First limerick attempt

[kindofahippy]

Aye but once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass with little candor.
By night he'd stagger home to the woods
Invite gals to his cabin for steak, beer, and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

Edit one

Once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass of no candor.
They'd stagger home to the woods
At night for beer, steak and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

[Mopkins]

You would think from it’s brevity that writing a limerick would be easy but it never is... this is quite good for a first attempt, it’s bawdy and funny but it can be improved. You don’t have a consistent meter – the rhythm is jarring when you read it aloud. I’d drop the aye but from the first line and try to match up your syllable count, shortening lines 3 & 4.

Most limericks have lines three and four of equal length and shorter than the other lines, this and the rhyme scheme and a consistent meter are what make a limerick. Not bad for a first attempt – made me smile anyhow. Keep at it!

[ChristopherSea]

The best ones that I have read follow this pattern: five lines, with the first, second and fifth rhyming with one another and having three feet of three syllables each; and the shorter third and fourth lines also rhyming with each other, but having only two feet of three syllables.

[tectak]

Aye but once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass with little candor.
By night he'd stagger home to the woods
Invite gals to his cabin for steak, beer, and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

Hi,
I am still looking for the obscene content and am unequal to the task. What IS obscene is the quite appalling rhymes, unfathomable english and cringe-inducing metre.That's the good news.
OK...what to do about it. There is a wealth of information on the limerick form on this site. I encourage you to read more in order to grasp the first principles. Do not be discouraged by this crit, consider it to be a short-cut to better times.
Begin at the beginning. What does "Aye" mean? Two possibilties. Common and vernacular old english give the affirmative. It means "Yes". In Scottish and in some celtic sourced documentation you will find it means "Always". So:
Yes but once a drunkard?
Always but once a drunkard?

Huh?
You are crucifying yourself on two crosses with forced rhyme and clumsy meter. The one eliminates the point of the other. Meter first.
There once was a young man from Kent. (da dee da da dee da da de) A
whose tool was exceedingly bent(da dee da da dee da da dee) A
To save himself trouble( da dee da da dee da)B
he stuffed it in double (da dee da da dee da)B
instead of just coming he went.( da dee da da dee da da dee)A

Yours:
Aye but once a drunkard possessin' great odor(da dee da da dee da)A
Would find some raunchy lass with little candor.( dee da dee da dee da dee da de dada?) a
By night he'd stagger home to the woods(dee da dee da dee da dee dah dee?)B
Invite gals to his cabin for steak, beer, and “goods”(dee da dee da da dee da da dee, da, da dee???)b
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.(dee da dee, dee, da dee dee dah dee da da???) odor/cur? Forced or what?
Calm down, read your thing out loud. Do not worry about trochees, spondees, anapests until they hit you on the nose.Just FEEL the flow and let it go. Oh, and there IS NO single "correct"meter for limericks but the rhyme scheme is essential. Please do not take this to mean that you must force your rhymes.
Best,
tectak

[Erthona]

There's nothing like a limerick, and this is nothing like one

Dale

[kindofahippy]

There's nothing like a limerick, and this is nothing like one

Dale

I shortened it up a bit, do you think it reads closer to one now?

[tectak]

Aye but once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass with little candor.
By night he'd stagger home to the woods
Invite gals to his cabin for steak, beer, and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

Edit one

Once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass of no candor.
They'd stagger home to the woods
At night for beer, steak and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur. AAAARrRggHh!

Look, I don't do this for just anybody but you are like a thing possessed!

A drunkard with dog-body odor
found a bitch with no morals or candor.( your poem!)
In his shack in the woods
he boned her real good
and woke with a cur...but still owed her.

Sheesh, I'm too good to you!
Best,
tectak
( Everydog has its day...and dogs with short tails have weak ends)

[Erthona]

I think Tom's does. Of course it's a bit different from yours.

BTW in case you didn't get from Tom's AAAARrRggHh!, "cur" is supposed to rhyme with "odor" and "candor" Of course I'm not completely sure that odor rhymes with candor, but that's a tail for another time...

Dale

[kindofahippy]

Well... tectack has a blunt way of writing. Thanks for the advice, though, I'm going to try another limerick in the poetry practice thread

[milo]

I think Tom's does. Of course it's a bit different from yours.

BTW in case you didn't get from Tom's AAAARrRggHh!, "cur" is supposed to rhyme with "odor" and "candor" Of course I'm not completely sure that odor rhymes with candor, but that's a tail for another time...

Dale

"odor" doesn't rhyme with candor or owed her. It would (mostly) with "showed her". I have noticed a trend post "post-modernism" to abandon feminine rhyming conventions but /not/ the limericks ferfuck's sake. not the limericks!!

[tectak]

I think Tom's does. Of course it's a bit different from yours.

BTW in case you didn't get from Tom's AAAARrRggHh!, "cur" is supposed to rhyme with "odor" and "candor" Of course I'm not completely sure that odor rhymes with candor, but that's a tail for another time...

Dale

"odor" doesn't rhyme with candor or owed her. It would (mostly) with "showed her". I have noticed a trend post "post-modernism" to abandon feminine rhyming conventions but /not/ the limericks ferfuck's sake. not the limericks!!

