Dragon flight (for Marianne )

[Erthona]

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Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast,
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last.

Like the clouds up in the sky,
part will live, part will die,
the lowest lows, the highest highs,
as the dragon shows its might.

Burning red a pulsing disc,
follows orange, and then the green,
rising force a willow wisp,
up the spine, remains unseen.

Now the blue and the violet,
opens up the unseen view,
overwhelmed by sinking silence,
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.

When at last the storm is over,
and the light comes from above,
note with awe the transformation,
dragon’s now become a dove.

©2014 –Erthona

nota bene: accentual verse in tetrameter

.

[Gestalt222]

Great imagery and overall flow. I would just change a few lines.
Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast,
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last.

Like the clouds up in the sky,
(parts) will live, (parts) will die,
the lowest lows, the highest highs,
as the dragon shows its might.

Burning red(,) a pulsing disc,
follows orange, and then (omit/the) green,
rising force(,) a willow wisp,
up the spine, remains unseen.

Now the blue and the violet,
opens up the unseen view,
overwhelmed by sinking silence,
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.

When at last the storm is over,
and the light comes from above,
note with awe the transformation,
(the, unless you meant dragons in plural, then remove ') dragon’s now become a dove.

[Erthona]

Gestalt222 Thanks for the feedback.

"dragon's" was not meant to be plural or possessive, it was meant as a contraction (dragon has). I think I originally had

The dragon’s now become a dove. Which probably would have made that clearer, still I may add the has in, as it doesn't affect the line in anyway.

"(parts) will live, (parts) will die," Yeah that's a typo, thanks for catching that, it should be "part" singular. This has to do with personality transformation from the use of kundalini yoga, so the cloud/clouds are metaphors for the personality, which tends to be nebulas, like clouds. The colors represent the chakras so "the" has to precede "green" as "green" represents the "heart chakra" and if you said "heart chakra" it would need a definite article to precede it. Some of your suggestion on commas I may to look up, I'm bad with commas. I threw this together fairly quickly and when I do that I tend to over-comma

So thanks for all your suggestions, you gave very good feedback and we need more of that around here.

Dale

PS I think I will change that last line to "The dragon has become a dove."
______________________________________________________________________________________________________

BF,

The second stanza refers to the personality transformation that is described later. This is a transformation related to kundalini yoga. The clouds refer to the personality, as the dragon flies through he burns off the unnecessary aspects, personality flaws, or whatever holds us back from becoming whatever it is we are to become.

Thanks for your feedback it is appreciated. Even if I do not necessarily incorporate an idea, it still forces me to justify to my self my rational for what I have done, so feedback is always invaluable.

Thank you,


Dale

[Mopkins]

Hi Dale

An interesting take on the subject,in my limited reading on the subject, usually Kundalini energy is depicted as a snake, so I found the dragon refreshing.

I liked 'the lowest lows the highest highs' and 'bewildered mumblings, oft confused' which nicely describe the effect of the rising energy on the mood and mind. Also I liked the transformation of dragon to dove in the last line, this sums up nicely the sense of enlightenment that follows an awakening.

Other posters have criticized your commas, I googled willow wisp to no avail, nicely alliterative, but should it be willowy wisp as in slender spirit, or will-o-wisp as in ball of light? It was the only bit that didn't seem to go for me.

Overall, I liked it, good job


Marianne

[Erthona]

Yeah, I should probably change that. It's colloquial, it actually means both things a spirit in the for of a ball of gas, most likely marsh gas. I am sure that it originally came from Europe as Will-o-wisp, or even "will-o-the wisp" and has devolved into Willow Wisp in the part of the country I grew up in, which seems natural to me, but yes, I guess I'll change it.

Ha! Found it at Willow Wisp


In Australia it's called "Min Min light" have ye heard o' it lassie?


Dale

[Mopkins]

I've heard of the will-o-wisp, or swamp gas. Haven't heard of the Australian version, it must be from a different part of Australia, I don't know that much about aboriginal mythology and what I did know I've largely forgotten...

[tectak]

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Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast,Conventional wisdom would probably, only probably, suggest a semicolon here. You are deconstructing a metaphor but holding on to the bricks.
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last.For me, this is awkward. The "your" does not relate to anything except "beating wings". I know that is not what you mean but as I said...it is awkward.

