Jazzspresso Java Joint

[Erthona]

.

Vibratory verve of the alto sax
expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs,
frenetically floating buoyed on the singing
of las lenguas de chicas bonitas,
humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line,
bounding off garden walls as ivies climb,
up the pulsing beat to the stars,
then falling out towards
diagonally parked cars
where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.
Buttering the boulevard with softening tar
as things heat up on this spicy evening
on this side of the astrally aligned TexMex point
lazes the totally hip Jazzspresso Java Joint.

—better have some bread to butter it,
if looking for a place to sit—
Here Hip-Cats and Babe-nicks are laying out daddy’s presidential green
under the ivy covered patio screen desperately hoping to see & be scene:
slamming foo-foo-fighter coffee drinks full on cat-fiend, high octane, Java bean.
Sitting next to the slow-mo, cultural show, mentally cruising on the autoless Boulevard.
Hip-Cats are trying terribly to make themselves granite hard,
but all they receive for their efforts is topical torridness’.
While…
Babe-nicks, wet, slick and lean,
looking to score some orbs from the local denizens:
These notice nectar sucking nymphs are actors at play
and they expect their coin be well spent,
if their going to make the descent
they need someone to watch, and watch some more.
The locals will do, if you can catch them while their bored,
a ready made imaginary audience in this make-believe fantasy ward.
But…… C-A-R-E-F-U-L…..Young Girls,
they just might follow where you lead,
after all if you old enough to …
a sign should read:

WARNING:

Hot, Hidden, Dark, thoughts rising
like bubbles of magma deep
within the earths womb,
coming to the surface in these
testostroneladdenyoungmen,
attending the Auspicious Academy
of Rose-colored Rarefied Air
at the Educational Edifice of the
Mega-Monolithic Mosaic
Universality University!

No need to worry though, these men are well trained,
to sit, stay, and obey, as well be well healed!
They send their dark musings back down
diving deep under ground,
deep down under downtown,
far, far, down…
into the realm of the

“h ó t-h ó t -- hottay latte”
where they will above all else:
do-no…harm.

—Erthona

[heslopian]

.

Vibratory verve of the alto sax
expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs, These two lines contain everything that's wrong with this poem: they're wordy without being expressive. "Vibratory" and "verve" are abstract words, so it means nothing to say they're expelled "coercively from asthmatic lungs". The problem, I think, is that these lines create so many questions they crush whatever image you're going for. What do you mean by "vibratory verve"? What does it have to do with the sax? Exactly what noise is being described? What's doing the coercing?
The answer to this problem, in my opinion, would be to strip the lines of quite a few words, so they read something like this:

"The alto saxophone vibrates,
a song coerced by asthmatic lungs."

Having read your lines a few times, I see what image you want to create, and it's partly my fault for not knowing quite what you meant by "alto sax", but I still think they could be improved by making them more action-driven and imagistic. At the moment they feel stilted.
frenetically floating Could a comma go here? buoyed on the singing
of las lenguas de chicas bonitas, Is this a song title? If so, should it be capitalised?
humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line,
bounding off garden walls as ivies climb, Not a bad image, but you haven't established the scene enough for it to really work. Before now we've not really had any idea where we are. Somewhere Latin/Spanish, maybe, where dancing music plays, which I guess is meant to evoke stereotypical images of loose Latin nightclubs, but it's not enough to rely on the readers' cultural associations, I think. You need to show us where we are.
up the pulsing beat to the stars, Does this make grammatical sense? It feels like it should be reading "the beat pulsing up to the stars". Something about the placing of the verb doesn't feel right.
then falling out towards
diagonally parked cars
where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road. Amusing and witty evocation of a crossroads (I think).
Buttering the boulevard with softening tar Very good, sensual image, making one think of butter on toast.
as things heat up on this spicy evening
on this side of the astrally aligned TexMex Okay, so we're in Mexico. point
lazes the totally hip Jazzspresso Java Joint.

