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Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2013
So tried my hand at something more coherent and structured. Am yet to look into the stresses/syllable pattern as it corresponds to the Sonnet but did abide by strict syllable limit (I think) and alternating lines.
Tell me what you think.
____________________
The Caucus Race
A race of colored agents is set to run.
Three of red, two of blue and one of black,
and all attuned bolt at the sounding gun.
Ice and fire blaze across the track.
The crowd waves on from the stands above,
while the blood rabbit hops a step ahead.
The marine madly pushes with a shove
poor ole Santa Clause in his merry sled.
A tumble of troubles burdens all three
as they all fall together entangled.
The fine scarlet vixen dances with glee
but Paul Bunyan is also unmangled.
Blasting with speed to reach the bend
they brightly blur to the spectator's gaze
til a bulging huge man crosses the end.
With loud applause Paul is stunned and amazed.
In front flatly stands a shadow in black
Who says “I win” and gives Paul a big smack.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
what form were you aim for? most have a set up peculiar to themselves.
if you're going the structured route, meter is often the first thing that has to be spot on. you can get some of
the rudiments here
the poem has a politico feel about it but also feels very generic.
it also feels too much like a riddle though of course it isn't as the outcome is obvious. in truth i'm suggesting a fresh start, show us in a way we can understand it without all the padding.
(12-16-2013, 11:16 AM)Nihil Loc Wrote: So tried my hand at something more coherent and structured. Am yet to look into the stresses/syllable pattern as it corresponds to the Sonnet but did abide by strict syllable limit (I think) and alternating lines.
Tell me what you think.
____________________
The Caucus Race
A race of colored agents is set to run.
Three of red, two of blue and one of black,
and all attuned bolt at the sounding gun.
Ice and fire blaze across the track.
The crowd waves on from the stands above,
while the blood rabbit hops a step ahead.
The marine madly pushes with a shove
poor ole Santa Clause in his merry sled.
A tumble of troubles burdens all three
as they all fall together entangled.
The fine scarlet vixen dances with glee
but Paul Bunyan is also unmangled.
Blasting with speed to reach the bend
they brightly blur to the spectator's gaze
til a bulging huge man crosses the end.
With loud applause Paul is stunned and amazed.
In front flatly stands a shadow in black
Who says “I win” and gives Paul a big smack.
Posts: 15
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2013
Wasn't aiming for any complete form, just trying to fill in 10 syllables per line as an exercise with rhyme scheme.
Feels somewhat clean to me but I do see the fluff and the generic aspect.
Meter looks arduous.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
by clean, do you mean has 10 syls per line?
(12-16-2013, 11:16 AM)Nihil Loc Wrote: So tried my hand at something more coherent and structured. Am yet to look into the stresses/syllable pattern as it corresponds to the Sonnet but did abide by strict syllable limit (I think) and alternating lines.
Tell me what you think.
____________________
The Caucus Race
A race of colored agents is set to run.
Three of red, two of blue and one of black,
and all attuned bolt at the sounding gun.
Ice and fire blaze across the track. 9 syls
The crowd waves on from the stands above,9 syls
while the blood rabbit hops a step ahead.
The marine madly pushes with a shove
poor ole Santa Clause in his merry sled.
A tumble of troubles burdens all three
as they all fall together entangled.
The fine scarlet vixen dances with glee
but Paul Bunyan is also unmangled.
Blasting with speed to reach the bend8 syls
they brightly blur to the spectator's gaze
til a bulging huge man crosses the end.
With loud applause Paul is stunned and amazed.
In front flatly stands a shadow in black
Who says “I win” and gives Paul a big smack.
Posts: 15
Threads: 3
Joined: Dec 2013
You're like that professor in college who hated to hear, see and teach undergraduates.
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
seriously, i'm actually not up for this, just keep writing shit. i have no idea why you would even want to join a workshop with such an attitude. i'll ignore you in future.
