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I'm completely new to poetry. I'd like to learn and improve as much as possible so any criticism is very welcome. Also, if possible, I welcome recommendations for poetry to read that resembles this and where I can get acquainted with cliches and get tired of them in order not to use them. I've written this during the night that I could not sleep.
-------------------------------------
Blue note #1
Like a box of matches,
all stricken, burnt to fingers
This is how it feels
after folly lingers.
No soft words are spoken
in the middle of the night
when left with own's demons
without a trace of light.
A dawn should arise
as many did
but reasons this time
seem so dim.
The frost bites the heart,
even own blood waives
and in every part
only scream remains.
purplejupiter
Unregistered
I love that you open with an image of heat and fire, and leave with an image of brutal cold. I think it evokes the feeling of unbearable aloneness and the loss of "heat" when you are left to your own thoughts. I encourage you to play around with structure a bit more...challenge yourself to write this poem in a couple of ways: free-verse, sonnet form, etc. You will be surprised that sometimes setting strict boundaries for yourself will allow you to look at your own writing in a different way.
I would recommend "Sex without Love" by Sharon Olds. She really doesn't have many cliches, and her style is different from yours, but something tells me you will find something in that poem.
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You're saying something. The poetry sounds false, which is bad for at least two reasons. One is that you seem earnest, the other is that poetry is kind of false already, it's not just spoken word. There's some artifice in it, the trick is to make it real.
There's nothing wrong with sounding odd. If you said something like
Like matches, stricken
of fingers,
this is how it feels.
It might still sound silly, but if you can make something out of that, or go from that to something else, you might have something. Something? I don't know what.
As it is now, you're saying something and adding poem-like things to make it sound like a poem instead of writing a poem and making it feel real.
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(11-11-2014, 03:56 AM)rowens Wrote: You're saying something. The poetry sounds false, which is bad for at least two reasons. One is that you seem earnest, the other is that poetry is kind of false already, it's not just spoken word. There's some artifice in it, the trick is to make it real.
There's nothing wrong with sounding odd. If you said something like
Like matches, stricken
of fingers,
this is how it feels.
It might still sound silly, but if you can make something out of that, or go from that to something else, you might have something. Something? I don't know what.
As it is now, you're saying something and adding poem-like things to make it sound like a poem instead of writing a poem and making it feel real. Wow, this is exactly what I was doing, saying something and poem being, I guess, the secondary objective. In writing this, I started from the imagery, I see things in pictures so I love to put them into sequence, got it connected and then I've put it into this form. So, I am supposed to start from poem and add meaning to it, how does that work? Now that we've identified this, what can I do to avoid that next time when writing? A pointer to some literature, instead of asking you for a very big explanation, would be ideal!
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It doesn't matter what you start with. The poem can be about something real, real feelings, something that really happened. It helps to make the poem itself as important as the feelings or event though. Without making the poem itself matter, you could just as well say how you feel like you would on the phone or sitting next to someone on a bus.
But what is a poem? I don't know which literature you should look at. There's a lot of it.
I can not give you recommendations about poetry to read since i am so new to it, i can only give you my thoughts of your poem. I like the feeling of hopelessness, when you connect the feelings of demons in the nighttime with less hope of a dawn then the last dark period. That is at least my interpretation.
To me the first and last verses don't connect as good to the feeling of the poem as a whole as the two in the middle. Maybe one line in the last verse can refer to the first verse or so.
Otherwise great poem!
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The first stanza as you have it is the strongest. Word it a bit differently and it can work. The rest doesn't have much going for it so far.
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Like a box of matches,
all stricken, burnt to fingers
This is how it feels
after folly lingers.
A little rewording and it won't need to sound odd. A sensible idea is there.
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I must admit that there is some genuinely some very interesting use of wording here. I like that. However something about it feels rather disingenuous and dissociated from the speaker. In that I mean that it is difficult to tell what you are or who you are talking about. Each paragraph is pretty interesting in its' own right, but to me they don't feel like they connect very well together and there's a certain mendacious truth to it all, where the feelings may be genuine but the words aren't. It creates a very awkward reading experience at least for me. Sorry I'm new here and this is only my second post and I fear I may not be putting forth the most professional critiques. Does this make sense?
