Voice in the Light

[Namyh]

Voice in the Light

Down the heavens, thru the clouds,
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of a silvern light.

At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind come the slow.
They both reach the eyes at slight different times
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow.

In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space.

Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle
not touching but embracing us all

and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.

For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light
hurtling the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.

Namyh

[Mopkins]

Voice in the Light

Down the heavens, thru the clouds,(‘down the heavens’ makes no sense – maybe “down (from) the heavens’)
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky (darkness pins doesn’t make sense – the stars are pinned onto, not by, the darkness)
with stars of a silvern light. (silvern archaic)

At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind come the slow. (light travels at as consistent speed – this doesn’t make sense)
They both reach the eyes at slight different times (slightly)
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow. (makes no sense)

In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith (these lines have potential)
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost ( a corner cannot show, perhaps ‘in a dim corner lies my old courage, lost,’)
now lit by this messenger of Space. (from not of)

Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle (who is this we/both that suddenly appears here – a circle has no ends)
not touching but embracing us all

and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh (distance is not measured in breaths)
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness (a breath which is a sigh is also winged and has a voice? Bit of a stretch to imagine)
locked in the twinkling of an eye.

For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night (dimness)
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light(a star cannot straddle light)
hurtling (through) the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye, (you don’t listen for light – ‘look for light’ would make more sense)
it will speak to the dark in thee.(thee archaic)

It is best not to center-align a poem unless it actually makes some kind of shape on the page, it makes it harder to read. Don't use archaisms if you can help it, 'silver' would have done just as nicely and 'thee' looks like it was just thrown in for the rhyme. This poem rambles, starts with night, then dawn, then suddenly it's night again... and it doesn't say anything - it just rambles about the stars and mentions God - not much to make an impression on the reader. Still some of your lines had potential,

Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to (us), Man the infinitely small, (although infinitely small is a bit hard to imagine)

and

In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith

Sorry to come across so nit-picky but that's what we're all here for. Best of luck with future work


Marianne

[Erthona]

Down the heavens, thru the clouds,
across the winds that churn the night, (night cannot be churned)
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of a silvern light.
At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come, (mixed metaphor)
first the fast then behind come the slow. (comes)
They both reach the eyes at slight different times (Yes thanks for pointing out that humans have binocular vision)
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow. (Well actually no it's not. Stellar scintillation occurs because we are seeing them through the moving air of the atmosphere)
In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space. (Seems like kind of a lot to put on a star)
Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle (unsupported hyperbole)
not touching but embracing us all
and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.
For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night (senseless lines)
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light (what?)
hurtling the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.
__________________________________________________________
Between what Marianne and I have noted, this piece doesn't make much sense, partly because you are trying to apply physics terms with which you are not conversant. Some of the lines just seem like gibberish. This suffers from a complete lack of clarity. Such things as:

"winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness"

Have you established that there is such a voice, that you are alluding to a well known myth that speaks of such? There has to be a foundation for such things. Plus when I see Voice, velvet, and darkness, the first thought that comes to my mind id a painting of Elvis on black velvet.

And why:"if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee." would the light speak to the darkness in a person? Also, you think maybe that "in the twinkling of an eye," hasn't been used a few thousand times before.

Sorry, but I think you need to table this and try to write on a subject on which you have a firmer grasp.


Best,


Dale

[Nbafan]

Voice in the Light

Down the heavens, thru the clouds,
across the winds that churn the night,
the velvet darkness pins the sky
with stars of a silvern light.

At a gallop in the dark, the light rays come,
first the fast then behind come the slow.
They both reach the eyes at slight different times
and a Twinkle is their impacts aglow.

In that blink, some men see their last Hope.
In that flash, some men hear their Faith
and a dim corner shows my old Courage lost
now lit by this messenger of Space.

Yet it seems that the Infinite is speaking
to me, Man the infinitely small,
that we are both the ends of a cosmic circle
not touching but embracing us all

and the unmeasured distance between us
is the breath of a heartbeat’s sigh
winged with a Voice from the velvet darkness
locked in the twinkling of an eye.

For in the silent and echoless vast uncertain
dim of some darkened night
when one star blinks and jumps great distance
straddled to a cosmic light
hurtling the blackness of a million midnights
whose span is a chasmed sea,
if you listen for the light, in the twinkling of an eye,
it will speak to the dark in thee.

Namyh

Interesting poem, I like it, but you've got some redundancies. If it's night, it SHOULD be dark, so you really don't need to mention it. Also, first the fast then the slow reaching the eyes at different times- it's sort of obvious isn't it?

And then at the end, you mention the darkness again- repetitive.

[TheDoctorCam]

In the future, left-align your poems unless you are using a different alignment or no alignment for a fundamental reason. Center aligned poems make great 5th grade projects, but left align allows a clearer view of the lines, line breaks, and whitespace.

I'm not the most experienced critique, the aforementioned advice and analysis from the commenters above should suffice in revision. Just wanted to share that tip of alignment.

Thanks for the poem to read and take care!