Kind of a downer. Does this count as poetry? What devices do I need to put in?

[NBowers01]

I feel weird.
Like something's dragging me down.
And I just can't come back up.

I'm feeling better now
That weight is leaving now
But through my wrists, now

I feel weird
Like something's making me float
And I just want to come back down.

[RSaba]

I feel weird.
Like something's dragging me down.
And I just can't come back up.

I'm feeling better now
That weight is leaving now
But through my wrists, now

I feel weird
Like something's making me float
And I just want to come back down.

It's poetry if you want it to be. No need to "put in" any devices- they are to be used, not added. However, this reads simply and there is nothing interesting in the way things are described. Try finding your own way to describe something. Example: Don't use the word "weird." It means something different to everyone. Use something more visual- make a simile ("I feel LIKE a"). That is a poetic device.

You have a good base for an interesting, albeit dark, poem. Feels like drowning, interesting that the writer doesn't want to float up to the top. Try to take the images in your head and put them down on paper.

Great first try, and good luck. I'd like to see what you come up with.

[Mopkins]

hello, I'm no expert on what is and isn't poetry, and devices are to be planned and used from the outset, not added in like a spice to your cooking at the last minute.

I liked it - apart from the repetitive now's in the second stanza. Also weird is a bit vague... surely the protagonist is feeling depressed not weird at the start? It's a bit dark, but I liked the idea of 'rising up' from a wrist-slashing suicide into the next life. Not bad for an early effort. Marianne

[Erthona]

Maybe some correct grammar.

In the first stanza you say something is dragging you down, but in the second stanza you call it a weight. So that needs to be consistent.

A weight in my chest (?) is dragging me down and I cannot get up;
after a while the weight lessens and feels like it is leaking out my fingertips.

Sorry, no help for the third stanza, you're floating but you don't like it. Come on, that's just silly. Why don't you just say,

"I'm depressed, but then I'm not, but I sort of liked being depressed. Totally nonsensical.

You need to get clear in your head what it is you wish to write about. Preferably something that is not self contradictorily. Maybe try writing about something simple, but not about yourself. Just an observation, nothing earth shaking.

About the best I can do for you,


Dale

PS Just curious about your nom de plume was "NBowers" already taken and so you had to settle for "NBowers01"? It sort of helps if you have a name without numbers as that helps people identify with you easier, or at least it does me. Just a thought as it seems you need to simplify things somewhat.

Best and welcome aboard and all that sort of trite stuff people say.

[billy]

I feel weird.
Like something's dragging me down.
And I just can't come back up.

I'm feeling better now
That weight is leaving now
But through my wrists, now

I feel weird
Like something's making me float
And I just want to come back down.

so the poem is saying
[i've slit my wrists and am bleeding out]

everything else means and shows the reader very little, using intangibles as statements doesn't really work.[ i feel weird like wet lettuce] would be a simile and those as well as cousin the [i'm a weird wet lettuce] metaphor convey much more. watch out for the repetitions, you have too many, all could be removed/changed without damaging the poem

[Erthona]

Oh yeah, you need to do some critiques on other people's poems, we expect about a 3 to 1 ratio. Three critiques to one poem posted. See you've already gotten four critiques on this one poem, so do you bit.