The Embrace of Creation

[Mikeodial]

The ultimate connection with creation.
Outpouring love energized,
words incompetently describe,
feelings before or since.
All channels open and forgotten …
our unique moment for body and soul,
electrified and infused;
overwhelmed by physical instinct and spiritual love,
drenched in sweat, blessings and grace.
I AM made.

Bathed with intention of love and commitment,
an image transforms the instant of love …
Into me.
A new being, confirming God’s eternal love,
with each breadth taken.

[ChristopherSea]

Hi Mikeodial, Your opening line needs to define 'what' is the ultimate connection with creation. Additionally, it is difficult to connect the dots between your lines throughout. Essentially, there is too much abstraction and no concrete images, visual similie or metaphor to connect the reader to your spiritual experience herein. I would add some imagery to your next edit. Cheers/Chris

[Mikeodial]

Hi Mikeodial, Your opening line needs to define 'what' is the ultimate connection with creation. Additionally, it is difficult to connect the dots between your lines throughout. Essentially, there is too much abstraction and no concrete images, visual similie or metaphor to connect the reader to your spiritual experience herein. I would add some imagery to your next edit. Cheers/Chris

Good point, I sort of watered this down. The original title was The Big O which leaves no one in doubt was this is talking about. Thanks for the input. Will modify as I see more input.

[ChristopherSea]

Ha ha! Well, you could run that alternate title in the the first line:

The Big O
is the ultimate connection with creation.

[Codry]

The ultimate connection with creation.
Outpouring love energized,
words incompetently describe,
feelings before or since.
All channels open and forgotten …
our unique moment for body and soul,
electrified and infused;
overwhelmed by physical instinct and spiritual love,
drenched in sweat, blessings and grace.
I AM made.

Bathed with intention of love and commitment,
an image transforms the instant of love …
Into me.
A new being, confirming God’s eternal love,
with each breadth taken.

Capital letters from the beginning of the line. The structure is too crowded and some lines go better in other places than the ones you have chosen , spelling, the image looks disrupted it's a bucket of adjectives to what and linked to who ?. The words should dance but it looks like a bullet point list.

[Blake]

I'm not quite sure what the Big O means. Even googled it and just found anime. I think I can echo what Codry said, it does sorta feel like a bulleted list and the subject is never clearly defined, but then again its possible the whole intent of this piece is to have the reader guess what you are talking about.

[Heartafire]

This is a great love story, a romantic (tee hee) encounter I take it. It needs work, you have some good suggestions up there. I don't care for the title...I don't get the connection "embracing" creation? Anyway, good potential (my fall-back line) , I mean it though.
My best,
Heart

[Alex13]

A vivid love story. I love the rhythm and flow. Lovely

[sheepy]

Hi,
I'm not sure the line "an image transforms the instant of love" makes sense, should you perhaps say "instance of love"? Also, can words be incompetent? I know what you mean here but it just doesn't read well to me - it was distracting.
Otherwise I like the connection of body and spirit you are trying to make. It's a very big subject you're tackling and I think you could do with expanding on the story you're telling, a little less abstractly.

[billy]

A vivid love story. I love the rhythm and flow. Lovely

How was it a vivid love story what did you love about the rhythm and flow (are they different things?)

poets need a lot more posts under the belt before feedback like this counts as feedback. please leave more than a one liner. /mod

---

the opening line and the last two lines of the 1st stanza worked for me. i can grasp the reason for the sweat and spiritual love, and how the culmination of sex makes a person a person. the rest feels to convoluted. very little is tied to anything solid. one [love in any poem should be enough] this has 4 i think.

The ultimate connection with creation.
Outpouring love energized,
words incompetently describe,
feelings before or since.
All channels open and forgotten …
our unique moment for body and soul,
electrified and infused;
overwhelmed by physical instinct and spiritual love,
drenched in sweat, blessings and grace.
I AM made.

Bathed with intention of love and commitment,
an image transforms the instant of love …
Into me.
A new being, confirming God’s eternal love,
with each breadth taken.

[Erthona]

Mikeodial,

If you put "Orgasm" as the title this makes perfect sense, otherwise I have a difficult time understanding what you are are talking about.
-------------------------------------------------
"our unique moment for body and soul,"
-------------------------------------------
since you are talking about this from your perspective it seems it should be

"a unique moment for body and soul,"
-------------------------------------------
"Bathed with intention of love and commitment,"

How can one be bathed with intention?
--------------------------------------------
Seems like "I AM made." would work better as "I am reborn".
----------------------------------------------

Dale

[Alex13]

A vivid love story. I love the rhythm and flow. Lovely

How was it a vivid love story what did you love about the rhythm and flow (are they different things?)

poets need a lot more posts under the belt before feedback like this counts as feedback. please leave more than a one liner. /mod

---

the opening line and the last two lines of the 1st stanza worked for me. i can grasp the reason for the sweat and spiritual love, and how the culmination of sex makes a person a person. the rest feels to convoluted. very little is tied to anything solid. one [love in any poem should be enough] this has 4 i think.

The ultimate connection with creation.
Outpouring love energized,
words incompetently describe,
feelings before or since.
All channels open and forgotten …
our unique moment for body and soul,
electrified and infused;
overwhelmed by physical instinct and spiritual love,
drenched in sweat, blessings and grace.
I AM made.

Bathed with intention of love and commitment,
an image transforms the instant of love …
Into me.
A new being, confirming God’s eternal love,
with each breadth taken.

I apologize. I sometimes find it hard to critique someone else's work when I have so much to improve on myself. It makes me feel like a hypocrite when I have so much to learn, I'm working on it! So here it goes ...

This piece took me somewhere almost ethereal. It took me back to a reoccurring dream I used to have about an almost impossible kind of love. An inexplicable love. So in that regard I connected to its basic idea - the spiritual connection of love.
Some of the imagery could be interpreted as repetitive, personally I would love to know more about the 'physical instinct'. The predictability of the human condition in terms of loving someone else is an interesting concept. You have left me very intrigued and have given me a lot to think about.

[AngelOfFire]

I feel a bit dirty minded for getting this. Lol. I liked it that you never said it was about "the big O." Isn't that the right of the poet to make people use their minds? I don't always "get" poetry, but I think that's okay.

[NobodyNothing]

The ultimate connection with creation.
Outpouring love energized,
words incompetently describe,
feelings before or since.
All channels open and forgotten …
our unique moment for body and soul,
electrified and infused;
overwhelmed by physical instinct and spiritual love,
drenched in sweat, blessings and grace.
I AM made.

Bathed with intention of love and commitment,
an image transforms the instant of love …
Into me.
A new being, confirming God’s eternal love,
with each breadth taken.

I'm new here. I know not what to say. Hmm... The only thing I can think of now is the 7th line...

"electrified and infused;"

I wanted it to explode...

infused...ELECTRIFIED! (my caps and exclamation)

I don't know...pay no attention to me...kiss, kiss...

[clmakai]

I really like your poem and get what your trying to convey here, thanks for sharing.

[milo]

I really like your poem and get what your trying to convey here, thanks for sharing.

while this is nice, we expect more specifics in the critical forums. For example:what do you like about the poem? What do you think they are trying to convey?