Odor rhymes with showed her like Britain rhymes with bitten, and English as is spoken, rhymes well with broken...ahem.
So there. Which by the way, rhymes with au pair....unless you thought I was referring to which which rhymes with bitch and we're back to canines again.
Tectak

[ChristopherSea]

Well... tectack has a blunt way of writing. Thanks for the advice, though, I'm going to try another limerick in the poetry practice thread

His middle name is Hephaestus and he is as blunt as a hammer when your poetry is his anvil, but we love him.

[Erthona]

milo you're so provincial. In Texas candor is pronounced as can-door and odor is pronounced as oh-door. See, here they rhyme. But other places they are pronounced as Can-der and Oh-dur, respectively, which of course would not be a rhyme.

Jes d'pens ona whar youse frum, doncha see Mat-yew?


Dale

---

"Well... tectack has a blunt way of writing. Thanks for the advice, though, I'm going to try another limerick in the poetry practice thread" That means they are going to ignore you Tom. Hey, maybe that babbling fool poem was about you! I'm only mean, cruel, and don't know what the fuck I'm talking about...but you're "blunt". And "blunt" as anyone knows means a partially used fag.


dale

[milo]

milo you're so provincial. In Texas candor is pronounced as can-door and odor is pronounced as oh-door. See, here they rhyme. But other places they are pronounced as Can-der and Oh-dur, respectively, which of course would not be a rhyme.

Jes d'pens ona whar youse frum, doncha see Mat-yew?

The problem isn't the pronunciation, it is the accent.

"O" doesn't rhyme with "can" no matter how you pronounce it. Feminine rhyme has to be a double rhyme to be effective.

Even if you were a crazy texan and pronounced it canDOOR and oDOOR you would be trying to rhyme "door" with "door" and that isn't rhyme, it is identity.

[ChristopherSea]

Once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass of no candor.
They'd stagger home to the woods
At night for beer, steak and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

Kindo, tectak's example does have the 9-9-6-6-9 meter that is preferred. This would sound better thusly;

A drunkard possessin' great odor
found some raunchy lass with no candor
staggered home through the woods
for a beer, steak and “goods”
No surprise to find her a realtor

[Demon™]

Well done.As you have posted two inadequate critiques you should consider this to be a warning. You are being give a little leeway because the two invalid critiques are chronologically close and may be considered as a single transgression. In your terse terminology...do better.
Mod.

[Am I A Poet?]

Most limericks tend to have 8 or 9 syllables in the first two lines, 5 or 6 in the third and fourth, and 8 or 9 in the fifth. Whether 8 or 9/ 5 or 6 are chosen, lines 1, 2 and 5 should have the same amount of syllables, as should lines 4 and 5, to carry the poem's momentum vividly. I agree with the previous posters that your meter issues make your, admittedly comic, 5 line poem something that is far from a traditional limerick.

Tectak's fourth line - "he boned her real good" - isn't such a good example, because it has 5 syllables compared with the previous line's 6.

In fact:

A drunkard with dog-body odor - 9
found a bitch with no morals or candor - 10
In his shack in the woods - 6
he boned her real good - 5
and woke with a cur...but still owed her. - 9

loses the whimsical momentum which defines a limerick, by having an offbeat rhythm.

However, it is far nearer to a limerick's rhythm than the original offering I guess.


Keep experimenting though

[Brownlie]

Aye but once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass with little candor.
By night he'd stagger home to the woods
Invite gals to his cabin for steak, beer, and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

Edit one

Once a drunkard possessin' great odor -- You start with a trochee here and need an anapest after your first foot. There is also one extra foot I think a limerick traditionally starts with eight syllables
Would find some raunchy lass of no candor. -- Again, I think to have a limerick here you would need the second foot to be an anapest. The anapests are essential to the limerick in my opinion.
They'd stagger home to the woods - A traditional limerick would have five syllables here.
At night for a beer - This would be what I think a five syllabic line in the middle of a traditional limerick would look like. The anapests in a limerick really create a staggering effect in my opinion.

surprise, then, to wake to a cur. This would be what one of the bordering lines may look like metrically in a limerick, though the syntax in my reordering is quite awkward. I'm even a little iffy on the quality of the word then there as an unstressed component of the foot.

1) - / - - / - - / 2) - / - - / - - / 3) - / - - / 4) - / - - / 5) - / - - / - - / - See more at: http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMI...zlbfN.dpuf
I use this website sometimes to work on form. Hopefully my comments helped. Good Luck.

---

Once a drunkard possessin' great odor
Would find some raunchy lass of no candor.
They'd stagger home to the woods
At night for beer, steak and “goods”
No surprise, then, once woke he with a real cur.

Kindo, tectak's example does have the 9-9-6-6-9 meter that is preferred. This would sound better thusly;

A drunkard possessin' great odor
found some raunchy lass with no candor
staggered home through the woods
for a beer, steak and “goods”
No surprise to find her a realtor

This actually sounds pretty good I never really played with different formations of the Limerick.