You've lied

[Jeffrey Gibson]

You all have lied.
Time doesn’t turn the tide against her pressing memory.
The passing moments fill me up with dust.
The hours dull me with their striking hands.
The way she brimmed my rooms
will fade you say?
More lies.
In the whisper of the rain
in the stirring light of May
in the hallway,
on the stair,
she rises up,
she’s there,
abiding still.

[Todd]

Hi Jeffrey, here are some comments for you.

You all have lied.--I see that this essentially deviates from the title by adding the word all. I don't know if that adds enough to make the first line interesting enough after we've just read the title. I see what it adds (addressing a group), but I'm not sure if that is enough. I think it may be a good idea to cut the line and let the title do the work.
Time doesn’t turn the tide against her pressing memory.--Your general content is good. What I don't like here is the phrase "turn the tide". It's cliched and you can do much better than that.
The passing moments fill me up with dust.--I really like this image.
The hours dull me with their striking hands.--This is also very nice. The dual meaning of striking gives the sense of being bludgeoned. This might be a good alternative for an opening line if you could incorporate the idea of "her pressing memory" into it.
The way she brimmed my rooms--Brimmed is a nice word choice.
will fade you say?
More lies.
In the whisper of the rain
in the stirring light of May
in the hallway,
on the stair,
she rises up,
she’s there,
abiding still.--The rush to the end is very nice. It makes me wonder if you would benefit from shorter line lengths throughout (more speculation than suggestion).

Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

[Jeffrey Gibson]

Enjoyed the read.

Best,

Todd

Thank you. The opening line is an allusion (and an homage) to a piece by Edna St Vincent Milay which inspired what I wrote. So probably best if I change the title rather than the first line.

Jeffrey

[Todd]

Dan, we don't do vindictive critiques here. That said, if you truly don't like a poem you need to say why. I would ask you to not stoop to this level, and use the workshop in the manner it's intended to be used. Thanks, Todd/admin

[tigrflye]

You all have lied.
Time doesn’t turn the tide against her pressing memory.
The passing moments fill me up with dust. I wish I had written this line. Love it
The hours dull me with their striking hands.
The way she brimmed my rooms
will fade you say?
More lies.
In the whisper of the rainis whisper of the rain cliche? I'm unsure but I think its a song and I've heard it before. Perhaps something stronger here.
in the stirring light of May
in the hallway,
on the stair,
she rises up,
she’s there,
abiding still.

I love this. I know this feeling. Everywhere you turn, there they are. And if the memories do fade.. they fade so painfully slow. Thank you for writing this.

[Malu]

You all have lied.
Time doesn’t turn the tide against her pressing memory. Turn the tide is a bit cliche
The passing moments fill me up with dust. Good imagery
The hours dull me with their striking hands. Clever, I enjoyed.
Do all four first lines need to end with periods?
The way she brimmed my rooms
will fade you say? Capitalize Will?
More lies.
In the whisper of the rain
Why do the following six lines all begin with lowercase?
in the stirring light of May
in the hallway,
on the stair,
she rises up,
she’s there,
abiding still.
the above three lines sound a bit contradicting, rises up only to still abide, that must have a deeper meaning, really conveyed something here, makes you think a little bit more doesn't it

I'm confused about the capitalizations and some of the grammar. I've just made a few comments/suggestions, do with them as you please. I hope it helps