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watch out for word use and syntax
(11-10-2014, 08:53 AM)twinked Wrote: I'm completely new to poetry. I'd like to learn and improve as much as possible so any criticism is very welcome. Also, if possible, I welcome recommendations for poetry to read that resembles this and where I can get acquainted with cliches and get tired of them in order not to use them. I've written this during the night that I could not sleep.
-------------------------------------
Blue note #1
Like a box of matches,
all stricken, burnt to fingers [struck] stricken means something other than a match that's been lit.
This is how it feels
after folly lingers.
No soft words are spoken
in the middle of the night
when left with own's demons one's own
without a trace of light.
A dawn should arise
as many did
but reasons this time
seem so dim.
The frost bites the heart,
even own blood waives
and in every part
only scream remains.
(11-10-2014, 08:53 AM)twinked Wrote: I'm completely new to poetry. I'd like to learn and improve as much as possible so any criticism is very welcome. Also, if possible, I welcome recommendations for poetry to read that resembles this and where I can get acquainted with cliches and get tired of them in order not to use them. I've written this during the night that I could not sleep.
-------------------------------------
Blue note #1
Like a box of matches,
all stricken, burnt to fingers
This is how it feels
after folly lingers.
No soft words are spoken
in the middle of the night
when left with own's demons
without a trace of light.
A dawn should arise
as many did
but reasons this time
seem so dim.
The frost bites the heart,
even own blood waives
and in every part
only scream remains.
Dear Poet: You asked for it and with all great respect -- you already have it. Very predictable is the 'spiral'. It goes either up or down. You did do here an 'up' toward a 'down'. What you already have, by way of my attention, is your line, "Like a box of matches,/all stricken, burnt to fingers..." How delicious. I can tell you that you wrote that line first. then you followed up with the rest of the 'spiral' downward - 'downward' does not mean bad. If you ended with that opening line, you would start to find your voice. :-)
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(11-14-2014, 08:19 AM)Istuk5 Wrote: I like way you wrote it, I think that you're very talented and you should continue with this... Can't wait for new poems... Just try to add more rhyme to your poems and they'll be perfect!!!
Hi Istuk5 This type of feedback doesn't give anything to the poet, a basic form feedback would be to say one thing you liked and why and one thing you disliked and why. Please make your comments about the poetry. Mod
If your undies fer you've been smoking through em, don't peg em out
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(11-10-2014, 08:53 AM)twinked Wrote: I'm completely new to poetry. I'd like to learn and improve as much as possible so any criticism is very welcome. Also, if possible, I welcome recommendations for poetry to read that resembles this and where I can get acquainted with cliches and get tired of them in order not to use them. I've written this during the night that I could not sleep.
-------------------------------------
Blue note #1
Like a box of matches,
all stricken, burnt to fingers
This is how it feels
after folly lingers.
No soft words are spoken
in the middle of the night
when left with own's demons
without a trace of light.
A dawn should arise
as many did
but reasons this time
seem so dim.
The frost bites the heart,
even own blood waives
and in every part
only scream remains.
This poem shows a novice poet maturing in his work. But in order to hone your craft, you must keep taking it further. The meaning of this poem was expressed in a cliched manner.
First Stanza:
Like a box of matches,
all stricken, burnt to fingers
This is how it feels
after folly lingers.
I like the idea of 'folly' lingering upon you, keeping you up at night. It is cliched though. Starting off this piece with a simile that lacked originality, did not draw me in, nor will it most readers. I suggest adhering to that old saying: show, don't tell, and rewriting this stanza
completely.
Second Stanza:
No soft words are spoken
in the middle of the night
when left with own's demons
without a trace of light.
This stanza was a big cliche, that lacked originality. It was stagnant and boring. I suggest a rewriting it using your own command of unique language without obscuring what you are trying to express. I'm working on doing the same with my poetry.
Third Stanza:
A dawn should arise
as many did
but reasons this time
seem so dim.
Once again, boring and lacked refined expression...
Fourth Stanza:
The frost bites the heart,
even own blood waives
and in every part
only scream remains.
Okay I have issues with this one. It has grammatical errors that need to be fixed. It had more "spice", yet was confusing.
One thing I will never cease to suggest is to read poetry. Read and write. Read and write. Read and... Get the picture?
Keep at it!
Azure
cliche my forte
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