The Kids Ain't Alright (Formerly Scoop Him Up) edit #2.1

[ellajam]

edit #2.1 The Kids Ain't Alright (Chris)

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door and fills the empty
driveway, mustang and jeep repossessed.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.

edit #2 The Kids Ain't Alright

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

Iced-over snow blocks
the front door, fills
the driveway emptied
of repossessed jeeps and mustangs.
Young parents bitterly blame
each other, quick to reclaim their worn
out party shoes; but what glitters is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love for him as they flee
their mess. He runs wild and screams
demands, mimicking his heroes.


edit #1 One Boy

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original Scoop Him Up

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

[Erthona]

Mar cello,

I like this idea, but I am uncertain what
"too young for this", "his parents cry
about themselves," are they feeling self pity. are they the ones too young? It seems to conflict with the next stanza.

Dale

[ellajam]

Thanks for reading.

Yes, the parents are big babies bemoaning being tied down at a young age. I'll work on clarifying, thanks.

[justcloudy]

Unlike Dale I get this, and I love it. A crisp and heartbreaking scene. It actually reminds me of the Breaking Bad episode with the kid with the methhead parents. Evokes a lot.

I'll see if I have concrete suggestions later, but for now I'm just reeling inside the story.

[ellajam]

Hi cloudy, thanks for getting it. I haven't seen Breaking Bad (shock). The situation is not unique unfortunately. Heartbreaking is exactly where I was going.

Thanks for reading and for your comments.

[jeremyyoung]

The title is the problem for me... what does scoop him up mean? Like dog dirt? Like in a roundup by the authorities? Like water on a ladle? Ice cream?

There a some very good rhymes in this piece - particularly like cry and bitter-lie.

[ellajam]

The title is the problem for me... what does scoop him up mean? Like dog dirt? Like in a roundup by the authorities? Like water on a ladle? Ice cream?

There a some very good rhymes in this piece - particularly like cry and bitter-lie.

Thanks for reading and for your comments, Jeremy. I am title challenged so I will surely think about this one. I meant scoop like scoop him up in my arms, like a backhoe reaches in and scoops up and removes. I'm not married to it.

I appreciate your time, welcome again.

[jeremyyoung]

The title is the problem for me... what does scoop him up mean? Like dog dirt? Like in a roundup by the authorities? Like water on a ladle? Ice cream?

There a some very good rhymes in this piece - particularly like cry and bitter-lie.

Thanks for reading and for your comments, Jeremy. I am title challenge so I will surely think about this one. I meant scoop like scoop him up in my arms, like a backhoe reaches in and scoops up and removes. I'm not married to it.

I appreciate your time, welcome again.

I was partly teasing... though perhaps offering pointers as to possible titles.

[ellajam]

Jeremy, I was thinking about the rhyme comment as I wasn't putting them in, maybe I will.

Dale,

I was hoping "too young" would do double duty, child and parents. I was undecided on the quotation marks, do you think they threw it off?

I've been looking for the conflict with the last stanza, I don't see it, could you pinpoint it for me?

[Erthona]

ella,

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

To me it seems there is nothing that indicates there is a switch in the parents emotional behavior. At once the are bitter and spite filled,(fairly strong emotions I think), then they kiss his sweet face and declare their love (for him?, for each other). If it was clear that he had run away from them, and they were frustrated, even at each other, that is to say it is the others fault he got away. Then when they catch him all is forgiven, and being together again brings out the love because they are so grateful to have each other and are safe. This also would explain where their anger came from. If their anger comes from something other than besides blaming each other about the boy getting away, the resolution would appear disingenuous.

Also I have no idea what the second stanza refers to as it is attached in no way to the observer. or the couple and their son.

The first stanza is a very good description, however I think the observer should stay out of the scene as she only appear via of the title.

Dale

[ellajam]

ella,

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

To me it seems there is nothing that indicates there is a switch in the parents emotional behavior. At once the are bitter and spite filled,(fairly strong emotions I think), then they kiss his sweet face and declare their love (for him?, for each other). If it was clear that he had run away from them, and they were frustrated, even at each other, that is to say it is the others fault he got away. Then when they catch him all is forgiven, and being together again brings out the love because they are so grateful to have each other and are safe. This also would explain where their anger came from. If their anger comes from something other than besides blaming each other about the boy getting away, the resolution would appear disingenuous.

