What is this

[Nick]

What has been done to me

Why am I tied to testes
gonads
genitals

Gendered apart from half the human race

Made meat
carnate
finite

What is the use of this

No longer star stuff
solar wind
cosmic dust

Sola stanzad from the
Uni Verse

Galaxies-
gone

Dimensions-
disappeared

Timelessness-
tied to
tick tock

I have been made
Mortal

I have been made
Mad

[justcloudy]

Hi Nick.

This is ok. You have some nice thoughts.

Didn't think the testes etc did much for it.

If you make your lines a bit longer the reader will have something to chew on. This is kinda just ideas and there isn't much to say because there isn't a lot here. Try narrowing down your thoughts and then saying things instead of suggesting them.

Like I said, nice ideas, just see if you can flesh them out a bit.

-justcloudy

[SirBrendan]

I disagree whole heartedly. This is superb to me. There are however two ideas you could work with. The first regarding your closing line: 'I have been made mad". This doesn't work with the rest of the poem-- you were so close. I would swap in: I have been made, man. Far stronger words and fits with what is being said far more.

The second piece is not so much a revision, as a total overhaul. The idea and words are too good for a naked free form: melt it down and make a sword out of this bad boy. I would love love love to see a full blown poem come out of this, with metre and structure. I think a stretched free verse would be love. That's not so much a critique though, as an idea.

My critique is only the first one, and a big thank you for this read.

[billy]

if we disagree with someone elses crit/feedback or point of view, there is no need to say "i disagree with you" it will probably be evident in any feedback you give. it's also more a feedback on the critic than the poem. :J:

---

the poem in it's present format has a feel of Tourette's about it
i do like the last two snippets as they are but would like to see the thing with more meat on it's bones.
if you don't use punctuation then using the dash; -, is cheating

[SirBrendan]

Well I disagree with you especially, billy!

Nah, you're right, I should have been less aggressive in my wording; especially since my second sentence actually agreed with the heart of cloudy's statement-- so wholeheartedly might me a bit much:p

Sorry Nick for taking up some of your space with this

[justcloudy]

Different opinions are good, as a writer I love it when people disagree about my stuff. Means there's something there.

That being said I was possibly a bit brusque in my previous comment.

So Nick, keep at it. If you take the suggestions from the site and try new things out, you'll only get better at writing. I know the people here have helped me develop a lot. Crit is good. =]

-justcloudy

[Nick]

justcloudy (I read some of your work and see what you mean by fleshing things out) and SirBrendan thank you for your comments.

[beaufort]

Really like the last two stanzas - I guess I am struggling with the "message" here. Maybe part of the "fleshing" it out mentioned earlier is to make the meaning a bit more clear (or maybe I am just a little dense!!) Thanks for posting this poem - enjoyed it>

[Nick]

Really like the last two stanzas - I guess I am struggling with the "message" here. Maybe part of the "fleshing" it out mentioned earlier is to make the meaning a bit more clear (or maybe I am just a little dense!!) Thanks for posting this poem - enjoyed it>

The message is that the narrator preferred being infinite and all to becoming finite and human.

Thanks for giving it a read and putting up your reactions.