Ezekiel's Tears

[crow]

Ezekiel's Tears

Day breaks purple on the canyon faces.
Cactus, white as bone with teardrop pads,
Grip the stone, as the sun overtops the crags,
And bloom red, waxy, smelling graceless,
Rancid, mean. Bluefly swarm the stamens,
Grow swollen, wasted, glittering hazily as
The sun drives like a bison cross the chasm.
The white pads flush green as her rays

Slip down the dome of the deserted sky. Bats
Drop flightless from the deep creases, beneath the weird
Formations, as the day dies, fall as dead,
Toward the closing blossoms, thick with feted
Fly, spread suddenly their leather traps,
Feast, and scatter the seed of Ezekiel's Tears.

[Erthona]

Although this has the core of a good poem, I think your use of enjambment with all caps at the start of the lines makes it very difficult to read, nor doe it seem to benefit from the abba rhyme scheme that starts the poem. Overall the poem has good rhythm, paints a clear picture and ends on an energetic note. For me, it is only, what I would have to call the ceaseless artificial introduction of tropes to the poem that makes it less than it could be. Sometimes less is more, and I think that is true in this case.

Best,

dale

[milo]

Ezekiel's Tears

Day breaks purple on the canyon faces.
Cactus, white as bone with teardrop pads,
Grip the stone, as the sun overtops the crags,
And bloom red, waxy, smelling graceless,
Rancid, mean. Bluefly swarm the stamens,
Grow swollen, wasted, glittering hazily as
The sun drives like a bison cross the chasm.
The white pads flush green as her rays

Slip down the dome of the deserted sky. Bats
Drop flightless from the deep creases, beneath the weird
Formations, as the day dies, fall as dead,
Toward the closing blossoms, thick with feted
Fly, spread suddenly their leather traps,
Feast, and scatter the seed of Ezekiel's Tears.

"Grips"

[crow]

I agree about the caps. I'll fix it. Also about the tropes. I wasn't sure if they'd be atmospheric or dumb-sounding.

On grips--Main Entry: cac·tus
Pronunciation: \ˈkak-təs\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural cac·ti \-ˌtī, -(ˌ)tē\ or cac·tus·es also cactus (source:mw.com)

[milo]

I agree about the caps. I'll fix it. Also about the tropes. I wasn't sure if they'd be atmospheric or dumb-sounding.

On grips--Main Entry: cac·tus
Pronunciation: \ˈkak-təs\
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural cac·ti \-ˌtī, -(ˌ)tē\ or cac·tus·es also cactus (source:mw.com)

Well, cactus is /not/ the plural of cactus. It isn't surprising that M-W online got it wrong as it is rife with errors, it is surprising you believed it. Have you /ever/, anywhere read "cactus" as the plural form of cactus?

Here, the oed, not that it is necessary:

http://books.google.com/books?id=fXycAQAAQBAJ&pg=PA87&dq=oxford+english+dictionary+cactus+plural&hl=en&sa=X&ei=SedBU_7DBIXlygGC2YHoCA&ved=0CDgQ6AEwAQ

---

I would suggest switching to standard form, otherwise it just reads like simple subject/verb disagreement.

[crow]

Oy. This is getting bogged down. But, (1) I have read cactus as the plural of cactus, and as a native Texan, it's the standard plural for the folks I know, (2) cacti is a latinization of a non-latin word, so the OED ain't perfect either, (3) it's fine to say MW sucks, but they're not pulling the usage out of their butts, and (4) the whole point of using the plural is that it's weird. It parallels bluefly, bats/fall/spread . . . All of the nested lists are designed . . .

Nm. I took the bait here, instead of taking the edit. Thanks for the note, and I'll look for a write-around. I stopped posting in serious bc I was getting comments like this one--condescending, rude, and not engaged with the content of the poem. Since I'm posting in mild critique, here, I'd appreciate a refrain from comments like "it is surprising you believed it" which is neither mild nor a critique.

---

Fwiw--Cacti vs. cactuses
. . . Also, like many names of plants, the uninflected cactus is sometimes treated as plural.

http://grammarist.com/usage/cacti-cactuses/

[ChristopherSea]

Oy. This is getting bogged down. But, (1) I have read cactus as the plural of cactus, and as a native Texan, it's the standard plural for the folks I know, (2) cacti is a latinization of a non-latin word, so the OED ain't perfect either, (3) it's fine to say MW sucks, but they're not pulling the usage out of their butts, and (4) the whole point of using the plural is that it's weird. It parallels bluefly, bats/fall/spread . . . All of the nested lists are designed . . .

Nm. I took the bait here, instead of taking the edit. Thanks for the note, and I'll look for a write-around. I stopped posting in serious bc I was getting comments like this one--condescending, rude, and not engaged with the content of the poem. Since I'm posting in mild critique, here, I'd appreciate a refrain from comments like "it is surprising you believed it" which is neither mild nor a critique.

---

Fwiw--Cacti vs. cactuses
. . . Also, like many names of plants, the uninflected cactus is sometimes treated as plural.

http://grammarist.com/usage/cacti-cactuses/

Crow,

It's a beautiful desert-scape. I could paint this one in watercolors. Cacti reads as well as cactus for me. I may have more of an issue the intervening sun between the Cacti descriptions. Would something on the order on this read as well:

As the sun overtops the crags,
cactus, white as bone with teardrop pads,
grip the stone
and bloom red, waxy, smelling graceless,
rancid, mean.

