A Terza Rima Sonnet Attempt

[alatos]

Revised:
What secret sins support you as you stand,
while helpless fall in worship at your feet?
Your smile shows no fear of reprimand;
into their ears your voice drips down so sweet.
You stoop among the crowds to touch weak hands;
they would not dare to dream the thing they greet.
Are you the face of freedom in these lands?
My sons and daughter bound: you forge the chains,
and cast your inescapable commands.
But do you fuel the sun with love? Are rains
distilled above, then unleashed by your grace?
Repent! For there is more to life than gains,
and everything on Earth is not a race.
Be still, and breathe the full expanse of space.



What secret sins support you as you stand,
while helpless fall in worship at your feet?
Your smile shows no fear of reprimand;
that voice drips down into their ears so sweet.
You stoop into their midst to touch weak hands.
They would not dare to dream the thing they greet.
Are you the face of freedom in these lands?
My sons and daughter bound: you forge the chains,
and carve in stone your wishes as commands.
But do you fuel the sun with love? Are rains
distilled above, then unleashed by your grace?
Repent! For there is more to life than gains,
and everything on Earth is not a race.
Be still, and breathe the vast expanse of space.

[milo]

What secret sins support you as you stand, A
while helpless fall in worship at your feet? B
Your smile shows no fear of reprimand; A

that voice drips down into their ears so sweet. B
You stoop into their midst to touch weak hands. A
They would not dare to dream the thing they greet. B

Are you the face of freedom in these lands? A
My sons and daughter bound: you forge the chains, C
and carve in stone your wishes as commands. A

But do you fuel the sun with love? Are rains C
distilled above, then unleased by your grace? D
Repent! For there is more to life than gains, C

and everything on Earth is not a race. D
Be still, and breathe the vast expanse of space. D

A terza rima sonnet should be ABA BCB CDC DED EE I believe, you did ABA BAB ACA CDC DD

I think you mis spelled unleashed.

What falls in worship at "your" feet? "sins"?
What is helpless?

Dripping into their ears "so sweet" is actually dripping sweetly, So sweet would be an inversion and padding.

They would not dare to dream the thing they greet - what on earth does this mean in English?

I think "forge" would have to be past tense as your sons and daughters are already bound.

"carved in stone" is cliche

wishes as commands is playing off of a cliche.

For the most part I have no clear idea of what this is about. It reads like a list of statements that don't add up to a whole about someone but i can't figure out anything about the addressee at all. Some times they seem to be in charge and sometimes they seem to be a pawn.

i feel like the pronouns are working against you. It is tough to trace the "they"'s and the "you"'s as well as the narrator through the poem logically.

Thanks for posting it is a good effort.

[bena]

I kinda got that it may be about the pope, but that's because I'm so damned.

My only comment since milo has been here and pointed out all the other stuff is that L3 plagues me...I can't work the rhythm out in my mind no matter how many trochee iambs i work in there here or there. Maybe it's just me.

[alatos]

Thanks so much for your thorough reply! I've responded in the quote.

What secret sins support you as you stand, A
while helpless fall in worship at your feet? B
Your smile shows no fear of reprimand; A

that voice drips down into their ears so sweet. B

You stoop into their midst to touch weak hands. A - I didn't rhyme incorrectly. Hands and reprimand don't rhyme, but they do come close. I feel like it's a noticeable difference, but I see where you thought I tried to make them rhyme.
They would not dare to dream the thing they greet. B

Are you the face of freedom in these lands? A
My sons and daughter bound: you forge the chains, C
and carve in stone your wishes as commands. A

But do you fuel the sun with love? Are rains C
distilled above, then unleased by your grace? D
Repent! For there is more to life than gains, C

and everything on Earth is not a race. D
Be still, and breathe the vast expanse of space. D

A terza rima sonnet should be ABA BCB CDC DED EE I believe, you did ABA BAB ACA CDC DD

I think you mis spelled unleashed. - Thanks, good catch.

What falls in worship at "your" feet? "sins"?
What is helpless? - addressed below

Dripping into their ears "so sweet" is actually dripping sweetly, So sweet would be an inversion and padding. - thanks for the catch. I meant for sweet to modify 'voice,' but that is padding and I will revise that.

They would not dare to dream the thing they greet - what on earth does this mean in English? - - addressed below


I think "forge" would have to be past tense as your sons and daughters are already bound. - It is meant to stress how they chains are being constantly forged.

"carved in stone" is cliche - Yep

wishes as commands is playing off of a cliche. - Yep

For the most part I have no clear idea of what this is about. It reads like a list of statements that don't add up to a whole about someone but i can't figure out anything about the addressee at all. Some times they seem to be in charge and sometimes they seem to be a pawn.

i feel like the pronouns are working against you. It is tough to trace the "they"'s and the "you"'s as well as the narrator through the poem logically.

Thanks for posting it is a good effort.

So, to address your questions as to the meaning an whatnot:

The premise of this poem is nature or some sort of deity addressing a person caught up in greed and corruption. Specifically I was thinking of a public figure who is helping people only for publicity.

What secret sins support you as you stand,
while helpless fall in worship at your feet? - (nature questioning the man) - "Look at you, all goody two-shoes. What are you hiding? How did you really get this success?"
Your smile shows no fear of reprimand; - "You're not worried of getting called out, cause you know everyone loves you."
that voice drips down into their ears so sweet.
You stoop into their midst to touch weak hands.
They would not dare to dream the thing they greet. - "They would never guess how messed up you are."
Are you the face of freedom in these lands? "Is this kind of two-faced behavior the kind of freedom you love to talk about?"
My sons and daughter bound: you forge the chains,
and carve in stone your wishes as commands. - "Countless humans are dying, others barely alive because of corruption like yours. Whatever you want, you get."
But do you fuel the sun with love? Are rains
distilled above, then unleashed by your grace? - "But what right do you have to behave like this? Are you God?"
Repent! For there is more to life than gains,
and everything on Earth is not a race.
Be still, and breathe the vast expanse of space. (self explanatory)