Like the clouds up in the sky,
part will live, part will die,
the lowest lows, the highest highs,
as the dragon shows its might.This is a superfluous stanza in that it is so isolated as a simile that the metaphor cannot find a way back in. Live, die, high, low er...enter the dragon?

Burning red a pulsing disc,Aw the hell...
Burning red, a pulsing disc
follows orange and then the green;
rising force, a willow wisp
up the spine, remains unseen.

I may have changed the meaning with this punctuation but as I don't know what you mean anyway I can't be sure. Red is stop, green is go...but orange is advisory.


follows orange, and then the green,
rising force a willow wisp,
up the spine, remains unseen.

Now the blue and the violet,
opens up the unseen view,Contradiction in terms and unseen unseen...is that "seen" by double negative? Opens up the once hid view? Your poem.
overwhelmed by sinking silence,
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.

When at last the storm is over,
and the light comes from above,
note with awe the transformation,
dragon’s now become a dove.Just "Dragon now becomes a dove" works for me.

©2014 –Erthona

nota bene: accentual verse in tetrameter

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Interesting diversion for you, Dale. Tinkering in the tetrameter can get a little nursery-rhyme-ish but what's wrong with that, I wanna know, so here I go...again. I am considering asking for a ban on dragons, monsters, voids and visions as well as awesome and wow. What say you?
This is me liking it but not a lot.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

Thanks Tom,

Yes, it is vague, but also specific. How's that.

Violet is the color of the sixth chakra, the sixth chakra is the third eye. When it opens, one sees what has previously not been seen. I'm not just talking out of my hat, I've done that, it is accompanied by such an ecstatic feeling it hardly matters what you see. This whole poem is a description of the awakening of the kundalini as it rises up the spine. This is a fairly personal piece for me as I used the alternate symbol for Scorpio (which is my astrological sign) of a dragon to represent the
kundalini energy. This energy is usually seen as a snake. When a Scorpio becomes transformed (which is one of the few zodiac signs to be able to do so) the transformational sign is a dove, thus the last stanza. The problem is there is no one enlightenment, one continues to go through the process, becoming hopefully a better person along the way, but as my Southern Baptist relatives would say, you can always backside. So there is no ultimately getting there, but there can be dramatic personality changes. Of course I know you don't believe in all this crap (so this is more of just an explanatory note, I figure I owe you that), and in most cases it is true that it is only play acting. Sometimes however, when it is a matter of life or death, you are able to put your entire will towards something; become willing to give up any belief (even cherished ones) that get in your way, and do what ever it takes to achieve that goal. The end result which is a personality change. Anyway, it doesn't matter, I'm not trying to convert anyone to anything, cause I don't have anything to convert them to. This was all just a response to a poem by Marianne. Hopefully that makes it clearer...or not.

Dale

[Word Weaver]

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Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast,
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last.

Like the clouds up in the sky,
part will live, part will die,
the lowest lows, the highest highs,
as the dragon shows its might.

Burning red a pulsing disc,
follows orange, and then the green,
rising force a willow wisp,
up the spine, remains unseen.

Now the blue and the violet,
opens up the unseen view,
overwhelmed by sinking silence,
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.

When at last the storm is over,
and the light comes from above,
note with awe the transformation,
dragon’s now become a dove.

©2014 –Erthona

nota bene: accentual verse in tetrameter

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Hi, Your poem caught my fancy and Im sharing how it channeled out its message to me..
First I thought the imagery was delightful...

I associated it with a journey of Enlightenment compared to a bolt of lightning [the dragon in flight] on a stormy night.[Fiery breath lights blackest night] striking a physical realm in chaos and unbalanced [as the dragon shows its might.]

[Like the clouds up in the sky,part will live, part will die] clearing away the negative influences/thoughts ..etc of the mind and body

[Burning red a pulsing disc, follows orange, and then the green]-,the lights and colors of when lightning cracks across the sky, opening up the darkness- becoming for an instant bright as day...[ opens up the unseen view] the awakening of the subconscious...

and the distant thundering is the[bewildered mumblings] the concious mind resisting then eventually yielding to the peace and clarity that ensues after a tempest..sort of an overall healing of the whole, in[ note with awe the transformation, dragon's now become a dove]a calming ending

note: However when you mentioned the kundalini yoga..i am not familiar with such, this is just how I absorbed and enjoyed your poem. Thank you!

