Red and Blue

[Nihil Loc]

Red and Blue

Bruised Night now Burning Day
Remember Red's Birth
At that Perfect 10 Party?

Sitting down
Drinking down
Smoking down
Thinking down

That was the source of Red's beginning.
The coruscating green of plant like germ bleeding.
Skeleton neophyte of billard lawns
In the world of Cherry wooded frames.

It came like the first knock on the reverberating door of conciousness.
Who could it be? Who is within me?
Who with ample source and able arm directs itself here in the deepest core apart from me?

The party already bloomed its disseminate blown
The silent solemn drunkards yard
The congregate existent moan
Boons maybe, these statues,
Records the slowed memories of sowing.

Red was in the wall.
A suffering phantom trying to trick me in possessions.
A vapor child it prostituted a painful cripple to stir compassion,
toward a contract of bodily exchange.
"Would you give your legs to a cripple for a day out of (com)passion?"

That I may see the phantasmogorical land of divinities
What more to see?
Surely I would share, Red.
Take my body so I may take yours, and will see each others passions so.

But stupid as I was Red had nothing to give,
except a conscecration of his pain
in necro mimicry.

The dead are dead and remain so in the living.
Feeders of the feeling reserved for better times,
parasites of paradise.

He is tricky in that to damn him
I must damn myself.
He has contorted the vessel to express his non-existence.
He has fulfilled exactly what the contract required of him.
He has expressed the emptiness in life.

What the ultraviolet paradox!
That I must deceive myself by rendering deception illusive.
That I'm already on the phantom plain planning this suggestion.

I'm blue atop the mountain kingdom in the clouds,
while red wreaks havoc on the earthly grounds.
Our arrows pointed to their hearts
waiting out the moment to fire soundly
aiming Perfect 10.

Thinking up
Drinking up
Sitting up
Ignore the smoke and smile.

Red across Blue
Perspective Due
Pornography of Perfect 10

___________

I know this could be cleaned up a little but it is from many years ago, thought I'd post as is.

[Nihil Loc]

I'll trade someone feedback. You're allowed to be as critical as you want.

[justcloudy]

Hi Nihil

This is a hard piece to comment on, and in my case even just to get though, because it lacks focus. I've read it a few times now and still have no idea what it's talking about. It just feels like a lot of words strung together for fun, but without a connecting thread. Of course you probably had something in mind that you wanted to say, but it got buried along the way. That can happen sometimes when beginners get carried away trying to be over-poetical.

Also, I'm pretty well-read, but I had to use the dictionary more than once, and while there's a place for that in poetry, I'm not sure it's in a piece like this.

A few technical things to mention-- you don't need to capitalize every line, it's not necessary and it can confuse things. And why are there so many randomly capitalized words?

Anyway hopefully that's of some help. I'd say this needs a pretty major reworking. Figure out what you want to say, strip it down, and then build it back up. Remember that just because it makes sense to you, doesn't mean it makes sense to your readers. When you're only writing for yourself that's more than fine (we're all guilty of that I'm sure), but once you begin sharing/posting your poetry the focus has to shift a bit.

-justcloudy

[Nihil Loc]

Thanks,

The challenge then is to rework it to make it meaningful to other people.

"Figure out what you want to say, strip it down, and then build it back up."

Great advice. Will give it a try.

[justcloudy]

Good luck!! It's not as easy as it sounds.

My first post here was this gigantic poem I had written a few years previously that I was so proud of and attached to. It was pretty lame, but I didn't know that then. As per the suggestion of some kind people here, I took a theme from it and reworked it into a slightly less horrible poem. Haven't done anything else with it since, because there's really very little to save, but that was the beginning for me, and we all have to begin somewhere. =]

(Click on my profile and go to my threads if you care to see what I'm talking about. "Nation of Peace" and then "Historical Ethics". But don't feel obliged. Lol.)

-justcloudy