—better have some bread to butter it,
if looking for a place to sit— Is this dialogue? If so, who's saying it, why, and to whom?
Here Hip-Cats and Babe-nicks are laying out daddy’s presidential green Very Beatnick-y, and good. I haven't heard "babe-nicks" before.
under the ivy covered A dash should come between "ivy" and "covered". patio screen desperately hoping to see & be scene: I'll assume this use of "scene" was deliberate, and thus compliment it as a subtle mickey-take of attention-seeking "scene kids".
slamming foo-foo-fighter coffee drinks full on cat-fiend, high octane, Java bean. This line descends into a word jumble, or feels like it does.
Sitting next to the slow-mo, cultural show, mentally cruising on the autoless Boulevard. I have no idea what you mean by "cultural show", and though I know what a "slow-mo" is, I don't know why it's here.
Hip-Cats are trying terribly to make themselves granite hard,
but all they receive for their efforts is topical torridness’. Why does "torridness" have an apostrophe? Are you using the word in a possessive context? If so, what does the "topical torridness" possess?
While…
Babe-nicks, wet, slick and lean,
looking to score some orbs from the local denizens:
These notice What? Is "notice" is being used as a noun? nectar sucking Should be a dash between "nectar" and "sucking". nymphs are actors at play
and they expect their coin be well spent,
if their they're going to make the descent
they need someone to watch, and watch some more.
The locals will do, if you can catch them while their they're bored,
a ready made imaginary audience in this make-believe fantasy ward.
But…… C-A-R-E-F-U-L…..Young Girls,
they just might follow where you lead,
after all if you old enough to …
a sign should read:

WARNING:

Hot, Hidden, Dark, thoughts rising
like bubbles of magma deep
within the earths "earth's", as it's a possessive. womb, Very good image, though I struggle to connect it to any previously established context.
coming to the surface in these
testostroneladden"laden" (I assume)youngmen,
attending the Auspicious Academy
of Rose-colored Rarefied Air
at the Educational Edifice of the
Mega-Monolithic Mosaic
Universality University! This many capitalised adjectives in a row just makes my eyes glaze over, sorry. It doesn't mean anything to me because it carries no images, isn't really descriptive in any comprehendible way, and feels like hip-talk without the talk.

No need to worry though, these men are well trained,
to sit, stay, and obey, as well be well healed A dash should come between "well" and "healed".!
They send their dark musings back down
diving deep under ground,
deep down under downtown,
far, far, down…
into the realm of the

“h ó t-h ó t -- hottay latte”
where they will above all else:
do-no…harm. Putting a dash between "do" and "no" makes me read those words fast, as one word, almost, which feels contrary to the effect you're going for.

—Erthona

I'm sorry, Erthona, but this poem got on my tits really quickly. It has a few good images and nice verbal gymnastics, but there's no texture that I can latch onto. I don't know where I am, why, how, or with whom. There's no setting, no sense of place, no real sense of character or culture, just a lot of wordy nothing which makes me feel dumb for not getting it, though I'm not sure that even those smarter than me (i.e. most people) would get much out of it. JMHO, naturally. Thank you for the read

[billy]

it certainlt has a hectic feel to it dale. i can see some turtle neck sweater reading this one at an open mic session. there's some great stuff in the thing but for me this is something that more suits being heard than read. the latter part has a hip hop feel to it and the rhythm changes from the fist part in a good was, as though it's another side of the jazz coin. i'm afraid no line by line as i get lost in everything that was going on.

wish i could have been more helpful

.

Vibratory verve of the alto sax
expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs,
frenetically floating buoyed on the singing
of las lenguas de chicas bonitas,
humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line,
bounding off garden walls as ivies climb,
up the pulsing beat to the stars,
then falling out towards
diagonally parked cars
where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.
Buttering the boulevard with softening tar
as things heat up on this spicy evening
on this side of the astrally aligned TexMex point
lazes the totally hip Jazzspresso Java Joint.