Also I have no idea what the second stanza refers to as it is attached in no way to the observer. or the couple and their son.

The first stanza is a very good description, however I think the observer should stay out of the scene as she only appear via of the title.

Dale

Thank you, Dale. That is a very clear explanation of the confusion, and I agree about the title. I'll see what I can do.

---

Not that it helps because the poem has to say it, but I realized I forgot to explain.

The boy lives in the house that is so poorly maintained that it looks abandoned. It is his parents who are fleeing each other, their love and devotion to the child turned to lip-service. As four-year-olds can sometimes do, he still smiles, sometimes.

I'll try to tweak to clarity.

[cidermaid]

Hi ella,
this is a sad one, but it also has a note of lightness to it and as such is well balanced as a life picture. Have a couple of thoughts to offer.

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane. loved this whole stanza and wouldn't want anything changed - it is a bautiful picture

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit. I would prefer the change of house to home to reinforce the referance to family life and also would suggest that you change the lines round to read. Think there might be some merit in changing the line length as well to mark the transition. But just a suggestion.
A home abandoned by anyone who gives a shit.
A foot of unshoveled snow blocks the doorway.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running. This stanza is not quite working. The meaning and image is in there but is has to be dug out. I would suggest working on the last two lines. I think selfish might lead the reader to the image of abandonement of responsibility and parenting that i read into this. (? Selfish and bitter they scarper...not sure this is right - just a suggestion to think around)

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught. not a fan of thoroughly taught. Suggestions: taught on the knee?, no they did not love him enough (& cliche)...but something along this line would work better for me.

I like this one a lot - thanks for the read. AJ.

[ChristopherSea]

Ella, you have gotten quite a bit of advice on how to clarify the piece, but I wanted to share the chords this struck with me. That opener could represent an anxious child or pet awaiting parents or master return, respectively. It's quite effective and could be either one, if is wasn't for that smile. You made it clear that the parents are too young to deal with a child. It brought back an old memory. One girlfriend of mine was raised by her grandparents because her mother did not want to marry the father nor miss the opportunity to go away to college. This common story fits your scenario, as we are left to wonder who is watching the child as they parents flee. I also thought of a kid left home alone as the parents go to the casino or work. I want to scoop them all up! You have a very specific story in mind, so good luck bringing it to fruition.

[ellajam]

Hi ella,
this is a sad one, but it also has a note of lightness to it and as such is well balanced as a life picture. Have a couple of thoughts to offer.

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane. loved this whole stanza and wouldn't want anything changed - it is a bautiful picture

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit. I would prefer the change of house to home to reinforce the referance to family life and also would suggest that you change the lines round to read. Think there might be some merit in changing the line length as well to mark the transition. But just a suggestion.
A home abandoned by anyone who gives a shit.
A foot of unshoveled snow blocks the doorway.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running. This stanza is not quite working. The meaning and image is in there but is has to be dug out. I would suggest working on the last two lines. I think selfish might lead the reader to the image of abandonement of responsibility and parenting that i read into this. (? Selfish and bitter they scarper...not sure this is right - just a suggestion to think around)

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught. not a fan of thoroughly taught. Suggestions: taught on the knee?, no they did not love him enough (& cliche)...but something along this line would work better for me.

I like this one a lot - thanks for the read. AJ.

Thanks so much for reading and for your thoughtful notes. I am especially interested in your suggestion to vary the line length, I don't usually write like that and it will be fun to attempt it.

i originally had "apple not far from the tree" instead of "thoroughly taught" but chucked it as cliche. I will try to think of something better.

Thanks for your guidance with this.

---

Chris, thanks for reading and for your thoughts.

[ellajam]

Well, I've tried to edit to clarity, but I think I may have pulled the focus off the boy. All critique welcomed.

[tomoffing]

Hey Ella,
Lovely piece. I missed this last time so have read just the edit. First and final stanzas in particular are great. Minor thoughts on the middle below.

