Was it?

[Mogra]

Was it? (Edited)

Screech, skid, bang, crash, thump
Crumpled metal and shattered dreams
Screams of pain counter a voice forever silenced
Shards of glass scattered in scarlet pools

Whisps of smoke
fleeing skyward
trying in vain
to outrace the pain
of one now absent

Casts on arms and legs
Yet what can heal
a broken heart
Replace so bright a soul?

Falling tears, heartbreaking wails
thud of earth on casket
your last embrace (maybe this is better?)
not of loved ones
but
of
cold
dark
earth

And all because,
of temper unchecked
A desire to win!
Was it worth it...
Was it worth it?
Was it?

[Malu]

Was it?

Sreech, skid, bang, crash, thump Screech*
Crumpled metal and shattered dreams Clever, crumple means to crush to become wrinkled and creased, crumble means to break apart into small fragments (usually over time) both work here, but in my opinion I think that crumble would work better with the rest of this poem
Screams of pain ,a voice forever silenced a little bit off with the comma
Shards of glass scattered in scarlet pools I liked this line a lot

Whisps of smoke smoke-o-whisp haha
fleeing skyward I got two interpretations from this, freedom! or loss of life? I wanna say freedom, since that makes more sense in this poem
trying in vain
to outrace the pain
left by one now absent structure wise sounds weird to me, possibly in need of a comma

Casts on arms and legs
Yet what can heal
a broken heart I suggest replacing heart with something that alludes to that meaning and conveys a deeper message
Replace a bright soul?

Falling tears, heartbreaking wails
thud of earth on casket
lowered for one final embrace
not of loved ones Structure wise, just sounds weird to me again
but
of
cold
dark
earth
I think the above five lines can be put into one or two lines, unless you wanted this to be direct and what not, either way is completely fine, just curious as to the reason behind this

And all because,
of temper unchecked
A desire to win!
The above two lines, I know exactly what you mean, been there, many times
Was it worth it...
Was it worth it?
Was it?
Good way to end this poem

All in all I enjoyed the imagery of the first part of this poem and the depth of explanation in the second half. I just made a few comments/suggestions, hope these help! Thanks for the read. Aaaaaaaand I just realized this is not the novice poet and critique, whoops I could of sworn I clicked on that forum, well yeah....

[Mogra]

Was it?

Sreech, skid, bang, crash, thump Screech*
Crumpled metal and shattered dreams Clever, crumple means to crush to become wrinkled and creased, crumble means to break apart into small fragments (usually over time) both work here, but in my opinion I think that crumble would work better with the rest of this poemMetal doesn't really crumble, so I prefer crumple, perhaps because cars have crumple zones
Screams of pain ,a voice forever silenced a little bit off with the commaI agree , this line is tricky to get the message across
Shards of glass scattered in scarlet pools I liked this line a lot

Whisps of smoke smoke-o-whisp hahaMisspelling but I'll keep it
fleeing skyward I got two interpretations from this, freedom! or loss of life? I wanna say freedom, since that makes more sense in this poem
It can be both, chasing the ascending soul and at the same time fleeing from the pain of losing that soul
trying in vain
to outrace the pain
left by one now absent structure wise sounds weird to me, possibly in need of a comma

Casts on arms and legs
Yet what can heal
a broken heart I suggest replacing heart with something that alludes to that meaning and conveys a deeper messagecan't think of anything else for here to be honest
Replace a bright soul?

Falling tears, heartbreaking wails
thud of earth on casket
lowered for one final embrace
not of loved ones Structure wise, just sounds weird to me again
but
of
cold
dark
earth
I think the above five lines can be put into one or two lines, unless you wanted this to be direct and what not, either way is completely fine, just curious as to the reason behind thisNo I wanted it this way the 5 words on separate lines to emphasise the cold finality of it

And all because,
of temper unchecked
A desire to win!
The above two lines, I know exactly what you mean, been there, many times
Was it worth it...
Was it worth it?
Was it?
Good way to end this poem

All in all I enjoyed the imagery of the first part of this poem and the depth of explanation in the second half. I just made a few comments/suggestions, hope these help! Thanks for the read. Aaaaaaaand I just realized this is not the novice poet and critique, whoops I could of sworn I clicked on that forum, well yeah....

I appreciate the comments.
It's a poem to a friend who does not consider drink driving risky and her reasons for doing so.
I wanted to show accidents happen, the pain of loss she would leave behind and the reality of death for her and her loved one's and all for the most foolish of reasons.

Was it?

Screech, skid, bang, crash, thump
Crumpled metal and shattered dreams
Screams of pain counter a voice forever silenced
Shards of glass scattered in scarlet pools

Whisps of smoke
fleeing skyward
trying in vain
to outrace the pain
of one now absent

Casts on arms and legs
Yet what can heal
a broken heart
Replace so bright a soul?

Falling tears, heartbreaking wails
thud of earth on casket
your last embrace (maybe this is better?)
not of loved ones
but
of
cold
dark
earth

And all because,
of temper unchecked
A desire to win!
Was it worth it...
Was it worth it?
Was it?

[Malu]

I see how crumble does match, I just thought there could be scraps of metal that broke off during impact, so they both fit decently, which one is chosen is just opinion. For the smoke-o-whisp I was just making a funny (pokemon reference, that one attack, it's like will-o-whisp or something) no real critique there. And I'm glad you clarified the fleeing skyward line, it comes together more for me now with both aspects encompassed. I don't see anything wrong with keeping heart as the word, that was just a minor suggestion. The five lines each with only one word, your reason is very valid for that emphasis. Which is usually the case. Glad you appreciated the comments.

[ellajam]

HI, Mogra, welcome. Some of this is really well done, you might want to edit a little. Here are some notes.

Was it?

Sreech, skid, bang, crash, thump screech
Crumpled metal and shattered dreams
Screams of pain ,a voice forever silenced backspace the comma, though I think you could lose this line, the next one says it all so well, and it would bring shattered and scattered a bit closer together.
Shards of glass scattered in scarlet pools

Whisps of smoke
fleeing skyward
trying in vain
to outrace the pain
left by one now absent awkward last line, you could do better

Casts on arms and legs
Yet what can heal this might be better not as a question, but something that evokes that feeling
a broken heart
Replace a bright soul?

Falling tears, heartbreaking wails
thud of earth on casket
lowered for one final embrace
not of loved ones
but
of
cold
dark
earth
I loved the thud and the feeling of being lowered, I don't know that you need "not of loved ones but"

And all because, I don't think you need this line
of temper unchecked
A desire to win!
Was it worth it...
Was it worth it?
Was it?

If you changed the title to ""Was it worth it?" you could cut the last 3 lines to make the ending stronger.

Of course, just my opinion, I enjoyed the read.

[Glittercake]

I really like this poem. And I do agree with ellajam on cutting the last lines to make the ending stronger, it's just an opinion so if it holds an portrayed significance keep it how you like. Thanks for the read

[Mogra]

Thank you all for the comments. As I said above this poem is personal so some of the elements have a specific meaning.
@ellajam:
I've edited it for some changes.

Re:not of.. I use that as a reminder and a caution to emphasise that people care for her. To remind her that her loss would have meaning to others.
And all because This line is necessary as it's the whole reason for the "tale".
The last 3 lines again are for emphasis but maybe would work better if the last part was divided into two parts of 3 lines, maybe?

[ellajam]

Screams of pain counter a voice forever silenced

Good edit, it really clarified this line for me.

You can read here for the site's advice on how to edit without losing the original.

It's great to see you working on this.