[Erthona]

Word Weaver,

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on this poem. The time one has to take to do so is always appreciated by me.

Thanks gain,


Dale

[RiverNotch]

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Fiery breath lights blackest night,
a ruby comet falling fast, Probably best to use a semicolon instead of a comma here. And metrically, it feels somewhat off.
beating wings of dragon’s flight,
know this sight to be your last. I think an exclamation point would make this more forceful, making the metamorphosis more harsh and exciting from the onset.

Like the clouds up in the sky,
part will live, part will die, Even though the speaker doesn't mean to make a definite division between who will live and who will die, using more definite terms (like half) instead of the word part will make it sound more forceful, which again will highlight the dragon's change. And add an "and" between the two halves of the line, to fix the meter.
the lowest lows, the highest highs, This muddles up the message of the line before it. Best to change the idea in this line to something more supportive.
as the dragon shows its might.

Burning red a pulsing disc,
follows orange, and then the green, I suggest removing the "and" and replacing "the green" with "a green". Oh, and I think a semicolon would be a nice ending here.
rising force a willow wisp,"rising force, a willow wisp" just sounds better, and to me, somewhat adds a bit of sense to a line I don't exactly understand.
up the spine, remains unseen.

Now the blue and the violet, Remove the "the" in "the violet" to make it speak smoother. Also, the comma shouldn't be there.
opens up the unseen view,
overwhelmed by sinking silence, I think the meter isn't clean here.
bewildered mumblings, oft confused.Again, the meter's somewhat off. And the oft confused part just seems redundant: if it's the "bewildered mumblings" that're "oft confused", then... well, bewildered mumblings are generally confused (confused being a synonym to bewildered), so it's, well, redundant.

When at last the storm is over, Meter's still off. Or maybe I've just been following a different sense of rhythm throughout most of my reading... No, I don't think so. "When, at last, the storm is done" fits the whole poem better. Oh yes, and the "at last" should be separated from the rest of the line with commas. But the ending should be left open; that is, comma/semi-colon/period-less.
and the light comes from above, "the light" doesn't feel right... I think a short descriptor to this light should be what modifies it, something that adds to the light's sense of relief to the turmoil.
note with awe the transformation,Meter feels off again. And I think a colon should end this line.
dragon’s now become a dove.The wording doesn't feel right again, but now I don't really know what's off about it: possibly a dearth of poeticality (damn, that is an awful word)? Also, an exclamation point I think should again end this, just to make the whole change feel more awe-inspiring.

©2014 –Erthona

nota bene: accentual verse in tetrameter I'm betting my suggestions on meter were born of me not noting this... Ah, well, for those suggestions I wrote what I felt. Best to take heed of them, but with heaping spoonfuls of salt.

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The whole theme of the poem, the change of the dragon into a dove and the violence this metamorphosis exudes, it's absolutely brilliant! And I'm betting if one got all of the references to the colors and such the poem would be seem even more brilliant. Most of the problems I highlighted up there have already been highlighted, but they're mostly little problems, problems on execution: in other words, your poem is, as the transformation it detailed, awful.

[Erthona]

RiverNotch,

AH, and awful poem...well I'll take that Will take your comments into my thoughts on the next edit. Thank you for taking the time to read and comment to such an extent, it is always appreciated and I am mindful of the time it takes.

Thanks again,

Dale

[Brownlie]

I think willow wisp is supposed to be will-o'-the-wisp. Just a cursory note.

[Erthona]

Brownlie wrote: "I think willow wisp is supposed to be will-o'-the-wisp. Just a cursory note."


Yes, so did Marianne, but see

Willow Wisp

There are actually a number of variations on this theme, although the one you cited is probably the one most used. This was the colloquial usage from where I grew up, i.e., Southern Oklahoma and North Central Texas.

Thanks for the read and comment,

Dale