A moment of greed

[denniswilson]

Her eyes which were once blue are now a darker grey.
Her soul which shinned so bright had now gone away.
Does heaven await or maybe a different fate?
She sat and she waited until the sun could be seen and her eyes were no longer as dark as the sky.
She said " if an angel appears I shall kiss it with my last breath"
The wind whistled and the door creaked, yet still no angel lay at her feet.
A memory past and an image awakened,
when she had dared to ask she did receive
A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed.

Edit 1

Her eyes, which were once so blue, are now a darker grey.
Her soul, which shined so bright, had now gone away.
Does heaven await or maybe a different fate?
She sat and she waited until the sun could be seen.
She said "if an angel appears I shall kiss it and beg to tell what has been"
The wind whistled and the door creaked, yet still no angel.
A memory past and an image awaken,
The day that had seen her soul taken.
When she had dared to ask she did receive,
A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed.

[Mopkins]

He eyes which were once blue are now a darker grey.
Her soul which shinned so bright had now gone away.
Does heaven await or maybe a different fate?
She sat and she waited until the sun could be seen and her eyes were no longer as dark as the sky.
She said " if an angel appears I shall kiss it with my last breath"
The wind whistled and the door creaked, yet still no angel lay at her feet.
A memory past and an image awakened,
when she had dared to ask she did receive
A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed.

Hello
Line 1 Her not He
Line 2 – it’s shined or shone – not shinned

Your end rhymes – aabcdefgff are in no pattern – you begin with a couplet and then no rhyming then a closing couplet. This might be alright if the lines were the same length and there were some meter, but here neither is the case.
Also I’m a bit unclear– is this woman now a ghost (her soul is gone) waiting for the angel of death? If so why doesn’t he put in an appearance? And why would the angel lie at her feet? Also what did she ask? And of whom? God? Satan? It’s all a bit murky.

I feel this poem has potential and with some editing could be improved upon. Keep at it!

[California]

I believe you wanted to say "shone" instead of "shinned"? You have some mistakes like that one and I'm not the best to correct you, I'm afraid. But more important thing is reading these line drew a beautiful picture in my mind and created unusual atmosphere in my soul and that's what art is about. The last line is very nice!

[kindofahippy]

He eyes, which were once blue, are now a darker grey.
Her soul, which shinned so bright, had now gone away.

I added punctuation, in bold, that would slow down this poem through proper grammar. The first two lines read best when read carefully.

Does heaven await or maybe a different fate?

Death is a common theme in poetry. It is the age-old question of what awaits: heaven, hell, oblivion, or reincarnation.

She sat and she waited until the sun could be seen and her eyes were no longer as dark as the sky.

This line works nicely, the break in rhyme scheme is understood to be for the sake of writing down a heartfelt verse. However, it is too long for the poem, and thus jarring. Try a new line starting with and her eyes, the assymetry would be nice.

She said " if an angel appears I shall kiss it with my last breath"
The wind whistled and the door creaked, yet still no angel lay at her feet.
A memory past and an image awakened,
when she had dared to ask she did receive
A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed.

This last stanza doesn't make sense. No angel appeared, yet she saw an angel and it deeply affected her? Is she dying, and if so, how does she have a whole lifetime of hate left?

Hi, I find this to be a great poem, almost metaphysical in content. Now that you have the emotion written on the page, you can refine it poetically, or make it rhyme if you want. Don't take me too seriously though, I'm a moppet poet.

[Erthona]

This poem is lacking in clarity. I don't know if it's simply typos such as:

"He eyes which were once blue"

I'm guessing the "he" in this line is supposed to be a "her". Before you post something you really need to get the obvious problems out of the way.

