I Wished I Was The Water -edited
#1
3rd edit
I Wished I Was The Water


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that gently, warmly flowed

and beaded on your moistened skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if clinging to you gave
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as loving rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop
and on those lips to die!




2nd edit
The Shower


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that gently, warmly flowed

and beaded on your moistened skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if to so caress you gave
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as loving rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop
and on those lips to die!


1st Edit

The Shower


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that wetly, warmly flowed

and beaded on your shining skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if to so caress you gave
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as gentle rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop
and on those lips to die!



original

The Shower

How I watched you in the shower
All my lovesick thoughts untold
And I wished I was the water
That so wetly, warmly flowed

And beaded on your shining skin
As if by pure attraction;
As if to thus caress you gave
The water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as golden rain
O’er lonely Danae streaming
As rivulets of water left
Your body wet and gleaming

And pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
And whereabouts on you to cling
If it were up to me.

Then your sweet tongue swept your lip
And drew a dew inside
Oh blessed fate! To be that drip
And on those lips to die!
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#2
Hi, Mopkins, welcome. Good job giving critiques. Smile

I find this nicely crafted and a fun read.

For me, "lovesick" is a turnoff, it hinted at a lesser poem than this is, I'd love to see it replaced with something better.

"Then your sweet tongue swept your lip" This was my only trip, the meter did not come naturally to me.
And drew a dew inside. I'm not a fan of "a dew"

Well done, and again, welcome. Smile

(04-06-2014, 07:44 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  The Shower

How I watched you in the shower
All my lovesick thoughts untold
And I wished I was the water
That so wetly, warmly flowed

And beaded on your shining skin
As if by pure attraction;
As if to thus caress you gave
The water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as golden rain
O’er lonely Danae streaming
As rivulets of water left
Your body wet and gleaming

And pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
And whereabouts on you to cling
If it were up to me.

Then your sweet tongue swept your lip
And drew a dew inside
Oh blessed fate! To be that drip
And on those lips to die!
billy wrote:welcome to the site. make it your own, wear it like a well loved slipper and wear it out. ella pleads:please click forum titles for posting guidelines, important threads. New poet? Try Poetic DevicesandWard's Tips

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#3
hello Ellajam and thanks for the welcome and thumbs up on my crits. (nervously undertaken - I'm no expert)

lovesick is a bit weak isn't it - perhaps 'wanton' instead... to go with all the other w's in the first verse. Meter's not my strong point - and drew a dew might be better as drew a drop...

Food for thought! Thanks for reading and commenting - it's appreciated.
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#4
Hello Mopkins, The Shower is great idea to display a flood of sensual fantasies.
I am a beginner myself, with a long way to go. I can only offer what seems to flow best for me, so please help me along my way when possible.
"How I watched you in the shower".... Is this a question and how many ways are there to watch someone in the shower?
Maybe: While I watched you in the shower,
"All my lovesick thoughts untold".............. " all my fantasies were bold.
"And I wished I was the water" How I wished to be that water,
"That so wetly, warmly flowed"................ " as it so wet and warmly flowed.
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#5
hello thoughtjotter - thanks for commenting.

you make a good point 'how' doesn't really seem to go when I re-read it. Can't think of any improvement off the top of my head...I'll have to think about it.

thanks again for your suggestions
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#6
(04-07-2014, 03:24 AM)Mopkins Wrote:  hello thoughtjotter - thanks for commenting.

you make a good point 'how' doesn't really seem to go when I re-read it. Can't think of any improvement off the top of my head...I'll have to think about it.

thanks again for your suggestions

Sorry I did not post correctly, I'll get there eventually.
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#7
The poem is really nice, so pure and romantic, but the title is the other way round! I wish it was more into this romantic mood
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#8
(04-07-2014, 08:00 PM)California Wrote:  The poem is really nice, so pure and romantic, but the title is the other way round! I wish it was more into this romantic mood

Oh no! Don't make me want to think up a new title - I can't thinks of names for anything.... i always have a problem coming up with names for my characters in computer games, or usernames or passwords...

An alternative title I had considered was In The Bathroom but that's just as unromantic...You.ve given me something to think about, thanks for the read and input, california.




Thoughtjotter wrote: Sorry I did not post correctly, I'll get there eventually.


