Simon in the Land of Chalk Outlines (Revision 3)

[Todd]

New revision up after Jenn's comments. Still not there, but hopefully closer to my intent.

[Truerenigma]

Revision 3

The lines would shiver as they grew;
this dark slate world sublime,
because the things I draw come true.
There was a girl I drew
with hands of silk within our mime.
The lines shivered and grew,
dropped the chalk, too soon withdrew—
no ladder left to climb,
because the things I draw come true.
I made one, she made two:
a village rose up from our grime.
The lines shivered and grew
to serve a god with worship due.
Amidst chants, the bells chime
because the things I draw come true.
On this slate, I start anew,
erase the details of my crime.
The lines would shiver when they grew,
the things I draw come true.

~~~
Edit: Still has issues fitting the 4-3-4-3 with the villanelle in a way I'm happy with, but it feels closer to my intent now.

Revision 2

The lines would shiver as they grew;
this dark slate world sublime,
because the things I draw come true.

One time, I sketched a girl I knew
with hands of silken mime.
The lines would shiver as they grew.
Passion spent, I withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb.

The things I draw come true.
I began one, then she drew two:
a people touched by grime.

The lines would shiver as they grew
prostrate now, worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime.
The things I draw come true.

So, on this slate, I start anew
erasing details of my crime.
The lines would shiver when they grew,
the things I draw come true.

~~~
Edit: I tried to smooth out the meter per milo's advice. I had to mess with the second refrain of the villanelle, and the fourth line to make it work. I'm not sure if it does.

Revision

The lines would shiver as they grew.
The sky so cold, the world sublime
the things I draw come true.
One time, I sketched a girl I knew
with hands of silken mime
The lines would shiver as they grew
a whisper of heat withdrew.
There was no ladder left to climb
the things I draw come true.
I began one, then she drew two:
a people touched by grime.
The lines would shiver as they grew
prostrate my worship due
amidst the chants, the bells that chime.
The things I draw come true.
So, on this slate, I start anew
erase the past; my crime.
The lines would shiver when they grew,
the things I draw come true.

~~~
This is a revision from an earlier thread here

I got great advice from a number of people, but owe a debt to milo to even get this far. I don't think its done yet so I'm reposting.

I must say, I'm glad to see someone here with your level of skill experimenting with form. The forms are a tool, after all, and they are not sacred.

It reminds me of a similar story as well, one of my favorites. This poem is pretty successful, in regards to what it does to the imagination, but I agree that it's not quite finished. It's not easy to take a form and make it your own, and it requires lot more work than simply learning the form.

I'll have to read it a few more times and come back to it. I just wanted to stop in and say I love what you're doing here, and thank you for posting it.

Thanks for posting it.

[milo]

Revision 3

The chalk lines shivered as they grew;
this world of slate, dark and sublime
because the things I draw come true.

There was a girl I drew
with silken hands we shared our mime.
The chalk lines shivered as they grew,

I dropped the chalk, too soon withdrew—
no ladder left to climb,
because the things I draw come true.

I made one, then she made two:
a village rose from grime.
The chalk lines shivered as they grew

to serve a god with worship due.
Amidst the chants, the bells still chime
because the things I draw come true.

On this slate, I start anew,
erase the details of my crime.
The chalk lines shivered as they grew,
the things I draw come true.

I was just fiddling around here, I didn't really feel like explaining why I didn't care for certain parts but, rather offer a couple suggestions in a fly-by edit.

Take what you will, leave the rest.

[Todd]

TrueE: I appreciate the comments and the encouragement. It helps me to keep on with this one.

Milo: I see what you did. I think I like it except I wonder if I should just move to tetrameter and be done with it. The trimeter feels choppy and less song-like to me. I also can see a few lines I may want to shift a bit if I go the tetrameter route.

Thank you both, I have more to consider.

Best,

Todd