Accompany, revision of Walk With Me

[Graystar]

By Graystar
Sunday, November 10. 2013

Accompany

Pain, the tour guide,
a friendly foe who calls
"Come! Walk with me
along the curving landscape
of a body aged by heat."

Stiff arthritic toes curl
in protest hotly gasping.
Pain dances as if barefoot
and carefree. Imagine!
Fickle friend indeed.

Head-fever ache of blinding pain
hangs on weeping for relief.
Fried with sun-fury calves
restlessly beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!"

Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
temptress of hope that she is.

[Todd]

Hi Graystar,

Here are some comments for you on your poem:

Maybe retitle this: "Pain is a Tour Guide" or "Pain, the Tour Guide"

By Graystar
Sunday, November 10. 2013

Accompany--make your title do more work for you

Pain, the tour guide,--If you go with that change cut the line
a friendly foe who calls--Not necessary
"Come! Walk with me--If you switch the title simply lead this line with "She says, "Come! Walk with me."
along the curving landscape
of a body aged by heat."--I like curving landscape above but instead of body aged by heat play off the curve of spine. Maybe, of a spinal road or some such, and have him do something with each vertebrae. Just thoughts

Stiff arthritic toes curl--You don't need stiff
in protest hotly gasping.
Pain dances as if barefoot--probably lead this with a While
and carefree. Imagine!
Fickle friend indeed.--It would probably work just as well if you cut these last to lines

Head-fever ache of blinding pain
hangs on weeping for relief.
Fried with sun-fury calves
restlessly beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!"--pain needs to do something to take you here with each new strophe. The us seems wrong as opposed to me. I like sun-fury calves and I think you can shorten this if you think how pain takes you to a new place and there is a flare up at the place. It's got to be one long crappy trip for the conceit to work.

Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,--I like this personification
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,--I also like glory-damned screams
temptress of hope that she is.

I like where you're going. I'd like a little more trip for my tour guide and my unwilling tourist.

Hope some of this helps.

Best,

Todd

[beaufort]

Accompany

Pain, the tour guide,
a friendly foe who calls
"Come! Walk with me
along the curving landscape
of a body aged by heat." (I don't understand the "body aged by heat" - like the curving landscape, but not sure how they relate, or if they need to)

Stiff arthritic toes curl
in protest hotly gasping. (Can't quite get toes gasping, but maybe that's just me)
Pain dances as if barefoot ( This line is interesting - like it!)
and carefree. Imagine!
Fickle friend indeed.

Head-fever ache of blinding pain
hangs on weeping for relief.
Fried with sun-fury calves (what is it that is fried?)
restlessly beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!" (The Hell part seems out of place here - and when reading aloud sounds choppy to me)

Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
temptress of hope that she is.

Please know that I am new to this and take with the (proverbial) grain of salt. I would bold - face my comments, but can't figure out how ~

[Graystar]

Revised 3rd version
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar

Pain, the Tour Guide

"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat."
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree.

Weary leg muscles protest
Pain's squeezing touch.
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin.
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.

Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers.
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!"

Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is.


Hi Beaufort! I'm new here too and do I ever empathize with you! Took me awhile to learn how to bold, copy, quote, you name it and I felt like a nutter! And then to critique someone else, oh my! I fear hurting feelings, I fear looking stupid, I fear I don't know a damn thing about poetry. Be brave! There is a learning curve here that may be endless. I hope you look over my revision. Comments are welcome. Believe me when I say yours DID help me. I follow a Toltec adage of 'Take nothing personally'. It helps. Thank you for your comments!

Hi Todd, I am so glad you pointed out the things you did! I had more fun revising and rewriting and trying again and again tonight. I hope you will look it over again. Thank you a bunch!

[ellajam]

Hi, Graystar,
I think you've done some wonderful edit work here. To me, It now reads more like Pain as a lover than a tourguide, much more captivating. Maybe a change of title is in order.

Here's a link to the site's format for posting your edits.

Here are a few notes:

Revised 3rd version
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar

Pain, the Tour Guide

"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat."
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree. I love what you've done with this

Weary leg muscles protest
Pain's squeezing touch.
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin. I'm not sure about this period
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.

Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers. comma? semicolon? I'm a punctuation dunce but this seems off
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!" not a fan of about

Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers,
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is. You could probably find something stronger than "that she is" as a final note


Hi Beaufort! I'm new here too and do I ever empathize with you! Took me awhile to learn how to bold, copy, quote, you name it and I felt like a nutter! And then to critique someone else, oh my! I fear hurting feelings, I fear looking stupid, I fear I don't know a damn thing about poetry. Be brave! There is a learning curve here that may be endless. I hope you look over my revision. Comments are welcome. Believe me when I say yours DID help me. I follow a Toltec adage of 'Take nothing personally'. It helps. Thank you for your comments!

Hi Todd, I am so glad you pointed out the things you did! I had more fun revising and rewriting and trying again and again tonight. I hope you will look it over again. Thank you a bunch!

Great job here.

[Todd]

The edit seems stronger Graystar. I'm going to continue to think about it. I want to careful that any comments I make at this point don't hinge solely on style differences that I may have from you. Your poem has a right to keep your style. The edit though is a step forward.

You may want to edit your first post and place this revision above your original so that people aren't confused as to which version they are commenting on.

Best,

Todd

[justcloudy]

I agree with Ella and Todd that this revision is definitely on the right track. Love the subject matter and the way you're dealing with it.

Revised 3rd version
Thursday, November 14. 2013, 11:54:39 PM
By Graystar

Pain, the Tour Guide

"Come! Walk with me," she calls,
"across this body aged by heat." Why not try describing the heat? Is it dry desert heat or humid tropical heat? That'd help give the reader more context I think.
Resentful toes curl in agony
but Pain dances laughing,
barefoot and carefree. Love it.

Weary leg muscles protest This is a bit boring compared to the rest imo.
Pain's squeezing touch. =]
Blind heat blazes upon
the body's rash-red skin. Maybe a dash here instead, and then semicolon after peeling? Just a thought.
Peeling, Pain beckons violently.

Weeping for relief from
fever-ache the body shivers. There's something slightly off about these two lines. It's weird to think of the body weeping instead of the person, but maybe you're going for that disconnect, not sure.
Pinched shoulders fall victim
to Pain's sun-fury. They beg
"Set us free! Hell drags us about!" Now the "us" works, well done. Maybe "Hell drags us in." instead of about?

Fickle Pain smiles and eases
her warm clinging fingers, Really like those two lines...
bound by oath to answer
glory-damned screams,
fire temptress that she is. ... but think the ending could be stronger.

Thanks for posting this, really enjoyed it!

-justcloudy

[beaufort]

I think you have done a good job with this editing. The meaning of the poem is clearer to me now, and the personification of pain is also clear. I am still having a bit of a problem with "Hell drags us about" - when I read it out loud it seems to interrupt the rest of the phrases, but that may just be how I read. I like the "resentful toes"!! I think many will identify with that!