[The Futility of Lamentation]

[HalfOpenArms]

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather,
I'm stuck at home this morning
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement.

Still, they whine and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness.

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.


I took some (most) crit and I left some crit from when I posted this in Novice. I very much appreciated all of it, but some of it altered the tone and meaning of the poem too much for my liking.

Here are my primary concerns:

I'm looking for a word other than aloneness that communicates the state of being alone but is also free of connotations. For example, "solitude" has the connotation that the aloneness is self-imposed and serene.

The final stanza is giving me headaches. I'm contemplating changing it to something like the following:

It strikes me that it's much the same
to mourn.

Or,

I think my mourning
is much the same.

Very brief and to the point, but it seems to lose depth. Gahh, I don't know.

Tear it apart!

[ellajam]

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather,
I'm stuck at home this morning
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement.

Still, they whine and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness.

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.


I took some (most) crit and I left some crit from when I posted this in Novice. I very much appreciated all of it, but some of it altered the tone and meaning of the poem too much for my liking.

Here are my primary concerns:

I'm looking for a word other than aloneness that communicates the state of being alone but is also free of connotations. For example, "solitude" has the connotation that the aloneness is self-imposed and serene.

The final stanza is giving me headaches. I'm contemplating changing it to something like the following:

It strikes me that it's much the same
to mourn.

Or,

I think my mourning
is much the same.

Very brief and to the point, but it seems to lose depth. Gahh, I don't know.

Tear it apart!

I know this is a lightweight comment for serious, and I'll think on your aloneness problem, but I've read this a lot and think your final stanza works well as is. Certainly consider all crits, but please don't rush into a major change there. No need to dumb it down, "lament the absence" is a fine way to say mourning, and "never truly departed" is faceted, a good thing.

[tigrflye]

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather, -the
I'm stuck at home this morning
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement. -who are

Still, they whine and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness. lonesomeness? Loneliness? Desertion? Abandonment?

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.

I'm struck by how naive
it is to lament the absence
of those who never departed. --(edit: thinking on it more, I like"truly departed")

I took some (most) crit and I left some crit from when I posted this in Novice. I very much appreciated all of it, but some of it altered the tone and meaning of the poem too much for my liking.

Here are my primary concerns:

I'm looking for a word other than aloneness that communicates the state of being alone but is also free of connotations. For example, "solitude" has the connotation that the aloneness is self-imposed and serene.

The final stanza is giving me headaches. I'm contemplating changing it to something like the following:

It strikes me that it's much the same
to mourn.

Or,

I think my mourning
is much the same.

Very brief and to the point, but it seems to lose depth. Gahh, I don't know.

Tear it apart!

thoughts for you. I hope they are helpful. I definitely am not in favor of completely changing the final stanza to "mourn the same". It does lose depth. I really enjoyed this one. Jenn

[beaufort]

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather, leave out "the" here
I'm stuck at home this morning I would leave out "this morning"
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement. I would leave out "up"

Still, they whine and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness. I think this line is fine. If you want to change it you could change the focus from their aloneness to your absence, something like "bemoaning my imagined absence"

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.
how about:
"Perhaps I am no less naive,
in lamenting the absence
of those not truly departed." ??

Just thoughts, hope they are helpful. Best, Linda


I took some (most) crit and I left some crit from when I posted this in Novice. I very much appreciated all of it, but some of it altered the tone and meaning of the poem too much for my liking.

Here are my primary concerns:

I'm looking for a word other than aloneness that communicates the state of being alone but is also free of connotations. For example, "solitude" has the connotation that the aloneness is self-imposed and serene.

The final stanza is giving me headaches. I'm contemplating changing it to something like the following:

It strikes me that it's much the same
to mourn.

Or,

I think my mourning
is much the same.

Very brief and to the point, but it seems to lose depth. Gahh, I don't know.

Tear it apart!

[crow]

Separation?