This line is all well and good,

"A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed."

except it is not anticipated by what has come before it in the poem. You obviously think you are imply something here, but it is not at all clear what you think that is. What was her "moment of greed"? Because she wanted to kiss an angel? Where is her "lifetime of hate"? No where in the poem prior to this, is it addressed, only some vague ramblings about her eyes and her soul. I'm not even going to talk about the form as it has been covered well already. The only other thing I would say is if you are going to start with couplets, stick with them. It's very jarring to the reader if you start a certain way, then depart from that, because the reader anticipates that pattern, and expects it to continue. When it does not, the reader begins to ask questions about why, rather than be able to focus on the poem.

Best,


Dale

[denniswilson]

Thank you for the comments I've made a slight edit. I'm quite new to poetry so I appreciate all the comments... good or bad.

I thought I'd brake down the new version (Edit 1) to explain the story i'm putting across, although I like storys to be left to the readers own interpretation

Her eyes, which were once so blue, are now a darker grey.
( her eyes were blue when she was alive, but in death your eyes are supposed to cloud over, so this is hinting that she is dead.)

Her soul, which shined so bright, had now gone away.
(again hinting she is dead and now in death her souls has gone)

Does heaven await or maybe a different fate?
(her soul has gone but she isn't sure where, she is waiting to find her fate )

She sat and she waited until the sun could be seen.
( she's waiting to find out the future of her afterlife)

She said "if an angel appears I shall kiss it and beg to tell what has been"
( She's hoping for an angel to take her to heaven, she will confess all her sins if she sees one)

The wind whistled and the door creaked, yet still no angel.
(No angel has come)

A memory past and an image awaken,
( she starts to remember why no angel will come)

The day that had seen her soul taken.
( she remembers the day that she sold her soul (perhaps not in money terms) to the devil)

When she had dared to ask she did receive,
(she asked the devil)

A lifetime of hate for a moment of greed.
(she received whatever she asked for from the devil, 'the moment of greed' but now she realises that a lifetime of hate is ahead)

[Erthona]

If that's the case, then why did you write this:

"She said "if an angel appears I shall kiss it and beg to tell what has been"

for example instead of this?

She said "if an angel appears I shall kiss it and beg to confess my sins."

As there is no consistent line length, or rhyme pattern, I see no need to incorporate such tortured syntax or word choice, nor write something so obscurely when it is just as easy to write clearly. The poets job is not to make that which is clear obscure, but to make that which is obscure, clear.

Dale

[Simba]

I really love the first two lines of this poem. The rhyme seems really natural and works really well. However, the later rhymes seem to be really forced and they just don't need to be. Maybe losing the rhyme altogether in the rest of the poem and just writing what you want to write rather than what simply rhymes with the last word of the previous line would help a lot! Really do love the first two lines though!!

[JakMak]

The concept is awesome, the imagery in the first two lines are really very good, I was able to see a dead girl, and i felt i was able to pick up on her anxiety as she waited for her judgement, it's something I think we would all be concerned about in that situation, so it really hits home on a personal level for all of us. Regardless of one's beliefs, we know what we would want for ourselves were we in that particular situation, great subject material.
However:
"Her soul which had shined so bright had NOW GONE away?"
now is a present tense, and gone is a past tense, it just sounds weird to my ears.
I'm sure you already know the rhyme scheme is kinda inconsistant.
The last line really throws me off, while it's a great line, it just doesn't add anything to the poem, instead it makes me feel like i missed something, so it sort of subtracts. I saw the break down where you explained it all, but as the reader there was no way to know that, there's no back story to allude to any of that. I wandered what could she have done to cause an entire lifetime of hate, ya know?
Anyways, it was an interesting read, thank you for writing it!

[Am I A Poet?]

If your intention was to make the first two lines a traditional couplet, the rhythm is as crucial as the rhyme.

I've made a crude edit from:

Her eyes which were once blue are now a darker grey.
Her soul which shinned so bright had now gone away.

into iambic pentameter: (sorry if I messed with your meaning)

Her eyes which once were blue are now dark grey.
Her soul which shined so bright have gone away

It makes the couplet more distinct from the rests of the poem.