What was wrong with your post? I thought it was okay. Stress Less!
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#9
(04-07-2014, 08:47 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Oh no! Don't make me want to think up a new title - I can't thinks of names for anything....

You can use one of your own lines or a combination or words from your poem)
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#10
California - Oh, it sounds easy i know - but it's a bit like renaming one of your kids. This is an old poem I've dug out to see if I can improve it and I wrote it about 2002.

I'll keep your kind suggestion in mind - and try coming up with alternative titles for my baby.
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#11
(04-06-2014, 07:44 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  The Shower

How I watched you in the shower
All my lovesick thoughts untold
And I wished I was the water <"how" instead of "and">
That so wetly, warmly flowed

And beaded on your shining skin <do you need "and">
As if by pure attraction; <this line is short>
As if to thus caress you gave <word order bad, Hulk smash!>
The water satisfaction. <this line is short>

I thought of Zeus as golden rain <comes to close to golden shower for my taste Smile >
O’er lonely Danae streaming<this line is short>
As rivulets of water left
Your body wet and gleaming <this line is short>

And pondered on which lucky drop<do you need "and">
I should most like to be<this line is short>
And whereabouts on you to cling
If it were up to me.<this line is short, now a pattern 4-3-4-3 but first stanza was 4-4-4-4>

Then your sweet tongue swept your lip
And drew a dew inside <and, and,and, and, and>
Oh blessed fate! To be that drip < drop melodramatic "Oh", force "Blessed" to be read as two syllables, instead of a one syllable diphthong>
And on those lips to die!

Your first stanza is composed of 4 lines of tetrameter, the rest of your stanzas are composed of alternating lines of tetrameter and trimeter. Generally what would be ballad meter with the xaxa rhyme scheme, except it is not in iambs, but in accentual verse (accents per line). Usually the first stanza metrically, or accentually sets the pattern for the poem.

The affectation of starting every line with a cap died a much needed death by the 1950's, please do not try and resurrect it, it makes reading the poem much more difficult. If it is not the beginning of a sentence do not capitalize. Thank you!

What's with all the "ands"/ Is this your favorite word? You're killing me! Arg!

I suppose I could say mean things about the overuse of "water on skin" as an erotic device, but I'll refrain, but personally, bringing Greek mythology into this scene is like bringing a tank to a knife fight. Plus if you think about the rest of the story the whole thing becomes much less erotic; little drops of Perseus. Plus it creates a little bit of cognitive dissonance as the woman (one must assume) the speaker is lusting over is having sex with a god, and if we take the myth literally, being impregnated by the same god while the speaker is watching (Oh well, some people like this sort of thing, but personally, if I am going to watch some other guy do my girl, I'd just as soon it not be a god, that's a hard act to follow[pun intended]). Regardless, I cannot get beyond that the golden rain is happening in the shower, thus a golden shower. Oh well, piss on it, god! Smile

If you reworked your first stanza to match the rest, it is on the whole enjoyable to read...for a love poem.Anyway, it takes little to make it like the rest of the stanzas.

"As I watched you in the shower,
my lovesick thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water,
that wetly, warmly flowed."

I don't usually go line by line, but this seemed to need it for explanatory purposes, not because the poem was terrible.


Best,


Dale
How long after picking up the brush, the first masterpiece?

The goal is not to obfuscate that which is clear, but make clear that which isn't.
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#12
(04-06-2014, 07:44 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  The Shower

How I watched you in the shower
All my lovesick thoughts untold
And I wished I was the water
That so wetly, warmly flowed

And beaded on your shining skin
As if by pure attraction;
As if to thus caress you gave As if to caress you thus gave... the water satisfaction

This change would offer a good logical connection without breaking the rhythm.

The water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as golden rain
O’er lonely Danae streaming
As rivulets of water left
Your body wet and gleaming

And pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
And whereabouts on you to cling
If it were up to me...

I can think of several good answers. Great work with the meter, the syllables all match up to a T. It's a nice poem, just a little Blush is all.
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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#13
Erthona - thanks for your detailed analysis - I suck at meter and all advice in that regard is gratefully received.

I was a strange kid who read mythology so my first association with golden rain is the story or Zeus and Danae - not the more modern meaning it has today.... which i don't want creeping into the poem... Looks like because of this golden rain problem I might have to drop the mythological reference altogether and that's what the poem was initially written around....

