Alarm bells are ringing, it hears
Input should be moderated
Can't let it out again
Faces are amassing, it sees
Healthiness should be projected
Can't let it show again
Cars are running, it smells
Unhealthiness should be avoided
Can't let it shirk that again
It is in motion, it is deduced
Moving should be encouraged
Can't let it stifle again
The ground is vibrating, it feels
Speculation should be disregarded
Can't let it be fooled again
Large and coming fast, it knows
Fear should be ignored
Can't let it kill me again
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Joined: Feb 2017
(05-22-2014, 06:06 AM)Jambalaya Wrote: Alarm bells are ringing, it hears
Input should be moderated
Can't let it out again
Faces are amassing, it sees
Healthiness should be projected
Can't let it show again
Cars are running, it smells
Unhealthiness should be avoided
Can't let it shirk that again
It is in motion, it is deduced
Moving should be encouraged
Can't let it stifle again
The ground is vibrating, it feels
Speculation should be disregarded
Can't let it be fooled again
Large and coming fast, it knows
Fear should be ignored
Can't let it kill me again
Gestalts. Forget the centralising. Try to punctuate. It is cleverer to do it right than to do it wrong. Are you clever enough to punctuate to clarity?
On a general point this reads (deliberately? I do not have enough information) like a series of sub-routines in an old basic computer program. If that was your intention then result...go to bed happy. If not there is much to do. One question at a time. As it is, and for what it gives, I am not impressed...but that doesn't mean I'm hard to please. Fill it out and repost. Don't forget poetry.
Best,
tectak
I concede, I have paid no attention to punctuation. Nor is it a poem intended to impress anyone with clever use of written language. It's a story, thoughts condensed and molded into a format that emerged in the time spent on it. It's a vision, not a literary masterpiece and I do not expect to ever write one.
It reads better to me centered, easier to consume. I'm not that concerned with style, to be honest. I am interested in critique of the content: did I succeed in communicating my thoughts.
Not to say established techniques (of which I know precisely nothing) are irrelevant, but they are secondary to me. I only want to be understood or even better, be clearly misunderstood.
I find it interesting that you compare it to a computer program. I am a veteran computer programmer, so that's probably a valid observation. I guess I like to structure written language to resemble the orderly nature of well written computer programs. I'm sorry it did not please your synapses.
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Hi, Jamb, sorry, for me you did not succeed in communicating your thoughts. I can't figure out what the "it" you keep talking about is. With only partial punctuation I can't figure out "it" belongs to the first or second line and I end up with nonsense. Maybe you can edit the poem to clarify it for the reader. Good luck with it.
(05-22-2014, 06:06 AM)Jambalaya Wrote: Alarm bells are ringing, it hears
Input should be moderated
Can't let it out again
Faces are amassing, it sees
Healthiness should be projected
Can't let it show again
Cars are running, it smells
Unhealthiness should be avoided
Can't let it shirk that again
It is in motion, it is deduced
Moving should be encouraged
Can't let it stifle again
The ground is vibrating, it feels
Speculation should be disregarded
Can't let it be fooled again
Large and coming fast, it knows
Fear should be ignored
Can't let it kill me again
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
I might have condensed and molded it too much to make sense without being like-minded, sorry about that.
When you distrust your mind, perceiving using raw logic for interpretation and perceiving through a filter of conditioning (logic for the benefit of sanity) can feel like being different persons (or a state or being outside of your control, this is the "it").
When you distrust your mind, conclusions based on less input appear superior to those on more input, as the latter allows for more errors.
Because when you distrust your mind, you distrust the mechanism feeding observations to your consciousness.
I intended to describe the thoughts of a person having trouble dealing with reality, having learned himself coping techniques that make reality rationalizations. The story is set against a railway crossing.
I apparently failed. I dislike failure so I will try again, insights are much appreciated.
EDIT: Admittedly "it is deduced" is an anomaly, "it deduces" would be more appropriate.
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Joined: Dec 2016
I can only agree with what has been said. Did anyone say drop the center justify? If not, please do as it puts quite a burden on the reader. There needs to be a very thought out rationale for using center justify, unless it is concrete poetry and one is forming an image.
"Nor is it a poem intended to impress anyone with clever use of written language."
Writing clearly does not mean writing cleverly. I have read quite a few PhD dissertations that were written well, yet possessed not a hint of cleverness.
"a state or being outside of your control, this is the "it""
"state of being" is not a stand alone statement. It must read, "A state of being anger, a state of being happy, unless you are talking about a philosophical "state of being" which is not germane here. There is no state of being outside of one's control, unless one is insane, which you seem to offer enough proof to state that you are not. A lot of times we may use phrases such as "I just couldn't help myself" from doing whatever it was, but the truth is we made a choice to act poorly, but latter wished not to accept the blame for it, so we concoct such excuses. If we truly could not control our behavior we would need to be locked up somewhere so we would not be able to hurt ourselves or others.
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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Joined: May 2014
I think the good news for the speaker is that whatever it is that is killing him, it can only kill him once.
The speaker has nothing to worry about in that regard. I like the monitone dull sound of the poem though, it's detached.
I don't think of rail road crossings as alarms. Signal bells might maybe. Also the signals of mental illness. I'm assuming "it" is a ill mind. Or is the speaker not mentally ill? If the speaker not mentally ill why focus so much on random things as a means to hide truth?
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