I Wished I Was The Water -edited

[Gestalt222]

i've missed a lot of stuff lately and i can't play catch up but i saw this as it was near the top of the pile welcome to the site. it's a fun piece and for me enjoying a poem is the most important...i enjoyed this one because of light heartedness and also because it works on a deeper level of wanting something you don't, or can't have.

thanks for the read and the shower.

2nd edit
The Shower


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that gently, warmly flowed

and beaded on your moistened skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if to so caress you gave this line out and out doesn't work for me. i have to keep repeating it to get it right. a suggestion would be [and with and with one small caress you gave]
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as loving rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop a suggestion would be [Bless'd fate! To be that lucky drop] to keep the meter but in retrospect maybe not as the meter is off in other places.
and on those lips to die!

I have to agree that adding lucky drop would really make the poem flow better, even if you have lucky before. My suggestion would be to change the first lucky to happy, since all the drops are happy right?

[Mopkins]

Hi Gestalt

thanks for reading and commenting. the reason I didn't add lucky to the last stanza is that for me, when I read it aloud, it made the line awkward and too long in comparison to the following line, besides being repetitive. - happy might work but to me it's a bit of a stretch to attribute emotion to the water drops, and it's a bit distracting from the sensual tone I'm trying to set. Thanks for the suggestion tho, and the time taken.


Marianne

[aerickson]

I really like this poem. The rhyme and meter are great and you have some really great imagery. I especially liked your last stanza. Well put. Thank you for posting!

3rd edit
I Wished I Was The Water


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that gently, warmly flowed

and beaded on your moistened skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if clinging to you gave
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as loving rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop
and on those lips to die!




2nd edit
The Shower


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that gently, warmly flowed

and beaded on your moistened skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if to so caress you gave
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as loving rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop
and on those lips to die!


1st Edit

The Shower


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that wetly, warmly flowed

and beaded on your shining skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if to so caress you gave
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as gentle rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop
and on those lips to die!



original

The Shower

How I watched you in the shower
All my lovesick thoughts untold
And I wished I was the water
That so wetly, warmly flowed

And beaded on your shining skin
As if by pure attraction;
As if to thus caress you gave
The water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as golden rain
O’er lonely Danae streaming
As rivulets of water left
Your body wet and gleaming

And pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
And whereabouts on you to cling
If it were up to me.

Then your sweet tongue swept your lip
And drew a dew inside
Oh blessed fate! To be that drip
And on those lips to die!

[Mopkins]

Hi Aerickson, glad you liked it, thanks for commenting