Unheard reverse edit 1. bena,keith

[tectak]

She sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.


original
Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

[ChristopherSea]

Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

I hear it and it’s quite lovely! The repeats braid well into the poem and reinforce the twirling leaves. I am not too good at instantly recognizing forms, but this one fits your theme. You don’t need that comma after ‘man’ (do you?), use it to replace the semicolon after leaves. Your second line is rather lengthy. Nonetheless, it emphasizes ‘a long held breath’ for me. The last stanza adds an adorable thrill, making it child friendly/frightening. My favorite line:

makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.

Nice Autumn nocturne within the final stanza. Watch those and’s and so’s my friend and master! You are getting a bit and-y & so-y, ha ha. You've have told me the same before. /Chris

[tectak]

Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

I hear it and it’s quite lovely! The repeats braid well into the poem and reinforce the twirling leaves. I am not too good at instantly recognizing forms, but this one fits your theme. You don’t need that comma after ‘man’ (do you?), use it to replace the semicolon after leaves. Your second line is rather lengthy. Nonetheless, it emphasizes ‘a long held breath’ for me. The last stanza adds an adorable thrill, making it child friendly/frightening. My favorite line:

makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.

Nice Autumn nocturne within the final stanza. Watch those and’s and so’s my friend and master! You are getting a bit and-y & so-y, ha ha. You've have told me the same before. /Chris

Hi chris,
Petards! Yes the comma after man otherwise it is "man fills".
The rest is perfectly valid. I tried to the point of perception to rid the piece of ands and so's but that is all I ever ask of others!
How right you are on L2 but what to do? I will tackle it.
Thank you.
Best,
tectak

[SirBrendan]

Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where The metre seems rough to me here. There seems to be insufficient stress difference in "fills space/es where"
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves To my limited understanding, following English grammar, this statement attaches itself after the comma to 'a long held breath' rather than the 'song relieves'. I take it this was not your intention. Maybe consider replacing the comma with a period in S1L8. Then you follow, 'A song of...' in S2L1'
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky, Again, for me there's a metre issue here in, 'flat sky'. This might just be an issue in accents though. 'the sky' could be an alternative
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear. I'm not certain about having an interior rhyme here. It doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem, so it seems almost out of place in such a strict rhyme scheme, for me.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

So there is a really complicated rhyme scheme going on here which interested me enough to mark it down,
a b c d d c b/ b d e f f e d/ c g h i i h g

So I'm curious if this is some form of a pre-established order. Either way, it brings the poem nicely together. Also dig that the first three opening lines of the poem became almost a thesis statement for the next stanzas, lending the words again and again.

The poem is a fantastic construction and great image-- hope my critique helped

[tectak]

Wind sings in whispered words that tell
of hissing grass and turning leaves;
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where The metre seems rough to me here. There seems to be insufficient stress difference in "fills space/es where"
her notes fall soft upon the air.
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves To my limited understanding, following English grammar, this statement attaches itself after the comma to 'a long held breath' rather than the 'song relieves'. I take it this was not your intention. Maybe consider replacing the comma with a period in S1L8. Then you follow, 'A song of...' in S2L1'
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky, Again, for me there's a metre issue here in, 'flat sky'. This might just be an issue in accents though. 'the sky' could be an alternative
no longer dance but winds defy.
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear. I'm not certain about having an interior rhyme here. It doesn't appear anywhere else in the poem, so it seems almost out of place in such a strict rhyme scheme, for me.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads
of whispered words ‘til dawning light.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

So there is a really complicated rhyme scheme going on here which interested me enough to mark it down,
a b c d d c b/ b d e f f e d/ c g h i i h g

So I'm curious if this is some form of a pre-established order. Either way, it brings the poem nicely together. Also dig that the first three opening lines of the poem became almost a thesis statement for the next stanzas, lending the words again and again.

The poem is a fantastic construction and great image-- hope my critique helped

Hi Sirb,
your comments are well received. If I can begin at the end. The rhyme scheme IS strict, as is the meter but it is a matter of emphases more easily forged if read out loud. The difficulty with this sort of thing is that I get obsessively involved in everything at once! To make life easier I worked this one on strict syllable stomping, never a professional choice, so each line is strictly an eight count. I guess I hoped the accentual variations would not be problematical...obviously I am wrong!
Regarding the indicated sense brought by the comma I disagree...I must sometimes The "from silence comes a moving moan, XXXXXXXX, of hissing grass and turning leaves that fall and fly in twisting air." The XXXXXXXX could be anything..I think that I have stubbed my toe..because the link is "moving moan...of hissing grass". Yes?
Internal rhymes happen. I don't avoid them or espouse them. Ambivalent really...but still a point well made.
Thanks for all of this. I eat everything.
Best,
tectak

[SirBrendan]

Oh shi, you're totally right. I got so focussed on those two lines I ignored the fist comma of ' a moving moan,'. I forget the formal word for it, but you're spot-on that this is the main subject of the sentence.

[bena]

Throughout you have good assonance and alliteration, and this includes the first s. but to me, it seems much weaker than the latter ones.

You are the cliché pointer-outer, I suppose I don't need to tell you about that whispering wind...

Great meter though, and I did love certain images: especially hissing grass and the double entendre of "turning" leaves. Nice rhyme scheme as well.

mel in benaville.

[Keith]

Tom sorry but I have to say the opening words reminds me of a song by it aint half hot mum with lofty singing it, I think it was called Whispering grass. Still that said, I enjoyed this a great deal. I was intrigued with how you used the repeats as a lead into subsequent stanza and thought it to be extremely effective. It is also a great poem to read out loud mostly because of the attention you give the meter and the internal rhymes (just happen? I think not)

Wind sings in whispered words that tell [b]Not sure about the use of wind, why so obvious why not she ?
of hissing grass and turning leaves; This gives her away
whilst all about the hum and drone
from hives of man, fills spaces where
her notes fall soft upon the air. I wandered off here, lost in these great lines
From silence comes a moving moan,
a long held breath that song relieves,

of hissing grass and turning leaves
that fall and fly in twisting air;
until the boughs refuse to sway
and naked, stark against flat sky,
no longer dance but winds defy. defy sounds forced and not sure you should use wind again here
So cold the blast, so short the day,
that no one ventures, no one dare.

Whilst all about the hum and drone,
persistent in the course of night,
makes fright-wide eyes in warm safe beds
and pricks the ears with city fear.
So hope to dream and you may hear
the song that sings in sleeping heads This would be the line to finish on for me
of whispered words ‘til dawning light. I would make this my third line, only a suggestion.

Tectak
Autumn 2013

Very much enjoyed as is,but hope the suggestions can help in some way. Best Keith

[tectak]

Throughout you have good assonance and alliteration, and this includes the first s. but to me, it seems much weaker than the latter ones.

You are the cliché pointer-outer, I suppose I don't need to tell you about that whispering wind...

Great meter though, and I did love certain images: especially hissing grass and the double entendre of "turning" leaves. Nice rhyme scheme as well.

mel in benaville.

Ooops! THANKS BENA AND KEITH!...
How the hell did I leave the wind word on L1!?
It should, of course, be SHE! (I changed it on my file copy when I used HER L5)
I will correct.
Best,
Tom