A Young Soldier Returned from Israel

[laffitaffi]

A Young Soldier Returned from Israel.

His home on the Western hills overlooked
a river, stretched from a quaint town to clouded mountains.
Upon the balcony, he reunited with a reverent stillness while
his heart still marched with the humble vigour of ceremonious drums.

His thoughts served the air, flowed into his lungs
a sacred aroma of pine trees, older than he
while the spring wind of many centuries, cascaded
like a flock of sparrows through the country.

Then rose the distant mist
into wisps of clouds
symphonies of gulls
a play of hills
and a grand light
that gleamed too richly, like baroque angels trumpeting
fountains of holy wine

The soldiers calloused palms gripped the marble banister as the
sundry shadows of trees laid down, orphaned from the sun.

Israel’s eclipsed heavens
weighed slightly of silver in the desert
They all bellowed American songs
while the morning star reasonably
enlightened dust.


“Strange is this landscape” he thought.
the lush pines swayed gently
in the moon’s heathen light
as if forlorn in the folds of the Earth’s nightgown
he retreated inside
to kindle a young fire.

[Brownlie]

A Young Soldier Returned from Israel. -- Why returned as opposed to returns? Your formulation takes away individual agency from the soldier.

Hey, I thought this was pretty good.

His home on the Western hills overlooked
a river, stretched from a quaint town to clouded mountains.
Upon the balcony, he reunited with a reverent stillness while -- This seems to connect to the marble.
his heart still marched with the humble vigour of ceremonious drums.

His thoughts served the air, flowed into his lungs -- Served the air is pretty good, it sounds sort of like Romantic ideology.
a sacred aroma of pine trees, older than he
while the spring wind of many centuries, cascaded -- "The spring wind of many centuries" would be a cool way to describe America. Although if we are speaking technically the country really isn't that old yet, but I digress...
like a flock of sparrows through the country.

Then rose the distant mist
into wisps of clouds
symphonies of gulls -- You have a symphony of gulls creating a visual sensation which is interesting

a play of hills
and a grand light
that gleamed too richly, like baroque angels trumpeting -- The phrase "angels trumpeting" reminds of the flower.
fountains of holy wine

The soldiers calloused palms gripped the marble banister as the -- You have a nice juxtaposition of the living and rough handed soldier with the lifeless and smooth marble. Shadows as orphans of the sun is quite a cool concept.
sundry shadows of trees laid down, orphaned from the sun. --

Israel’s eclipsed heavens
weighed slightly of silver in the desert
They all bellowed American songs -- American songs is a somewhat abstracted formulation. The poem may benefit from a more specific reference to a certain song. or to a type of American songs.
while the morning star reasonably
enlightened dust.


“Strange is this landscape” he thought. --Comma after landscape. You might want to play with the syntax to make it sound a bit more natural, "This landscape is strange"
the lush pines swayed gently -- Maybe cutting some of the adjectives would be good, though this one in particular seems to be adding to some of your themes.

in the moon’s heathen light -- Well, technically the moon receives its light from the sun. Which I suppose made people associate it with the feminine. I guess it is sort of like reflected pagan light or something.
as if forlorn in the folds of the Earth’s nightgown
he retreated inside
to kindle a young fire. --This seems to sort of connect with the word "lush."

All in all you've got some real intriguing stuff here. Hopefully my comments can help you if you choose to edit.

[Celestina Waters]

Compare and contrast. Standing high with a view of the present, smells of the forest versus the desert, it seems easy to want to look back. Your imagery and dedication to your word choice is apparent. I was there with you on the balcony, in awe. The fire Is a fine symbol of letting go of the past. Welcome.
*
My favorite line: if forlorn in the folds of the Earth’s nightgown

[Erthona]

laffitaff,

A Palestinian soldier returns from Israel, would be my guess at what the title should be, but I dislike guessing and purposeful obfuscation.

The imagery is very good. The description of the country with some nice metaphors mixed in.

"Israel’s eclipsed heavens
weighed slightly of silver in the desert"

This might be slightly wishful thinking, but certainly there is a lot of financial support given to Israel,

This is one of my favorites:

"They all bellowed American songs
while the morning star reasonably
enlightened dust."

That has a nice satiric edge to it. Might as well enlighten dust as to cast pearls before swine.

Also enjoyed the double entendre of

"he retreated inside
to kindle a young fire."

Of course that is also sad as that is how these things keep going.

Your title could read "Some soldier comes home and here is a description of his home", as I think most who read this will miss the majority of your subtle references. Although I am willing to concede my unfamiliarity with the area could make things seem more obscure than they actually are.

I look forward to seeing more of your writing.

Best,

Dale

[LorettaYoung]

Stirring imagery and metaphors; and an overall sense of resignation, played through them. You have gotten excellent feedback. Hope to read more. Loretta