Trumpet Blasts

[Elezaron]

Hey, I sort of wrote this poem singing it in my head, so its a bit more like a song. there is a tune to it at least. I want to know if it is any good without the tune as well as get some minor critique. Thanks, Friends!

You gave me just what I needed,
Exactly when I needed it,
I spent my time,
I looked thorugh the window and thought I understood,
And You saw my insight and saw it for just what it was,
pretentious,
You allowed my thoughts to blossom without shaming me,
You took me by the hand when my fingers were only large enough to grasp your pinky,
And I HELD ON,
OH I HELD ON,
I felt like I did when I was at kennywood,
and I rode aladin's carpet for the first time, and I turned green,
a shade of green I've never met before or after,
and the handrail sat in front of me,
and while keeping me safe it punched me where it hurts most,
and grabed the padded safety bar when I was still small enough to ride the dog, SHADOW
And I HELD ON,
OH I HELD ON,
And I stood at the Kotel on Shavuot when the trupet blasts,
In that moment I wanted to be Joshua,
I wanted THAT WALL TO FALL DOWN,
THAT WALL TO FALL DOWN,
THAT WALL TO FALL DOWN,
And I HELD ON,
OH I HELD ON,
before all things I want to be beautiful,
I want to stand out,
but that is something you earn and it's something that I haven't yet,
and every time they ask me I tell them it's a pipe dream,
because it is,
And I HELD ON,
OH I HELD ON,
...
and I wasn't,
ready,
to let go.

[billy]

please leave feedback else where after five reasonable piece on other people poets you'll be able to post poetry elsewhere/mod

[Elezaron]

I can't feel any real timing or cadence in this. But I also can't hear the melody in your head. Music is very forgiving..some things sound better sung with music than they sound recited without it.

Overall, I think it has possibilities. Thanks, and I hope this is helpful.
[/quote]

thanks, man. The Esoteric stuff is a little personal rather than relate-able. kennywood is an amusement park in Pittsburgh where i grew up, and shadow is the name of my dog when I was young. I really appreciate the feedback.

[Erthona]

What struck me the most was that there were few if any poetic devices used. including no cadence. Using a song to help you write might help you with something to write,, but its probably not going to teach you how to write poetry, unless of course the lyrics are also poems.

Dale