Thanks
t

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks blocks has a structural feel to it that conflicts with snow for me
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry self absorbed is a little abstract, you could try capturing this with the cries?
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming a little redundancy. Bitterly blaming each other maybe
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

[jeremyyoung]

I like the edits.

Especially the line about the repossessed cars - a fine description of what isn't there.

There's something slightly awry in the tone in a parts - like the boy running wild - is he?

[heslopian]

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane. Though "crooked" feels slightly extraneous, like it's there merely to beef up the meter, the verse as a whole is irresistably cute and sweet

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit. Surely they don't give a shit if they've abandoned it?
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway Should a comma go here? emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt I'm going to assume this is a Led Zeppelin reference, and if it is, it's awesome Also, "worn out party shoes" is a nicely subtle image after the preceding bluntness in this verse.
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes. The personality shift in the boy, who previously seemed so playful and sweet, is a bit sudden, and maybe needs a longer poem to justify it, but the bleak message still shines through.

The setting and parents' characterisation are what's best about this poem. You have a knack for creating these wee portraits in words, which really comes across here. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

[ellajam]

Hey Ella,
Lovely piece. I missed this last time so have read just the edit. First and final stanzas in particular are great. Minor thoughts on the middle below.

Thanks
t

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.
Unshoveled snow blocks blocks has a structural feel to it that conflicts with snow for me
the doorway, fills the driveway emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry self absorbed is a little abstract, you could try capturing this with the cries?
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming a little redundancy. Bitterly blaming each other maybe
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes.

Original

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane.

A foot of unshoveled
snow blocks the doorway,
a house abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit.

"Too young, too young
for this", his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled and running.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee.
He runs wild and screams
demands, thoroughly taught.

Hi, t, thanks for reading and taking the time to leave me some notes.

Two feet of frozen snow is indeed structural, it's insane not to move it before it solidifies. And I like the blocks break, but I'll examine it more closely.

Yes, self-absorbed not so good, they originally cried "Too young", which didn't work too well, but I agree a cry would be better.

Bitterly blaming is a lovely awful thing, thanks.

---

I like the edits.

Especially the line about the repossessed cars - a fine description of what isn't there.

There's something slightly awry in the tone in a parts - like the boy running wild - is he?

Kids can do that, be their lovely selves and then terrors under other circumstances, but maybe "running wild" is not the best way to say it, thanks.

Can you pinpoint the other spots where the tone seems off?

Thanks for you efforts with this.

---

edit #1

His head pops up between
crooked curtain and window,
gorgeous, goofy grin squashed
against the uncleaned pane. Though "crooked" feels slightly extraneous, like it's there merely to beef up the meter, the verse as a whole is irresistably cute and sweet

His home's abandoned
by anyone who gives a shit. Surely they don't give a shit if they've abandoned it?
Unshoveled snow blocks
the doorway, fills the driveway Should a comma go here? emptied
of repossessed cars.

Self-absorbed, his parents cry
about themselves, bitterly
spite-filled, each blaming
the other, reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt I'm going to assume this is a Led Zeppelin reference, and if it is, it's awesome Also, "worn out party shoes" is a nicely subtle image after the preceding bluntness in this verse.
ridden, their laughter joyless.

They kiss his sweet face, declare
their love as they flee their mess.
He runs wild and screams demands,
as all children mimic their heroes. The personality shift in the boy, who previously seemed so playful and sweet, is a bit sudden, and maybe needs a longer poem to justify it, but the bleak message still shines through.

The setting and parents' characterisation are what's best about this poem. You have a knack for creating these wee portraits in words, which really comes across here. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

Great notes, thank you.

Crooked was put there to make sure the curtain wasn't attractive, I considered sagging, I'll think on it.

I tried swapping lines in S2, I don't think I did it successfully, thanks for highlighting that.

I don't think I need a longer poem to make sense of the boy's two sides, just better words.

Thanks for your kind words and your help, much appreciated.

[jeremyyoung]

re: tonal

I like the portrait of the child at the start - spot on.

I like...

"reclaiming their worn out
party shoes, but what glittered is guilt
ridden,"

Especially the placement of 'ridden'.

But there is in general, too much of the feckless poor.

It's like you are saying something about yourself rather than them - if the kid was mine... yadda, yadda....