that is not nearly enough. Lets stop there. Which part of this non-sentences are you referring to when you say that it is not. nearly enough? By the wording it is singular. So does that refer to (a) minuscule light, a constellation of coldness, or unearthly dots?

OK further:

"for I have understood the draw of the gun"

Does this mean, you have understood the feeling of being drawn to a gun, or you have understood the feeling of drawing a gun?

and finally: "but know not the taste." As none of the above list of things has a taste, one most assume you are speaking metaphorically? Let's guess, just for fun, that by taste you somehow mean firing the gun. So maybe you are saying you have drawn a gun, but have not fired one. Then why did you not say "I have drawn a gun but not fired one"?

This poem, if it has a point, is so covered up by gibberish that it might as well not have a point.

If someone wrote a poem in a foreign language and then ran it through one of the free online translators, I would expect it to make more sense than this.

The one thing I can say with certainty is that whatever this is suppose to mean, it does not.

Best,


Dale

[LaughGiraffe]

Thanks for the critique Dale. I made some changes that I hope will clear things up some.

[Brownlie]

Okay here's my first edit of the poem:

She,
the air at first, so vital and immeasurable,
with time became music;
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And she, under heart's cessation,
then laid to rest with spade and earth.
What now beneath kelly blades and jade stems?
She was the human body's lightest part;
suddenly stardust scattered
across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I, an adult somehow torn from a child's crib,
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her whittled sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She is unearthly dots connected;
a cold constellation
bringing light that couldn't possibly be enough,
but it must be,
for I have understood the gun's allure
but know not the steely taste of tranquility.



Original
She,
the air at first
so vital, immeasurable.
With time, the music,
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And then, under heart's betrayal,
steel blade met unwinding thread.
She,
suddenly stardust
scattered across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I,
an adult somehow torn from crib
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her pinpoints of sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She,
now unearthly dots connected,
a constellation of no warmth
and minuscule light that is not nearly enough
but it must be,
for I have understood the draw of the gun
but know not the taste.

I would fix the statements that say I and then use a comma.

[LaughGiraffe]

I don't think I fully understand what you mean by that Brownlie? Like take the I's out altogether?

[Brownlie]

Okay here's my first edit of the poem:

She, -- Maybe even she is instead of she. However, this is less of a problem then the instance of I followed by a comma.
the air at first, so vital and immeasurable,
with time became music;
unnecessary but still fully necessary. -- Maybe this theme could be conveyed with a more exact word?
And she, under heart's cessation,
then laid to rest with spade and earth.
What now beneath kelly blades and jade stems?
She was the human body's lightest part;
suddenly stardust scattered
across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow, -- There is a problem here to maybe add is between agony and hammer.
I knew at once broken ribs.
I, an adult somehow torn from a child's crib, -- I think the syntax is a little strange here. Why not say I am an adult? Maybe even get rid of somehow here unless you think it adds to the meaning.
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her whittled sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She is unearthly dots connected;
a cold constellation
bringing light that couldn't possibly be enough,
but it must be,
for I have understood the gun's allure
but know not the steely taste of tranquility.



Original
She,
the air at first
so vital, immeasurable.
With time, the music,
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And then, under heart's betrayal,
steel blade met unwinding thread.
She,
suddenly stardust
scattered across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I,
an adult somehow torn from crib
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her pinpoints of sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She,
now unearthly dots connected,
a constellation of no warmth
and minuscule light that is not nearly enough
but it must be,
for I have understood the draw of the gun
but know not the taste.

I made a little bolded comment hopefully that explains things a little better. Poetry can involve the use of line breaks to surprise the reader or emphasize an end word and it can utilize various metrical patterns to improve sonics, but I would be weary of omitting various words without a clear intent. I got the impression this was occurring in some of the lines I critiqued. However, there are some interesting metaphors and what not here so I applaud you for that. Hope this helps.

[poe]

Okay here's my first edit of the poem:

She, -- Maybe even she is instead of she. However, this is less of a problem then the instance of I followed by a comma.
the air at first, so vital and immeasurable,
with time became music;
unnecessary but still fully necessary. -- Maybe this theme could be conveyed with a more exact word?
And she, under heart's cessation,
then laid to rest with spade and earth.
What now beneath kelly blades and jade stems?
She was the human body's lightest part;
suddenly stardust scattered
across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow, -- There is a problem here to maybe add is between agony and hammer.
I knew at once broken ribs.
I, an adult somehow torn from a child's crib, -- I think the syntax is a little strange here. Why not say I am an adult? Maybe even get rid of somehow here unless you think it adds to the meaning.
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her whittled sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She is unearthly dots connected;
a cold constellation
bringing light that couldn't possibly be enough,
but it must be,
for I have understood the gun's allure
but know not the steely taste of tranquility.



