Wet Knife (Revision)

[Todd]

Revision

You mistake it for a flower,
with a thorn near the heart,
a lover's bouquet streaming
petals through your fingertips.

~~~

Original

You mistake it for a flower,
with a thorn near the heart,
a lover's bouquet streaming
through your fingertips
in silent petals.

[heslopian]

This poem reminds me of when Anne Sexton compared slit wrists to corsages blooming, except darker, because this isn't suicide, it's murder, and judging by your choice of language it's a lover's murder. As for critique, I'm not sure "silent" is needed; ending on "in petals" would be punchier, stranger and meaner, I think. JMHO. Thank you for the read

[Todd]

Thanks Jack, I like the idea of cutting silent, though it suggests a slightly different edit to me. If you get a chance you'll have to let me know if it works. The edit will be up shortly.

Much Appreciated,

Todd

[Euan]

I think this is beautiful Todd. It's simple and rather eloquent. I especially liked the sentence structure and the word play, effective! If you were to cut some unneeded words, it would add even more emphasis and leave a stronger impact. I'd have liked to have a stronger ending too.

Fair play to you man :-)

[Todd]

Thanks Euan, I'll think about the ending. What word cuts did you have in mind? I'll consider them.

I'm mostly a minimalist so I could see possibly cutting the with, and the through your fingertips (though I currently like them there of course).

Everything, as always, is on the table.

Appreciate the comments,

Todd

[Euan]

My suggestion -

Mistaken, for a flower.
Thorns near the heart,
a lover's bouquet,
streaming petals
through your fingertips.

I removed the first 'You', I think the 'Your' at the end is enough compensation there.
And I also think, as a emphasis on streaming petals, adding more of an effect it should have its own separate line. I also think this could set you up for a stronger finish.

This is just in my own humble and novice opinion, pay it whatever heed.

[Todd]

Euan,

I appreciate the clarification. I'll give it all some thought.

Best,

Todd

[Nick]

Revision

You mistake it for a flower.
A thorn near the heart.
A lover's bouquet streaming
limpid petals upon your fingers tips.

This is an interesting piece of work. I revised your revision to show my thoughts.
Yes, quite a tight little bundle of sparkle.
Thanks for posting it.

~~~

Original

You mistake it for a flower,
with a thorn near the heart,
a lover's bouquet streaming
through your fingertips
in silent petals.

[ChristopherSea]

I Love it! I would follow through further with the flower metaphor right within the opening line and make it a Boutonnière for a male victim or a corsage for a female one. Then rework bouquet into a more potent statement than just a reiteration of the flower, besides a bouquet is more than one flower. I would do something like this:

You mistake it for a corsage.
A thorn near the heart.
A lover's declaration streaming
limpid petals upon your fingers tips.

See what you think./Chris

[Todd]

Hi Nick, thanks for the comments. I appreciate your thoughts and suggestions.

Hi Chris, interesting idea with the corsage. Something I'll also give some thought too. Thank you.

[Stephanie]

This made me shiver. No comments really, I love it. I wanted more verses but then I am greedy.

[Todd]

Thank you Stephanie, I appreciate your comments. I tend to be a minimalist so I'll usually err on the side of fewer verses.

Thanks again,

Todd

[Stephanie]

Always wise to leave them wanting more!