—better have some bread to butter it,
if looking for a place to sit—
Here Hip-Cats and Babe-nicks are laying out daddy’s presidential green
under the ivy covered patio screen desperately hoping to see & be scene:
slamming foo-foo-fighter coffee drinks full on cat-fiend, high octane, Java bean.
Sitting next to the slow-mo, cultural show, mentally cruising on the autoless Boulevard.
Hip-Cats are trying terribly to make themselves granite hard,
but all they receive for their efforts is topical torridness’.
While…
Babe-nicks, wet, slick and lean,
looking to score some orbs from the local denizens:
These notice nectar sucking nymphs are actors at play
and they expect their coin be well spent,
if their going to make the descent
they need someone to watch, and watch some more.
The locals will do, if you can catch them while their bored,
a ready made imaginary audience in this make-believe fantasy ward.
But…… C-A-R-E-F-U-L…..Young Girls,
they just might follow where you lead,
after all if you old enough to …
a sign should read:

WARNING:

Hot, Hidden, Dark, thoughts rising
like bubbles of magma deep
within the earths womb,
coming to the surface in these
testostroneladdenyoungmen,
attending the Auspicious Academy
of Rose-colored Rarefied Air
at the Educational Edifice of the
Mega-Monolithic Mosaic
Universality University!

No need to worry though, these men are well trained,
to sit, stay, and obey, as well be well healed!
They send their dark musings back down
diving deep under ground,
deep down under downtown,
far, far, down…
into the realm of the

“h ó t-h ó t -- hottay latte”
where they will above all else:
do-no…harm.

—Erthona

[Erthona]

It's Jazz man, Bossa Nova. "Vibratory verve " reeds in a wind instrument "vibrate", Verrve refers to Verve records a label associated with Bossa Nova, and Stan Getz, one of the Sax greats of the period."The Girl from Ipanema" ring a bell. "expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs" just a way I have of describing how Getz sounded when he played. He had such great breath control at times it was so soft it seemed like a wheeze.
-------------------------------------------
"buoyed on the singing
of las lenguas de chicas bonitas, Is this a song title? If so, should it be capitalised?"

"las lenguas de chicas bonitas" a way to say the singing of pretty girls, who in this case are part of the music group. As the girls are down front of the riser and the sax is up and behind, it's sound carries over the singing like a counterpoint.

--------------------------------------------------
"bounding off garden walls as ivies climb," this is just the beginning of the description of the location. It is interwoven with the description the sound of the music, and this is more fully described as we move to the people listening to the music.
---------------------------------------------------

You can't just take one line of a phrase and critique, the phrase reads:

"humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line,
bounding off garden walls as ivies climb,
up the pulsing beat to the stars,

It means using the pulse of bass line like stairs to the stars. Haven't you ever listened to music outside as it just seems to fade away instead of echoing back to you the way it does in an enclosed building?
------------------------------------------------------------
TexMex is in Texas. This is a scene from Austin Texas, you would hardly have streets called Mary and Congress in Mexico.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Is this dialogue? If so, who's saying it, why, and to whom?" Itt is the narrator as it has been throughout, making an observation.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"These notice nectar sucking nymphs are actors at play" These are girls who want people to notice them, that is why they are there, to be the center of attention. To play at being stars (debutants).
-----------------------------------------------------------------
within the earths "earth's", as it's a possessive. womb, Very good image, though I struggle to connect it to any previously established context.
coming to the surface in these
testostroneladden"laden" (I assume)youngmen,

Good catch thanks
----------------------------------------------------------------
"This many capitalised adjectives in a row just makes my eyes glaze over, sorry. It doesn't mean anything to me because it carries no images, isn't really descriptive in any comprehendible way, and feels like hip-talk without the talk."

It is describing the upscale university:

Basically imputing both what the outsiders say about the university and how the insiders describe it.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Putting a dash between "do" and "no" makes me read those words fast, as one word, almost, which feels contrary to the effect you're going for."

Yeah it was meant to slow it down.maybe just use three dots again.


Thanks for all your comments. I will think them over, obviously the poem did not convey to you what I wanted it to.



Dale

____________________________________________________________
Thanks for giving it a read Billy


Dale

[heslopian]

You can't just take one line of a phrase and critique, the phrase reads:

Yes I can, as I was critiquing it within the poem's larger context. It was a descriptive line, but without having established a setting beforehand it fell flat, for me.

It means using the pulse of bass line like stairs to the stars. Haven't you ever listened to music outside as it just seems to fade away instead of echoing back to you the way it does in an enclosed building?

How was I supposed to grasp that metaphor, as at no point you mention stairs or walking up them? Be rude about my critique all you want, Erthona, but don't expect me to be psychic, or have acces to exactly the same knowledge and sensual impressions as you.

