Entitled #1 (and his Realtime Monologue)

[SilverMire]

V3, 7/2/14

I was born feet-first -
tough, hey? Gotta be
when your trade revolves
'round tropical fruit.
Like water, don't con-
form. Live latent. Stay
untapped as a nun's
rump,
  bombe glacée.
                I've
never sailed a boat.
That North Star nausea
doesn't sit with me.
Kids with strong stomachs
love getting their guts
whet - so I'll keep on
counting coconuts.

V2, 2/5/14

I was born feet-first
onto an island
whose trade revolves a-
round tropical fruit.
Enclosing us, an
ocean, sun-foam flecked,
untapped as a nun's
rump,
  bombe glacée.
                I've
never sailed a boat.
That North Star nausea
doesn't sit with me.
Anyway, kids have
stronger stomachs, so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.


V1, 28/4/14

I was born feet-first
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.

[RiverNotch]

I interpreted the poem's speaker as a person born into a mundane world, finding it pointless to try to escape it.

I was born feet-first Feet-first doesn't seem to add anything to the poem.
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,Light-point-flecked somehow feels like it makes the ocean less bleak, less void; I suggest changing it
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; soToddler's midnight? What does that exactly mean? Does it mean silent and somewhat holy, or does it mean loud and distressed, or unpredictable, or terrifying, or what? I suggest using a different simile here.
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.I think you need to develop the whole situation here before coming to this conclusion. Make the world away from your island seem more... more bleak, I guess.

[ChristopherSea]

I like the flow, brevity and image herein. The 'Sur round' and 'a void' seem a little gimmicky. The ocean is hardly a void when it comes to the natural history of any island. It supplies all of the resources for island populations. In fact, coconuts are ubiquitous due to their dispersal on seas and transportability by ship. However, I assume your void is more of image. Do you mean that a baby's midnight is hidden because they are always asleep at the hour? ...and why is the ocean so? Some things to think about perhaps in your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[tectak]

I like the flow, brevity and image herein. The 'Sur round' and 'a void' seem a little gimmicky. The ocean is hardly a void when it comes to the natural history of any island. It supplies all of the resources for island populations. In fact, coconuts are ubiquitous due to their dispersal on seas and transportability by ship. However, I assume your void is more of image. Do you mean that a baby's midnight is hidden because they are always asleep at the hour? ...and why is the ocean so? Some things to think about perhaps in your next edit. Cheers/Chris

I will come back to this as I am unsure of which soul/sole you mean.
En passant see Soul Trader, 2011, tectak this site.
Image wise I believe you struggle a little but there is a cameo in this which needs the light of day...as did mine

Best,
tectak

[Willpark]

I also like the imagery and the feel of the poem. Even though I don't really understand its message (or if it even has one), I don't think it matter for this poem, it stands well enough purely on its words. I would change the sur-round part though, that seems a bit odd and doesn't do anything for the poem.

[SilverMire]

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate your time. I've elaborated a little and changed a few things, hoping to make it clearer overall, and giving it a lighter, on-face-value-nonsensical tone. If anyone has an idea on the title, I'd love to hear it. Once again, thanks so much

[ChristopherSea]

V2, 2/5/12

I was born face-first
into an island
whose trade revolves a-
round, tropical fruit.
Enclosing us, an
ocean, sun-foam flecked,
untapped as a nun's
rump.
  bombe glacée
                I've
never sailed a boat.
That North Star nausea
doesn't sit with me.
Anyway, kids have
stronger stomachs, so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.


V1, 28/4/14

I was born feet-first
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.

Ha ha, Love that untapped metaphor, but is that Nun's rump really as tempting as bombe glacee?

[tectak]

V2, 2/5/12

I was born face-first
into an island
whose trade revolves a-
round, tropical fruit.
Enclosing us, an
ocean, sun-foam flecked,
untapped as a nun's
rump.
  bombe glacée
                I've
never sailed a boat.
That North Star nausea
doesn't sit with me.
Anyway, kids have
stronger stomachs, so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.


V1, 28/4/14

I was born feet-first
on an island whose
trade revolves around
tropical fruit. Sur-
rounding us, a void
ocean, light-point-flecked,
as latent as a
toddler's midnight; so
I think I'll keep on
counting coconuts.

Ha ha, Love that untapped metaphor, but is that Nun's rump really as tempting as bombe glacee?

Hi,
On version 1.
I am tempted to say that your orientation at birth is superfluous as you can reverse the expulsion direction to no real effect....as you did between edits. Further, I am unsure that you can be "born in to" an island, normally pretty solid stuff, these islands.
Now, not that I am an authority on enjambment and this being "mild" critique, I would still suggest that it is pretty pointles to split the word sur-rounding, but I would be interested to know why YOU thought it was a "good" idea.
Avoid "void". It is one of those single word cliches which by definition, purpose and intent means nothing. The word leads you in to traps which are generally schoolboy howlers. So we have a void ocean, totally empty, nothing there AT ALL, black as a coal-house on a dark evening in a cellar with no window...void. Oh, hang on, did you say void? So what are all those lights? Hmmmm.
Latent....definition coming:
1(Of a quality or state) existing but not yet developed or manifest; hidden or concealed:
1.1 Biology. Lying dormant or hidden until circumstances are suitable for development or manifestation:
‘axillary buds or eyes in the leaf axils are latent growth buds’
1.2(Of a disease) not yet manifesting the usual symptoms:
‘diabetes may be latent for some years before diagnosis’

No mention of midnight, even a toddler's, being "latent" BUT I can see what you mean...er...I think. I think you mean that... no, really, I have no idea because it is the ocean which is void, which is not void but which is latent and is like a toddler's midnight which is a specific time that occurs not latently but at midnight, even if you are a toddler or 65 like me...so no, I don't get it.
On Version 2
Much the same but a-round.

Some may say that obscurity is a bi-product of an active imagination being over-supplied with nutrients. So what comes out is ...er....not definable in polite circles. I am not one of them. I just get distracted trying to row whilst going backwards...I tend to see where I have been rather than where I'm going with this sort of stuff...and end up not really caring. I envy you your imagination and suggest to you that it is an asset but one that needs turning in to liquidity. In this piece you don't really let the reader share what you have, perhaps because it is terse-verse and you have not the time nor distance (nor inclination? No...I don't think so) to so do.
...and what IS that comma doing after "a-round"?
If you want a title suggestion how about " A socket-set for Chrismas"?...it fits in well, don'tcha think?
Best,
tectak

[SilverMire]

Thanks for your time tectak. As a kid, I really do appreciate your wealth of experience.

I've taken you up on some of your advice:
- agreed, one should avoid "void", and
- I've changed that simile, it didn't quite convey what I had in mind.

Re the splitting words; I think it's an effective talking point - I could have gone inappropriately overboard with it in this type of syllabic verse, but I chose to do so only once. As a poetic technique, I find it adds almost another meaning to the second half of the word, and also, heightens the passage of "r" alliteration in this case.

In the case of 'feet-first', I wanted to show that this person literally hit the ground running in terms of conforming with the island way of life, but also that he'd overcome a hardship right from the start - however, this sense of resilience and adventure has evidently now worn off. This piece overall is supposed to be light-hearted, but contain a pinch of regret (and cynicism from the author's point of view) in the man never having taken a chance.

I've been toying with the title "Captain Courageous" to hopefully clear things up, but that's perhaps a touch cliché.

Once again, thanks for taking an interest. As always, I'd love to hear what you have to say