Also, I'm with you in the final stanza. The meaning seems to be, "the dogs, not knowing that I'm actually nearby, are upset that I'm gone. Their upset causes me to reflect on my own feelings about the seeming-absence of those who also aren't actually gone.

But it's not a 1:1 metaphor. We don't know who the lamentations are for: dead loved ones or old friends who you've lost connection with or what? The idea of being naive leaves me, therefore, feeling adrift.

The rendering is also slightly awkward:

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.

Like Linda, I'd prefer "for lamenting," but I'd take it a step further. I don't think you lament an absence, I think you lament a loss, no? At least in the context of this poem. Let me try recasting the line in a silly way. As is, the line reads, "I'm no less naive to cry over the absence of milk that's still in the glass." What you'd want is, "I'm no less naive for crying over the spilling of milk that hasn't spilled."

Did that make your headache worse?

[Farkas]

Hi

I am new on this site. The poem has a very good core and message. Perhaps, fewer words and combined lines might be useful.

[Hocus_Fapus]

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather,
I'm stuck at home this morning
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement.

Still, they whine and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness.

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.


I took some (most) crit and I left some crit from when I posted this in Novice. I very much appreciated all of it, but some of it altered the tone and meaning of the poem too much for my liking.

Here are my primary concerns:

I'm looking for a word other than aloneness that communicates the state of being alone but is also free of connotations. For example, "solitude" has the connotation that the aloneness is self-imposed and serene.

The final stanza is giving me headaches. I'm contemplating changing it to something like the following:

It strikes me that it's much the same
to mourn.

Or,

I think my mourning
is much the same.

Very brief and to the point, but it seems to lose depth. Gahh, I don't know.

Tear it apart!

Yes, I believe that solitude fits better than aloneness. Although short, I really liked your poem.

[tomoffing]

Welcome half,
My thoughts are below. As this is "serious" I've listed everything that sprung to mind for your consideration. I'm in no way ripping it apart, merely suggesting.

This was a great read and an enjoyable critique.

First,
would you consider using a single dog as opposed to dogs? This would highlight the shared aloneness in my opinion.

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather, lose the, and the comma
I'm stuck at home this morning lose this morning
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement. Lose who are

Still, they whine and howl, why still? If your presence is unbeknownst what are you highlighting?
bemoaning their aloneness. They are not completely alone though, they have each other. A single dog would fix this also.
Would separation capture the enforced aloneness you're looking for? "bemoaning separation"

It strikes me that I'm no less naive.
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.

I don't like absence here, it has a temporary connotation. Perhaps reverse absence and departure, or leave would close with a subtle rhyme e.g.
It strikes I am no less naive
To lament the departure
Of those who never truly leave

I took some (most) crit and I left some crit from when I posted this in Novice. I very much appreciated all of it, but some of it altered the tone and meaning of the poem too much for my liking.

Here are my primary concerns:

I'm looking for a word other than aloneness that communicates the state of being alone but is also free of connotations. For example, "solitude" has the connotation that the aloneness is self-imposed and serene.

The final stanza is giving me headaches. I'm contemplating changing it to something like the following:

It strikes me that it's much the same
to mourn.

Or,

I think my mourning
is much the same.

Very brief and to the point, but it seems to lose depth. Gahh, I don't know.

Tear it apart!

[MissingBob]

[The Futility of Lamentation]

Due to the harsh weather,
I'm stuck at home this morning
for longer than usual,

unbeknownst to the dogs,
who are locked up in the basement.

Still, they whine and howl,
bemoaning their aloneness.

It strikes me that I'm no less naive
to lament the absence
of those who never truly departed.

I agree with m most of the already suggested contractions. What I would like to point out though, is that the narrator is rendered rather inconsiderate of the dogs in the last two stanzas, which takes away from the poem. Since, as already pointed out by others, they are not alone, they may well lament that they are locked up in the basement, which kills the similarities between the narrator and the dogs. They appear to lament for a "mature" reason, while the narrator's lamentations may well be naive. In other words would drop the "still" and the "naive" and look for another comparison.