In the Night

[Gestalt222]

*In The Night
I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.

[rowens]

*In The Night

What does the asterisk mean?


I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.

The first stanza has some wordy parts.



I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.


The second stanza, as a whole, seems a bit mawkish.

[Gestalt222]

*In The Night
I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud (warm cloud feels a bit off here)
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others, (I like the use of trespass here)
But enlivens me. (the prior line uses trespass to evoke the sense that most people find darkness unwelcome so although enliven isn't the worst choice, I feel that this line might be more effective if reworked to incorporate the sense of welcome as a contrast)
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me. (feel like swallow might be a better fit; also alludes back to the "speak" in prior line)
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts (feel a little cliche)
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities. (think a painting or artistic reference would fit better here)
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade, (would "or" be better than "and" here?)
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe. (this final line could be more impactful and I think it should be a bit more personalized since it doesn't fit the personal theme of the piece til this point)

I tend to believe that poetry about night and darkness are a bit overdone so it's key that any writer who wishes to approach the subject bring something different to the table. Some of the choices in the piece don't effectively break from the cliches that have been recycled time and again when dealing with this subject matter.

I feel that there was the seed of some very interesting choices, but didn't feel that those ideas were firmly rooted and expanded upon.

Thank you for the great feedback. I like the idea of using swallowing instead of enveloping, that gives the poem stronger imagery. I'm also looking into expanding the "canvas" concept as well. I might look into expanding the concepts regarding "portal to the universe" to see if I like it better, but I kind of wanted the poem to end with that final idea because it encompasses the entire concept of the poem for me.

[Gestalt222]

I like it the way it is, sounds a lot like ancient esoteric knowledge.

If only the Mayans could compose poems, it'd be a lot like this.

It was a cross between dreams and quantum leaping.

1 vote for no edit.

Thank you!><

[RiverNotch]

I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery This line feels unnecessary... The idea of the darkness here is intriguing, but it's never explored in the poem, it seems
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,Or perhaps this is the former line's exploration? In which case, I suggest making the exploration of the thought of darkness's mute obliviousness more thorough.
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.The ideas presented in this stanza, which seem to be the night's attitude to the speaker and the speaker's attitude from within the night, feel rather underdeveloped. I suggest adding more to it.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities. This line could be a bit more vivid, a bit more poetic. A "canvas with endless possibilities" feels cliched.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.The lines "Every night..." until "...to the universe." seem to develop a different, and rather detached, idea from the rest of the poem. At first the speaker seems to be talking about his personal relationship with the night, then suddenly he moves on to this general idea without any sort of soft transition or hint of foreshadowing. Considering the lack of development for the ideas presented in the earlier stanza, if the length of the poem is to be kept as-is, I suggest omitting this whole part and focusing on the earlier ideas.

This critique being, essentially, a more specific echo of BesideFungus's statement:
"I feel that there was the seed of some very interesting choices, but didn't feel that those ideas were firmly rooted and expanded upon."

[ralex003]

*In The Night
I like the darkness It's obvious from the poem that you like the darkness. I think you should get rid of this line because it weakens the poem. Just show it rather than say it.
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud Hmmm maybe use another instead of "cloud," since clouds are not usually associated with darkness.
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry, The meaning of this line is unclear to me.
And am renewed by the night.

I like the darkness Same advice for this line as I gave for the opening.
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.

[Gestalt222]

I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery This line feels unnecessary... The idea of the darkness here is intriguing, but it's never explored in the poem, it seems
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,Or perhaps this is the former line's exploration? In which case, I suggest making the exploration of the thought of darkness's mute obliviousness more thorough.
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.The ideas presented in this stanza, which seem to be the night's attitude to the speaker and the speaker's attitude from within the night, feel rather underdeveloped. I suggest adding more to it.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities. This line could be a bit more vivid, a bit more poetic. A "canvas with endless possibilities" feels cliched.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.The lines "Every night..." until "...to the universe." seem to develop a different, and rather detached, idea from the rest of the poem. At first the speaker seems to be talking about his personal relationship with the night, then suddenly he moves on to this general idea without any sort of soft transition or hint of foreshadowing. Considering the lack of development for the ideas presented in the earlier stanza, if the length of the poem is to be kept as-is, I suggest omitting this whole part and focusing on the earlier ideas.

This critique being, essentially, a more specific echo of BesideFungus's statement:
"I feel that there was the seed of some very interesting choices, but didn't feel that those ideas were firmly rooted and expanded upon."

You have some great ideas and I will see if I can expand on the first concept. I wrote this poem while falling (or trying to at least) asleep, so perhaps I can illustrate more of my thoughts while awake.

