Under the Porch Light

[Caleb Murdock]

Caleb,

- The third line used to say, "Yet many a woman and most of men". I liked it, but most readers thought I was trying to flesh out the meter (I wasn't), so I removed "of". Does it sound good the way it stands now?
- Does the "outrageous/gorgeous" rhyme sound too strained or comical?
- Do you understand the "one and one and two" line?
I have other things to say about the poem, but I'll wait for some feedback first. One more thing: I wasn't trying to write a metrically perfect poem, so considerations about the meter aren't very important to me.

it is clear to me now that I was romanticizing old age. I think if you can correct the math problem, it's definitely worth keeping.>

Dale

Thank you so much! I haven't actually spent any time trying to change the "one and one and two" line because I was satisfied with it, but perhaps I should do that. How would it sound if I did it like this:

Let us be content to watch the end settle
Around us three — you and me and us —
Like the soft shawl held to our necks — an end
That is not an end, but the start of something new.

The problem with making that change is that then I am not hiding my meaning at all, which was one of the complaints from 71degrees. (And that would kill the rhyme.) I need to find a poetic way to make my point.

[Erthona]

Personally, I don't see any reason to hide your meaning. Poetry is not about taking something that is obvious and making it obscure, besides the idea of two becoming one is at least as old as Genesis. It would also be "you and I", not "you and me".

I didn't say anything earlier as you had not asked, but I would just drop the last stanza and end on

"Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star."

I think it might take out some of what you are referring to as the macabre, as there is no talk about and end, although I think it is implied.

Dale

[Caleb Murdock]

Personally, I don't see any reason to hide your meaning. Poetry is not about taking something that is obvious and making it obscure, besides the idea of two becoming one is at least as old as Genesis. It would also be "you and I", not "you and me".

I didn't say anything earlier as you had not asked, but I would just drop the last stanza and end on

"Walk with me to the porch; let us sit
And be content, as old folks often are;
One old hand wrapped tightly in another,
And the porch light just another star."

I think it might take some of what you are referring to as the macabre, as there is no talk about and end, although I think it is implied.

Dale

Thanks for your additional thoughts.

If I say "you and I", then I would have to say "you and I and we". Since that phrase is offset by dashes, does it matter if I use the subjective or the objective? However, I've decided not to make that change.

Dropping the last stanza is too drastic for me, as I feel that the poem doesn't come to a proper end. I'll have to tinker with the language. If I've romanticized old people, maybe it isn't such a bad thing. I've read lots of very good poetry which, in my opinion, expressed somewhat immature or unrealistic attitudes.

Thanks again!

[milo]

Personally, I don't see any reason to hide your meaning. Poetry is not about taking something that is obvious and making it obscure, besides the idea of two becoming one is at least as old as Genesis. It would also be "you and I", not "you and me".

Minor note - you and me and us is correct as the three form a compound object not a compound subject. An example of the two:

You and I and we drove a truck to the store.

A truck was driven over you and me and us.

It would never be you and I and us as that would mix the objective first person plural with the subjective first person singular.

[ChristopherSea]

Personally, I don't see any reason to hide your meaning. Poetry is not about taking something that is obvious and making it obscure, besides the idea of two becoming one is at least as old as Genesis. It would also be "you and I", not "you and me".

Minor note - you and me and us is correct as the three form a compound object not a compound subject. An example of the two:

You and I and we drove a truck to the store.

A truck was driven over you and me and us.

It would never be you and I and us as that would mix the objective first person plural with the subjective first person singular.

It is such a common mistake that many of us make. A good example of how to sort it milo.