TexMex is in Texas. This is a scene from Austin Texas, you would hardly have streets called Mary and Congress in Mexico.

I didn't know that; thanks for clarifying.

[Erthona]

No you're right I assumed to much. If you grew up where I did and knew a little about jazz and here I mean Basso Nova and Getz history, you probably would have gotten it, but that is all pretty specialized knowledge, especially the TexMex scene which would need to be lived, not read. Reading back over I think the only point of contention is the "up the pulsing beat to the stars," and the "beat" comes from the bass line, but it is implied, so I guess I need to make it more clearly.

Thanks for the critique, I didn't mean to be so pissy.

Dale

[heslopian]

ha No worries, I'm willing to admit my musical ignorance and, reading it just for its language, that "up the pulsing beat" line does read well; I just struggled to grasp its literal meaning. Thanks for helping me understand the scene and context

[Truerenigma]

Vibratory verve of the alto sax
expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs,
frenetically floating buoyed on the singing
of las lenguas de chicas bonitas,
humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line,
bounding off garden walls as ivies climb,
up the pulsing beat to the stars,
then falling out towards
diagonally parked cars
where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.

This sentence left me feeling cheated with its long stack of helper particles/adjectives, and adverbs. The syntax towards the end of the sentence seems to deteriorate as well. Is "do" the verb; is the verve doing "it" in the road? What is "it"? Or is it an incomplete sentence with Congress and Mary Street doing "it" in the road. I tend to think it's the former—because, although I have no clue what it is, I can't imagine Streets actually doing anything—if that's the case it is an extremely week and ambiguous verb for such a long sentence, and I'm left out of the loop on whatever it is the subject actually did. Simple present may be better, what you have here may be the world's longest incomplete verb clause that just stacks on a bunch of helpers, and the does nothing with them. I can't get past it to get into the rest of the poem.

[Erthona]

"Vibratory verve" a single reed instrument vibrates, "Verve" was the record label that brought the Basso Nova and other such Jazz forms to the unconscious of Americans in the fifties/sixties, also known as Californian cool. Two of the labels biggest stars was Stan Getz and Charlie Bird. So Vibratory verve refers to the sound and the culture coming out of and from the alto sax, Getz instrument. "where Congress and Mary Street" is a personification as they are two of the main streets in front of the state Congress build. They are doing it politics, business, etc, as well as a sexual reference, as sex overlays all of politics as well as the Basso Nova scene.

Thanks for your comments, you're not the first to have trouble with this.

Dale
PS Sorry, a bit rushed.

[Truerenigma]

Charlie stood in my first wedding--and they might have mentioned Getz a time or two over at Berklee--but the sentence is awful. The personification is unclear. The very long initial thought is never completed. The verb + object, IMO the most important part of an "active" sentence, is practically ignored: do you think that the fact that "do it" could be taken to mean sex makes it thoughtful and clever? I don't. To me clever would be choosing from thousands of candidates the only verb which perfectly explicates your intentions--and then, and only then, leaves room for allegory.

[Erthona]

Well "do it" is also an allusion to the Beatles "Why Don't We Do It In The Road.
Looking back over it there are some tense problems, that might help to clear it up.

So how would you write this sentence where it makes more sense to you?

I changed some things and put in parenthesis some things that might help clarify (or not)

(The)Vibratory verve of the alto sax expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs, frenetically floats buoyed on the singing of las lenguas de chicas bonitas, (the singing and the sax are) humping that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line, which bound off garden walls as ivies climb up the pulsing beat (of the bass) to the stars, then (the music) falls out towards diagonally parked cars where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.

Thanks for your help,

Dale

[Truerenigma]

Simply changing "floating" to floats does make a big difference, but you might want consider changing some of the others to stronger clauses with simple present verbs as well, thusly:


Vibratory verve of the alto sax, expelled coercively from asthmatic lungs, frenetically floats buoyed on the singing of las lenguas de chicas bonitas; humps that Brazilian Basso Nova bass line, which bounds off garden walls as ivies climb up the pulsing beat to the stars, then falls out towards diagonally parked cars where Congress and Mary Street do it in the road.

I still think this could be compressed quite a bit, but that would at least give us some action to make sense of.

[Erthona]

Ok, thanks. I'll work on it. Appreciate your help.

Dale