Standing on the Moors

[heslopian]

The moors are filled with scenes like this:
an open village caught between two hills;
beyond them lush and living greens abound,
among them rocks of coarse magnificence.
Bodies were sealed in this naked ground,
a dance of ancient and sweet elegance
performed as one man with too many limbs.
But now we are not those pagans and tribes,
we are the men of discovery's light,
the moors we stand on blind to human vibes.

[jdeirmend]

Heslopian,

I had mixed feelings about this. I think there's some real potential here.

First of all: not sure if you were aspiring to a consistent meter, but it's not there.

Content wise, the first three lines set a very compelling scene for the poem. Then the third:

"among them rocks of coarse magnificence."

This is an odd adjective/adverb pair, especially when describing rocks. I don't see how coarse modifies magnificence in any significant way.

Rocks, come to think of it, could be swapped for something more descriptive. Stones, pebbles, boulders, something besides mere rocks. Give me an idea of the size of these things.

Then lines 4, 5, and 6.

"Bodies were sealed in this naked ground,
a dance of ancient and sweet elegance
performed as one man with too many limbs."

This entire sequence seems confusing. I get the idea that a perhaps ancient people were buried at the scene of the poem, but it is not clear whether your speaker means to describe a) the act of burial as a dance or b) that the people's bodies were caught up in dancing before they were buried. "As a one man" is also syntactically difficult.

From the rest of the poem, I get the sense that you were trying to describe some sort of a mythic past that's been lost. I like that. But, I think the execution is flawed. How can moors, for instance, be blind?

The dance motif comes back with "vibes" at the end. I think you might alter lines 3, 4 and 5 to try and convey the following in a more unambiguous fashion:

1) That an ancient people were present in the moors
2) That they danced in some wild and wonderful way
3) That they were buried in the ground of the moors

Hope that's helpful.

[heslopian]

Thank you very much for your in-depth analysis and critique, jdeirmaid, it's very helpful I was aiming, overall, for iambic pentameter, but I may have tortured it a touch The dancing was a funeral dance around the grave once the body had been buried.

[jdeirmend]

Thank you very much for your in-depth analysis and critique, jdeirmaid, it's very helpful I was aiming, overall, for iambic pentameter, but I may have tortured it a touch The dancing was a funeral dance around the grave once the body had been buried.

No problem. After scanning again, lines 1 and 4 are the only ones that seem to me to break with the pentameter.

[ThePinsir]

The moors are filled with scenes like this:
an open village caught between two hills;
beyond them lush and living greens abound,
among them rocks of coarse magnificence.
Bodies were sealed in this naked ground,
a dance of ancient and sweet elegance
performed as one man with too many limbs.
But now we are not those pagans and tribes,
we are the men of discovery's light,
the moors we stand on blind to human vibes.

I'm not ever sure if I'm "qualified" to give feedback in Serious Workshopping. But here goes

-the first line only has 4 feet
-line 5 has 4.5 feet. from what I understand, 5.5 feet is fine. 4.5 isn't.

[milo]

The moors are filled with scenes like this:

For me, the deliberate inefficiency and passive voice make it read like a faux-victorian opening. I would think a more natural statement would be: Scenes like this fill the moors:" Also, Using the article makes me think of The Moors.

an open village caught between two hills;
beyond them lush and living greens abound,

I can't figure a purpose for "living" here. i certainly wouldn't assume lush dead greens if you excluded it.

among them rocks of coarse magnificence.
Bodies were sealed in this naked ground,

I wouldn't normally call out the Bodies /were/ sealed if it wasn't for the tense shift. The shift forces me to think, "what happened, did you dig them up?" Also, With all of the "between, among, and beyond, where is there room for the naked ground? it feels like you filled it right up with the prepositions.

a dance of ancient and sweet elegance
performed as one man with too many limbs.

I am always skeptical when I see double modification and especially with it being double modification of an abstraction. I have to think there would be some way to express this concretely without all the modification.

I can't quite visualize a dance performed as a man. i can visualize a dance as if performed by a man, but I am assuming this is not what you mean.

But now we are not those pagans and tribes,
we are the men of discovery's light,
the moors we stand on blind to human vibes.

I don't think you need "now" or "tribes". "vibes" feels oddly alien and slang for a pastoral/spiritual poem.

Thanks for posting.

[heslopian]

Thank you for your very useful help with the meter, ThePinsir

You know, I kept wondering why "vibes" just didn't feel right, though that was the best rhyme I could forge. I think you've hit the nail on the head; it's too modern and weird for a pastoral. The "too many limbs" line is meant to indicate that the dance is being performed by a group of people in perfect harmony, as if they were one being. Thank you for your very helpful feedback, milo

[milo]

Thank you for your very useful help with the meter, ThePinsir

You know, I kept wondering why "vibes" just didn't feel right, though that was the best rhyme I could forge. I think you've hit the nail on the head; it's too modern and weird for a pastoral. The "too many limbs" line is meant to indicate that the dance is being performed by a group of people in perfect harmony, as if they were one being. Thank you for your very helpful feedback, milo

ahh . . . perhaps the confusion arose because I didn't quite pick up on who or what was doing the dancing but I see it was a multitude dancing as one, now the image makes sense.

[billy]

hi jack good effort with the meter just a couple of places you coul d edit. for me the main problem are the wordy lines.
But now we are not those
we'd normally write as

we're not pagans and tribes
but because of the meter we tend to use lots of filler. try and extend the image
we don't wear wode we're not the pagan tribes

just an example.

i like the idea behind the poem, (i love the moors) i just think you need to use more imagery instead of filler.

thanks for the read.

The moors are filled with scenes like this: would a line space enhance the pause? needs another foot.
an open village caught between two hills;can a better word than caught be used? something like sunk, or crawls (to denote movement within the village perhaps)?
beyond them lush and living greens abound, beyond the hills? if it's village then it's singular as in [it] i think.
among them rocks of coarse magnificence. feels awkward, it sounds like magnificence rocks the fields, i'm sure the wording is proper but wonder would a change of a small magnitude help, also the two [them's] on top of each other make them stand out to much; just a suggestion;
[beyond the lush and living greens abound
as one with rocks of coarse magnificence]
Bodies were sealed in this naked ground, feels a bit forced
a dance of ancient and sweet elegance
performed as one man with too many limbs.
But now we are not those pagans and tribes, feels forced, to wordy in order to fit the meter.
we are the men of discovery's light, same here
the moors we stand on blind to human vibes. vibes feels to hiphop buzzy

[heslopian]

i like the idea behind the poem, (i love the moors) i just think you need to use more imagery instead of filler.

Excellent advice. The hardest thing, I think, is to mix modern idiom with classical meter, which is why I end up sounding like a Queen Victoria wannabe Cheers for your great feedback, Bilbo