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Mirrory
Drop your coat. Ignore
the clouds between
us. After - the breastless
imprisoned edgeless - almost
a gift. Accept
this prism.
Any thoughts?
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Good Morning lucent. I think you could develop this more. Who/what is behind this voice? For whom is the advice? Mirrory (reflecting) seems to conflict with clouds (nearly opague) and prism (refracting). Could you link them better? What is the purpose of the hyphens? breastless and edgeless what? Where are the nouns? What is imprisoned? Some things you need to think about. Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
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Hello Christopher,
Thank you for your reading and your questions. For me, the connection between the voice in the poem and its supposed addressee relates precisely to the tension between concealment and revelation. Thus, though the speaker, asking the other to remove a barrier, tries to see him clearly, there is still a fog between them. Then there is a gift, almost, an attempt to reach through to the other through an act which seems to the limit, or edge, of understanding. Yet this seems to be characterized only in negative terms, through what we cannot sufficiently see. Hence, the concluding image of a prism, where these fragments of light and meaning spiral without forming a central image. It is thus mirror like, without being a mirror; reflecting, but also obscuring whatever the connection is between the speaker and the other. Yet I agree with your implication that the third sentence needs a more concrete subject. I had earlier experimented with the image of a window. Do you think this would help? Also, perhaps the first dash would be more effective as a semicolon?
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Yes, that may work, but I also want that semicolon after coat. You could alternatively drop 'after'. Additionally, I keep reading that 'breastless' as breathless. 'edgelessness' may negate the need to add the pane or window. Perhaps insert a tiny verb? What about:
Mirrory
Drop your coat; ignore
the clouds between
us. The breathless
imprisoned edgelessness is almost
a gift. Accept
this prism.
But do what you think is best!
Cheers/Chris
My new watercolor: 'Nightmare After Christmas'/Chris
Posts: 26
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What about something along these lines:
Drop your coat.
Ignore the window
joke, the clouds
between us. Then
the imprisonment - breastless
without edge - almost
a gift. Accept
this prism.
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It is breastless in the original....which made me laugh, because this time it wasn't just my dirty mind. The after is confusing to me...after you drop the coat? Ok you just posted something while I'm typing, is it *supposed* to be breastless? If so, I'm even more confused than before. I don't like window joke....I'm not sure what it's supposed to mean. Trust me, I like the idea of this---If someone ignores the clouds between them and someone, they can see the rainbow. But to me it needs more clarity. If your audience doesn't get what you are saying, you've lost a reader.
Keep re-writing, this is a gem in the making.
mel/bena
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Yes, bena, it should be breastless. The original impulse for this poem was a line from Sylvia Plath wherein she asks 'Has it breasts? Has it edges?'. The strangeness and delight of these questions was the original impulse of the poem. Thus I am willing to change a lot of things, but this image is rather important, even if I cannot explain what exactly I mean by it. I will let you know when I have a new draft.