[zahrakh]

nicely expressed though few clitches. I couldn't understand the metaphor of warm clouds, I felt the warmth was used here because combination of dark and cold are sometimes used to express gloom, fear etc.
in
seemingly unaware of its mystery
I think seemingly is making it wordy, unaware of its mystery sounds good.

[Mwaba don]

The darkness and the fact that you like it is an interesting thing that you picked. It is strange but i think that's a good thing. It catches the attention of the reader. The word cloud did not seem to fit into the lines.. maybe 'shadow' . Your topic is quit interesting because in this poem to you darkness means light in that you make darkness as a means of personal renewal. I think the poem could have been made a bit longer to show how the night serves you as light for renewal.

[Lysander Gray]

*In The Night
I like the darkness end the line with a comma or perhaps a semicolon. Fuck it, full stop. Make it a statement.
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery < though others said this is cliche, if you look at this and the line before it it the word ''warm'' links to the mystery. How does one know the cloud is warm? Tis a mystery. Also drop the seemingly, it either is or is not.
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists< on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry, if the darkness is renewing and enlivening then why do you laugh, scream, kick and cry? this line is confusing. Perhaps if you are using a rebirth metaphor it would work, but then it should be more obvious. Reference to infants?
And am renewed by the night.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts < ?? cliche and unnecessary.
And the night is my canvas drop the ''and''
With endless possibilities. replace With with Of
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains, < good shit.
A portal to the universe. this line doesn't fit and comes across too direct and prose-y. Perhaps strike it altogether or think of another ending that leaves more to the imagination. More ambiguous.

This one shows a lot of potential, the theme is good, though cliche'd. It is a poet's aim to take the commonplace and make it shine into something that burns, to create stars from dust. I love the metere'd/rhyming section at the bottom, it is a beautiful counterpoint to the free verse style that came before it.

[billy]

great effort. sorry if my feedback is a lot to digest, mainly their nits for you to think about, in general the poem feels a little wordy, and the cap to start each line doesn't add to the poem. it's a hard subject to  write good poetry about but with a good couple of edits you'll get there. i would have liked to have seen a bit more depth to poem and the 1st person in relation to the night

*In The Night
I like the darkness would this make a better title?
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud how do warm clouds fall?
Seemingly unaware of its mystery no need for [seemingly]
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me. how/why?
The darkness refuses to speak, i'd be very scared if it did, a suggestion would be to rework this line into something less obvious.
But insists on enveloping me. no need for [but]
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry, just use the one [I]
And am renewed by the night. no need for [and]

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts period or comma here

And the night is my canvas no need for [and] and [is]
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade, [or] instead of [and]
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane same as the line above or for and
But the night remains, here is where i'd advise the poem end as the last line is a sort of given and feels a little trite
A portal to the universe.

[Quotidia]

It feels a bit confused in giving a solid message (as others have pointed out, with word choices), but the overall sentiment of appreciation for night comes across clearly. I like it. Has some nice potential.

[noname]

I really enjoyed this poem, except for the last line. This line seems out of the blue and the poem would be much better if you just cut this last line I think. I also think that it seems like you've worked the second stanza a lot more and in comparison the first stanza seems wordy.

[azure]

*In The Night
I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.

Of course I am biased and tend to enjoy poems about the Night...

First Stanza:

I like the darkness
It falls over me
Like a warm cloud
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me.
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night.

The first line is too dull, I suggest trying to liven it up as simply, yet strikingly as possible. Think of ways to express your fondness of the night in a few engaging words.
Maybe replace the word 'trespasses' in L5. Just seems bland and redundant.
Again, in L8, replace the word enveloping.

Second Stanza:

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle,
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.


The repetition of the intro line is sterile, and while the intention is good, it failed to execute.
Oh, and L6 is dull and states the obvious. Possibly come up with an entirely different line?
In the final line, I suggest replacing the word portal.

Overall, you could really go somewhere with this poem, just keep on refining my friend! Try to avoid cliche.

[paranoid marvin]

*In The Night
I like the darkness
It falls over me - (Falls over me sounds like it trips, how about 'It surrounds me' or 'It covers me')
Like a warm cloud - are clouds warm? As it's night, why not 'warm blanket?'
Seemingly unaware of its mystery
It trespasses upon others,
But enlivens me. - would 'invigorates' sound better in this context?
The darkness refuses to speak,
But insists on enveloping me.
I kick, I scream, I laugh, I cry,
And am renewed by the night. - to emphasize the 'I' repetition of the last line, how about 'I am renewed by the night'?

I like the darkness
For I am alone in my thoughts
And the night is my canvas
With endless possibilities.
Every night the stars may sparkle, No need for 'every night' in this line
And the stars may fade,
The moon may shine
And the moon may wane
But the night remains,
A portal to the universe.

I really like this poem, it is very well written.