Gray

[trailertrash]

the only thing
that matters
in my mind,

what is neither black
nor white,

subtle layers of twilight
sandwiched between
thinly-sliced days and
thick slabs of night,

the complexion of death
or cold reminder of warmth
in a circle of stones,

double entendres
forever lost in the shadows
of indecisive erasure,

feathers I found -
what was left of an
appetite only bird meat
could cure,

the pale specter of
once-blue denim and skies
just about to cry,

indisputable evidence of
fibrous decomposition lying
undisturbed on furniture,

telltale hairs, vying
for the crown, with a
stealth that only comes
from experience.

[Speaktaboo]

Full from beginning to end. Didn't need any more. Well written. Thank you

[justcloudy]

Hey there. I'll try to keep this light since we're in newly registered.

the only thing This entire poem is one long sentence. Take a look at it and see if it works grammatically. If it doesn't, pretend it's prose for a second and punctuate accordingly. Your readers will take you more seriously.
that matters
in my mind,

what is neither black
nor white, Is there a reason these two lines are alone?

subtle layers of twilight
sandwiched between
thinly-sliced days and
thick slabs of night, I do really like this bit, interesting images!

the complexion of death
or cold reminder of warmth eh?
in a circle of stones, ...like do you mean a fire in the middle of Stonehenge?

double entendres Maybe an example would be better here. "Show, don't tell" and all that.
forever lost in the shadows
of indecisive erasure,

feathers I found -
what was left of an
appetite only bird meat
could cure, This bit is pretty clever, but I don't get what the feathers are doing here... what's the connection? They're gray?

the pale specter of
once-blue denim and skies
just about to cry, Very nice bit again.

indisputable evidence of
fibrous decomposition lying
undisturbed on furniture, What huh?

telltale hairs, vying What tale are they telling?
for the crown, with a
stealth that only comes
from experience.

Overall I think there's some original stuff in here and it'd be worth chopping away a bit. There's a lot of fluff that doesn't really connect or say much. This is definitely worth working on! Hope to see a revision!

-justcloudy

[trailertrash]

Hey there. I'll try to keep this light since we're in newly registered.

the only thing This entire poem is one long sentence. Take a look at it and see if it works grammatically. If it doesn't, pretend it's prose for a second and punctuate accordingly. Your readers will take you more seriously.
that matters
in my mind,

what is neither black
nor white, Is there a reason these two lines are alone?

subtle layers of twilight
sandwiched between
thinly-sliced days and
thick slabs of night, I do really like this bit, interesting images!

the complexion of death
or cold reminder of warmth eh?
in a circle of stones, ...like do you mean a fire in the middle of Stonehenge?

double entendres Maybe an example would be better here. "Show, don't tell" and all that.
forever lost in the shadows
of indecisive erasure,

feathers I found -
what was left of an
appetite only bird meat
could cure, This bit is pretty clever, but I don't get what the feathers are doing here... what's the connection? They're gray?

the pale specter of
once-blue denim and skies
just about to cry, Very nice bit again.

indisputable evidence of
fibrous decomposition lying
undisturbed on furniture, What huh?

telltale hairs, vying What tale are they telling?
for the crown, with a
stealth that only comes
from experience.

Overall I think there's some original stuff in here and it'd be worth chopping away a bit. There's a lot of fluff that doesn't really connect or say much. This is definitely worth working on! Hope to see a revision!

-justcloudy

Thanks for your comments/questions. (didn't feel very light, though)
Will do, on a revision.
Explanations:
- I like two liners? It's a list, basically, each piece offset.
- No, on the fire in Stonehenge. Yes, on a campfire.
- I found a pile of gray heron feathers after it had been eaten by an alligator.
- A dust pileup
-Gray hairs speak for themselves. They tell a tale of age.

This is one of my favorites, fluffy or not. Meh, being taken seriously isn't why I'm here, but we all have our reasons, don't we? Thanks again for your time. Hope your turtles are doing well :-D

---

Full from beginning to end. Didn't need any more. Well written. Thank you

Sincerely hope my prior jesting did not put you off. Glad you liked it, thanks.

[justcloudy]

The bit about the heron and the alligator is so interesting once explained-- make it more explicit in the poem! "Heron" is such a nice word and knowing that alligator teeth were gnawing on the poor thing makes it more real. Just my thought. =]

-justcloudy

---

Oh and sorry for not being light enough. I tried. ;D

[trailertrash]

The bit about the heron and the alligator is so interesting once explained-- make it more explicit in the poem! "Heron" is such a nice word and knowing that alligator teeth were gnawing on the poor thing makes it more real. Just my thought. =]

-justcloudy

---

Oh and sorry for not being light enough. I tried. ;D

No worries. Feedback is both subjective and objective and I thank you for yours. My focus was gray - naturally, its definition would be a bit ambiguous. The heron and alligator may be another poem altogether . . .