The Autumn Wind -edited

[Mopkins]

1st edit

The Autumn Wind

Sensual and curious, this autumn air
that winds and whirls in mating dance
‘round the crimsoned tree who blushes
at the change of season
and her desire to loosen clothes.

Swift and amorous, the boyish bluster
tears through the maple’s dress,
throws the pieces to the ground.
Touches the naked twigs,
embraces branches bending
with the onslaught of his love.




original

The Autumn Wind

Scorpio curious, this autumn air
that winds and whirls in mating dance
around the crimsoned tree blushing
at the change of season
and her desire to loosen clothes.

Swift and amorous the boyish bluster
gothically tears through the maple’s dress,
throws the pieces to the ground.
Touches the naked twigs
embraces branches bending
with the onslaught of his love.

[Erthona]

Mar,

I like the idea but the rhythm falls a little flat, plus "Scorpio curious" seems an odd way to start the poem, maybe it is an idiom with which I am unfamiliar.

Dale

[Mopkins]

Mar,

I like the idea but the rhythm falls a little flat, plus "Scorpio curious" seems an odd way to start the poem, maybe it is an idiom with which I am unfamiliar.

Dale

Hi Dale , that was quick

Scorpios are supposed to have big sexual appetites - to those into astrology it's fairly well known I think... hence scorpio curious. reading it over it's not very lyrical, but I wasn't rhyming or writing in meter so a distinct rhythm didn't seem important.

Thanks for looking and commenting.



Marianne

[TheDoctorCam]

I really enjoyed this poem, short, but good. With the first read, I understood it fairly well but I understood it much more once the "Scorpio curious" line was explained by you. I'm just not very big into astrology so maybe it is just me. However, I feel that if you just add one or two more words to explain the temperament of Scorpio's, it will come across better for both readers who either do or do not know astrology. Something as simple as "Scorpio's curious desire" would make me understand it more.

I don't know if it is intended or not, but punctuate/capitalize consistently throughout. I was confused here, is it supposed to be

throws the pieces to the ground;
touches the naked twigs ,
embraces branches bending,
with the onslaught of his love.

Lastly, the second from last line, "embraces branches bending", reads a bit harsh. Just something I noticed.

[Erthona]

"Scorpios are supposed to have big sexual appetites - to those into astrology it's fairly well known I think"

My birthday is 11/05/1957...I am a Scorpio. In fact I'm a double Scorpio.

dale

I'll write you a poem about it.

---

"Scorpios are supposed to have big sexual appetites - to those into astrology it's fairly well known I think"

My birthday is 11/05/1957 in fact I am a double Scorpio. Another symbol of Scorpio is a dragon. The symbol for a transformed Scorpio is a dove. Scorpio's are one of the few Astrological signs that have the ability to transform from their lower nature to their higher one.

I wrote a poem for you. The colors represent the opening of the chakras through the process of kundalini yoga.

Dale

for Marianne

[kindofahippy]

The Autumn Wind

Scorpio curious, this autumn air
that winds and whirls in mating dance
around the crimsoned tree blushing The grammar here makes it sound like the wind is blushing, you do mean the tree, right?
at the change of season
and her desire to loosen clothes. I see a gender shift through the first and second stanzas, which is a little confusing when attributed to a solitary entity.

Swift and amorous the boyish bluster
gothically tears through the maple’s dress,
throws the pieces to the ground.
Touches the naked twigs
embraces branches bending
with the onslaught of his love. I love the concept here. In summer the trees are clothed with leaves, come fall they are stripped nude.

This is the first time I have read a poem that gives the Autumn wind an erotic connotation. I would honestly expect the spring wind to be given erotic appeal, since spring is the time of new birth, flowering, and general mischief. However, fall is the time when farm animals are usually penned together, so the babies will be born in spring.

The inversion in this poem actually contributes to it. If you wrote, "This autumn air, Scorpio curious," then reading the poem would be more syllable by syllable than lyrical. As it stands, using inversion to build up intensity and action as the stanzas go on give it a rushing, windy, lyrical feel.

Some of the word choices seem arbritrary. In line three, "tree" would be better served by "leaves". This creates the image of luscious red leaves shimmering saucily in the wind. I had to read "crimsoned tree" a few times to get the image in my mind. In the second stanza, what is "gothically" supposed to mean? Are you accusing Goths of being rabid dress-tearers? In the final line, "onslaught" is surprisingly rough. It takes the imagery from serene passion to violent roughness.

[Mopkins]

hello DoctorCam, thanks for commenting, it's appreciated. Scorpio curious is a bit vague - I'll think on that. The full stop after ground was intentional, but I forgot the Capital T for touches - thanks for pointing that out.



Hi Dale,

I've read your poem. Methinks you are still somewhat of of a dragon but a very nice one - Like Puff the Magic Dragon perhaps....



Hi Hippy, thanks for your time and thought

you're right, it does make it sound like it's the wind that's blushing.... I'll have to fiddle with it...

perhaps 'around the crimsoned tree who's blushing'

I like your suggestion of saucily shimmering leaves, but it's the tree he's 'mating' with, not the leaves.

onslaught i used mainly for assonance with love, it does sound a bit rough I agree, but the autumn wind is a little rough in it's removal of leaves from the tree.

Gothically was meant to reference those gothic love stories where the hero often tears away the heroines dress in his lust... whether or not modern day goths are as excitable I don't know.... Still, it's vague, thanks for pointing that out.

Marianne