Not a re-write, just an example. See what you think. I was not aware of this cactus species. I love the succulents. Thanks for sharing it./Chris

[crow]

--I'm looking at the substantive feedback, which is greatly appreciated, but I wanted to note, quickly, that all of the plants, animals, and locations are invented. I most likely should have noted that originally. Thanks!

---

--CS,

Imho, this is a bad poem, but I wanted to see if the rather flat, D&D-esque descriptions had any draw. I've been compiling a series of these speculative biology poems, and this'n seemed right to scrap, but there's something about it I just like, and I wanted to see if it was just me. I'm taking from your comment that the first move in making this worth reading is a basic order restructuring. Note taken, and I tend to agree . . .

[ellajam]

Hi, crow, I love a good snapshot poem. This one has some issues that cloud it instead of sharpening it. I've put just a few notes below, as I read your comment on it being placed in Mild Critique. IME, the critique on this site will rise to the level of potential the posters think the poem has, where ever the poem is posted. I always take it as a compliment when the big guns are pulled out on one of mine.

Ezekiel's Tears

Day breaks purple on the canyon faces.
Cactus, white as bone with teardrop pads, White of bone bores me, while teardrop pads interests me.
Grip the stone, as the sun overtops the crags, Not a fan of overtops.
And bloom red, waxy, smelling graceless,
Rancid, mean. Bluefly swarm the stamens, I love swarm the stamens.
Grow swollen, wasted, glittering hazily as
The sun drives like a bison cross the chasm. I picture a bison flying across the chasm, I'd also prefer plural bison to go with drives.
The white pads flush green as her rays

Slip down the dome of the deserted sky. Bats
Drop flightless from the deep creases, beneath the weird
Formations, as the day dies, fall as dead,
Toward the closing blossoms, thick with feted
Fly, spread suddenly their leather traps,
Feast, and scatter the seed of Ezekiel's Tears.

[71degrees]

Ezekiel's Tears

Day breaks purple on the canyon faces.
Cactus, white as bone with teardrop pads,
Grip the stone, as the sun overtops the crags,
And bloom red, waxy, smelling graceless,
Rancid, mean. Bluefly swarm the stamens,
Grow swollen, wasted, glittering hazily as
The sun drives like a bison cross the chasm.
The white pads flush green as her rays

Slip down the dome of the deserted sky. Bats
Drop flightless from the deep creases, beneath the weird
Formations, as the day dies, fall as dead,
Toward the closing blossoms, thick with feted
Fly, spread suddenly their leather traps,
Feast, and scatter the seed of Ezekiel's Tears.

Not sure if you're using Ezekiel from the Christian view point or the Islamic...it's my understanding prophecy from him differs in interpretation. As I read your responses to other critiques, I assume it's Christian and the destruction of Jerusalem temples. In that vein, the language works for me as a reader (rancid, chasm, etc.). Perhaps "cactus" could be more name specific (kind?)...that would give me a geographic image. Personification is awkward at the end of stanza one. "her" sneaked up on me and I had to stop and ask myself, "who her?" for a second.

Epic type images are hard sometimes. The capitalization of "Tears" for instance. Nothing wrong w/making the reader work but is it an actual reference to Ezekiel 24:16? Just curious.

I like the poem. I like the imagery represented here.

[crow]

I can't help but say this, bc it's a funny story--this one's based on a photo of a painting a girl from okcupid txted me, and I liked the painting and we were hitting it off, so I wrote this poem and sent it to her, somehow not grocking the fact that a creepy poem about bats eating flies might warn someone away.

She ended up canceling our first date hahaha

Ellajam--thanks for pointing out the weaknesses here. I'll give it another rewrite to see if I can get it to be consistently engaging. Thanks for the notes!

[ellajam]

I can't help but say this, bc it's a funny story--this one's based on a photo of a painting a girl from okcupid txted me, and I liked the painting and we were hitting it off, so I wrote this poem and sent it to her, somehow not grocking the fact that a creepy poem about bats eating flies might warn someone away.

She ended up canceling our first date hahaha

Ellajam--thanks for pointing out the weaknesses here. I'll give it another rewrite to see if I can get it to be consistently engaging. Thanks for the notes!

Internet dating's funny that way.

[ChristopherSea]

I can't help but say this, bc it's a funny story--this one's based on a photo of a painting a girl from okcupid txted me, and I liked the painting and we were hitting it off, so I wrote this poem and sent it to her, somehow not grocking the fact that a creepy poem about bats eating flies might warn someone away.

She ended up canceling our first date hahaha

Ellajam--thanks for pointing out the weaknesses here. I'll give it another rewrite to see if I can get it to be consistently engaging. Thanks for the notes!

Internet dating's funny that way.

Perhaps, that backfire happened because you were on a dating site. Had you met her on a poetry site, you may have had a totally different experience. I know a little about it, as I met my wife on a poetry site.

[crow]

Awesome! I'd love to hear that story!