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Masses mostly mild
man made medicore
money maintains monarchy.
mysteries: mad-Masonry?
mind meshed mathematics?
meek made mighty?
Secrets shared
stories saved
simple solution.
Free from fetter -
follows ‘Founding Fathers’.
freedom’s finite failure
feeds fickle fear.
American always able.
REFORM
RIGHTS
RECOMPENSE
riding the underbelly is always safest when fleeing the cave guarded by the blind cyclops.
Nobody.Why? Nobody?
-ZM
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Hi, zmeansy, welcome.
The Annoying Alliteration made this seem more nonsensical than it is, aside from medicore, what's that?
Although the rest of it makes sense and has some interesting ideas, it comes across as a bit of a rant. I think you could turn the ideas into something worthwhile.
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips
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You can't have a serious poem with that much alliteration, this reads like a farce. It is also very very vague.
"
riding the underbelly is always safest when fleeing the cave guarded by the blind cyclops."
Say that aloud. Is this something you would want to hear in a rousing political speech? Is it really neccessary for the character to be a cyclops when its defining feature is useless and blind?
this line is tasteless dreck. No idea what you are going on about aside from some incredibly vague social commentary.
Especially when you talk about a cyclops, I feel like there is a joke that I am not in on.
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(05-10-2014, 05:45 PM)zmeansy Wrote: ----------------------------------------------------------------------
Masses mostly mild
man made medicore (mediocre?)
money maintains monarchy.
mysteries: mad-Masonry? (mysteries, mind, meek needs capital)
mind meshed mathematics?
meek made mighty?
Secrets shared (punctuation?)
stories saved
simple solution.
Free from fetter -
follows ‘Founding Fathers’.
freedom’s finite failure
feeds fickle fear.
American always able.
REFORM
RIGHTS
RECOMPENSE (why all caps?)
riding the underbelly is always safest when fleeing the cave guarded by the blind cyclops. (this long line looks out of place)
Nobody.Why? Nobody?
-ZM
About the only sense I got from this was the reference to the greek myth, where the heroes escape the cyclops' cave by hiding under the sheep's bellies, but I fail to see what that has to do with the rest of the poem, which seems to be an anti-society/freemasonry disjointed rant.
Looks like you've overdosed yourself with Gerald Manley Hopkins, to be writing every word alliteratively. Too much alliteration sounds ridiculous, and you end up using unsatisfactory words just for the sound of them, losing both the reader and the point you're trying to make in the poem. Just enough, and it adds a certain charm and beauty to the lines. If you like alliteration, I would suggest Hopkins as a good read, but even some of his are overdone IMHO.
Welcome to the forum, Marianne
I'm going to say ditto to what the others have said here. The alliteration is unnecessary..... It sounds forced.
To me I can't even focus on what the words are trying to say.....
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This is a bit like a conspiracy theorist's tirade. I recognize and appreciate the connection between Freemasons and America's Forefathers. I suppose the alliteration blitz is for drama in this diatribe, but it is too gimmicky. Hidden agenda or not, they sparked a great nation. I like the closing analogy and coda, but it could have been tied into the rest of the piece better, more than likely, by way of a less divisive poetic body.
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Hi,
There is a ton of ideas in this poem, you should try and develop more...Try to simplify, don't worry so much about the form.
U just brush off some topics...so it reads a little cliche, try to get to the bottom of what you are trying to say.
Cheers
Alex
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ZiM,
It seems as I recall, although I could be incorrect,that Odysseus escaped Polyphemus' cave tied to the bottom of a sheep, not a goat. I am assuming these lines are an allusion to that:
"riding the underbelly is always safest when fleeing the cave guarded
by the blind cyclops.
Nobody.Why? Nobody?"
I notice the use of the direct article "the" in conjunction with "blind cyclops", leading one to assume that this is the one and only "blind cyclops? Odysseus tells Polyphemus his name is "no one". "Nobody" was the name of the anti-hero in a spaghetti western starring Henry Fonda who is supposedly killed by a man named "Nobody", so that it read on his grave, "Nobody was faster". The name of the movie was, "My Name is Nobody". Of course the use of nobody in the "Percy Jackson" series may have also influenced the choice. So maybe some confusion of allusion there. Although I don't recall any goat riding in either of the movies, or the book. So, no goat riding it seems. where does this leave the title? As in the movie, I guess Nobody rides the goat. Bang!
The lack of correct punctuation hurts this poem from the start. The first three lines are meant to be read as sentences, are they not?
Masses mostly mild.
Man made mediocre.
Money maintains monarchy.
I am almost certain you meant the reader to see these as separate thoughts, although they are of course not independent sentences, neither do they form one when clumped together. Possibly a bullet list?
· masses mostly mild
· man made mediocre
· money maintains monarchy
The extreme use of alliteration is seriously, simply, silly. Someone said it seemed a farce, and I would agree, and further agree that this was not the intent. However, I think rant as political ideologue misses its mark as no one knows what the writer is talking about, partly due to poor punctuation, and partly to a simple lack of clarity.
This is more of a critique than I had intended, but fortune favors the fortunate, so there you go!
Best and welcome to the site, etc...
Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?
The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
Thanks Y'all.
I will refine from here.