Starting each line with a capital is a problem with me, can't afford to buy modern poetry and all my dusty old books of dusty old verse have everything capititalized, I'm fond of William Blake who loved capitals, and old habits die hard. I promise I'll try to refrain from capitalizing everything in future work.

I like your rework of the first verse, and I see your point about all the ands.... it's not my favorite word - they all just snuck in there because it wold seem I'm fond of long sentences in short poems.

Anyhow, thanks once again for the effort put in to critting this - it's much appreciated.

hi kind of a hippy,

thanks for commenting on my admittedly steamy poem.

I wrote that line ass about backwards to keep the meter going, but it's no good - it sounds forced. Unfortunately for me your edit doesn't seem to fit the meter either... And while I can count syllables I can't keep a rhythm... oh well - I'm not dead yet and there's time to learn.

Love your user name as I'm kind of a hippy too. Thanks once again for reading and commenting.
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#14
(04-07-2014, 11:04 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  Starting each line with a capital is a problem with me, can't afford to buy modern poetry and all my dusty old books of dusty old verse have everything capititalized, I'm fond of William Blake who loved capitals, and old habits die hard. I promise I'll try to refrain from capitalizing everything in future work.

Let's see, if I glance to the left at my bookshelf I see... Shakespeare, Ibsen, Wilde, Kipling, Tolstoi, Stevensen, Doyle, Hugo, Poe, among others. The most modern is Robert Frost. You're not alone with your old books.

I always liked old poetry and anarchisms for the chance to escape the present and get back to simpler times, but here I hear that using ye olde figures of speech just looks pretentious and silly. Sad
*Warning: blatant tomfoolery above this line
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#15
In the eighties I was listening to Mum and Dad's records from the sixties and that was modern enough for me. Now it's the teens and I'm listening to eighties music. The poetry is even worse. If it's not over a hundred years old then I most likely haven't read it and probably don't care to... Perhaps in my old age I'll listen to hiphop and read noughties poetry to recapture my middle age...

So far noone's told me off for using old daggy terms in this poem, suppose it's still coming?

Anyhow, here's to dusty old books and out of date poetry - gotta live a little wildly don't we?
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#16
Hi BedsideFungus, thanks for commenting. I'm glad you liked it as it was, I've taken your suggestions and changed wetly to slowly, and shining to moistened, which hopefully will be an improvement, Though I may yet change slowly to gently... still a work in progress so thanks for your input

Marianne
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#17
i've missed a lot of stuff lately and i can't play catch up but i saw this as it was near the top of the pile Smile welcome to the site. it's a fun piece and for me enjoying a poem is the most important...i enjoyed this one because of light heartedness and also because it works on a deeper level of wanting something you don't, or can't have.

thanks for the read and the shower.

(04-06-2014, 07:44 PM)Mopkins Wrote:  2nd edit
The Shower


As I watched you in the shower,
my wanton thoughts untold,
how I wished I was the water
that gently, warmly flowed

and beaded on your moistened skin
as if by pure attraction;
as if to so caress you gave this line out and out doesn't work for me. i have to keep repeating it to get it right. a suggestion would be [and with and with one small caress you gave]
the water satisfaction.

I thought of Zeus as loving rain
o’er lonely Danae streaming
as rivulets of water left
your body wet and gleaming.

I pondered on which lucky drop
I should most like to be
and whereabouts on you to cling
if it were up to me.

Then your tongue – it swept your lip
and drew a drop inside...
Blessed fate! To be that drop a suggestion would be [Bless'd fate! To be that lucky drop] to keep the meter but in retrospect maybe not as the meter is off in other places.
and on those lips to die!
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#18
thanks billy, i agree that line is awkward, i want to give the idea of the water being satisfied by it's caressing of him, I'll think about it. Don't want to use lucky twice in such a short piece, though your suggestion seems more in keeping with the rhythm, such as it has. cheers, Marianne
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#19
Lovely poem. Wish you could change the title to something more sensual. What do you think?Shenaz, you can do better than this. Don't let yourself downSmile
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Bi aori adan fi sebo, ao lo obe
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#20
Hi Shenaz, yes i had thought 'You In The Shower' from the first line but I've not settled on anything yet. Another was In The Bathroom but that's just as unromantic. thanks for the suggestion tho - I am considering changing it but to what I don't yet know.
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