Original
She,
the air at first
so vital, immeasurable.
With time, the music,
unnecessary but still fully necessary.
And then, under heart's betrayal,
steel blade met unwinding thread.
She,
suddenly stardust
scattered across inked expanse.
The agony a hammer's blow,
I knew at once broken ribs.
I,
an adult somehow torn from crib
crawling to the dark altar,
praying to her pinpoints of sunshine
with a heart gaped open.
She,
now unearthly dots connected,
a constellation of no warmth
and minuscule light that is not nearly enough
but it must be,
for I have understood the draw of the gun
but know not the taste.

I made a little bolded comment hopefully that explains things a little better. Poetry can involve the use of line breaks to surprise the reader or emphasize an end word and it can utilize various metrical patterns to improve sonics, but I would be weary of omitting various words without a clear intent. I got the impression this was occurring in some of the lines I critiqued. However, there are some interesting metaphors and what not here so I applaud you for that. Hope this helps.

The rewrite is much better for me. I feel I understand what is going on here. Yet you managed to retain the poetry. I'm not sure if you want the reader to think that the hammers blow is a metaphor for the pain of loss. If so then the broken ribs don't follow. I like.."she was the human body's lightest part; suddenly stardust scattered across inked expanse". Beautiful image. Also, ..torn from a child's crib,--crawling to the dark altar..."

[chancemorris]

New to poetry, can't comprehend why this is in the novice forum, I honestly got quite lost at some points. I have no idea what poetic devices you are using but it all sounds amazing!

[olive_morphia]

I love this. Very emotionally close. Especially love the sense of mom being this kind of airy, ephemeral substance.

A question: is the line "unnecessary but still fully necessary"...necessary? It doesn't seem to belong, and since it is neither necessary nor unnecessary, maybe don't include it at all. I am not even sure what it's referring to.

I'm not sure I understand the part about being torn from a crib. Seems like this might be referencing something concrete, but it isn't really clear, and is weird imagery.

And finally, what is 'whittled sunshine'?

With that said, though, I really like this.

[Isis]

There are a few things that I really like about this poem, but there are also a few things that lost me or confused me.


First, the stuff that I liked. Even though it's stated more baldly than I would state it, I'm interested by the idea of she (mommy) as music, "unnecessary but still fully necessary". I kind of want that to get elaborated on because I think it's interesting, like something worthy of a whole section of a longer poem, something that Walt Whitman might dwell on for awhile. But since this poem is on the short side and since brevity seems important here, I get why it's not elaborated on or explored more explicitly.

I also like the sound and resonance happening in "kelly blades and jade stems" - it took me a moment for the image to click, but I liked this once it did.

I'm also interested in what seems to be one of the main contrasts in the poem. I'm not sure if it's something that got consciously worked in or if it just emerged from the ideas. Now that the mother is in the ground (I'm interpreting this as a poem of reaction to a mother's death, please let me know if I'm way off base) she is all non-physical stuff: the air, music, stardust, unearthly dots, a constellation. And the speaker is mostly physical, talking about agony, broken ribs, and crawling like a child. I think that thread of ideas running through the poem helps me get the situation a little better, and also helps me get how the speaker feels about it.

I am confused by a few parts of this contrast, particularly this:

She was the human body's lightest part;
suddenly stardust scattered
across inked expanse.

This and "under heart's cessation" is where we get a reference to the body of the mother. But what is the human body's lightest part? The poem doesn't lead me there … I'm stuck her wondering, having a hard time moving on from my question to understand or care about her becoming stardust across the night sky.

I'm also a little bit confused by the very end of the poem:

bringing light that couldn't possibly be enough,
but it must be,
for I have understood the gun's allure
but know not the steely taste of tranquility.

Is it the mother who killed herself, or is it the speaker who feels drawn to the gun, tempted to use it in grief over the mother's passing? I think the poem is currently open-ended. That's one approach to ending the poem that could work, I think, but somehow I feel like that might not be intentional? If it's not, I'd suggest clarifying this in some way.

I also feel like the last line, and the way the poem ends on the concept of "tranquility" is a little bit oblique.

I hope you find this helpful - let me know if you want to discuss further.

[LorettaYoung]

Hi, is what you mean an adult torn from a crib refer to your cherished memories as a child that returned when she died. Would be interested to know more about the taste of the gun. l like the imagery and emotive stance; you have alot to work with and good advice-keep going. Loretta