The Men of my Family

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Three red ribbons flapping from my window:
father taped them so woodpeckers stay clear
of our aged, voluptuous plywood.
Woodpeckers are only here because a beloved bough
off the family tree cracked in two;
a minor devastation of Hurricane Sandy.
In fact, possibly a net benefit:
the peckers made a nest in that tree's cavernous arm.

Grandfather alive was just as clever.
Gangs of marauding Brooklyn pigeons were kept at bay
with a swarm of metallic spikes on the balcony:
no avian shits round those parts no more.
After he died, we found lists of numbers in a drawer:
theorizing the lottery.

What legacy will I leave for my descendants when I have them?
How will those unborn look up and say
“Father loved breathing the attic,
his sidekick a dapper gray parrot called Alex
that never quite mastered arithmetic.
How we loved him.”

[tigrflye]

This is a nice little story. I read it more like a story than a poem. "Father loved breathing the attic" was my favorite line. I would have liked more on that. I wonder what it smelled like to him (you).
Also, I'm sorry... Though I might look grown up, when I read the word "peckers" by itself... I don't picture birds, and I giggle like a pre-teen.
"No avian shits round those parts no more".. is this something grandfather would say? If so, it would make better sense to me if it had quotations. If this isn't grandfather's quote, then I don't like "no more". I took on a different voice when reading it.

[ellajam]

Hi, P&P, I'm a novice critic, but here are a few notes:

Three red ribbons flapping from my window: vivid image, period instead of colon?
father taped them so woodpeckers stay clear
of our aged, voluptuous plywood. I don't get voluptuous here
Woodpeckers are only here because a beloved bough
off the family tree cracked in two; it might sound better to cut woodpeckers...because
a minor devastation of Hurricane Sandy.
In fact, possibly a net benefit: An image would be better than telling this
the peckers made a nest in that tree's cavernous arm. nice image

Grandfather alive was just as clever. dead is implied by was
Gangs of marauding Brooklyn pigeons were kept at bay
with a swarm of metallic spikes on the balcony:
no avian shits round those parts no more.
After he died, we found lists of numbers in a drawer:
theorizing the lottery.

I really like the above segment, though I probably wouldn't miss the avian shits line

What legacy will I leave for my descendants when I have them? this line unnecessary
How will those unborn look up and say
“Father loved breathing the attic,
his sidekick a dapper gray parrot called Alex
that never quite mastered arithmetic.
How we loved him.”. I'd like a stronger last line

Just some thoughts, thanks for the read.

[bena]

This is a drive by crit, so not very detailed, please forgive; I have time constraints.

Three red ribbons flapping from my window:
father taped them so woodpeckers stay clear
of our aged, voluptuous plywood.
Woodpeckers are only here because a beloved bough
off the family tree cracked in two;
a minor devastation of Hurricane Sandy.
In fact, possibly a net benefit:
the peckers made a nest in that tree's cavernous arm.

Grandfather alive was just as clever.
Gangs of marauding Brooklyn pigeons were kept at bay
with a swarm of metallic spikes on the balcony:
no avian shits round those parts no more.
After he died, we found lists of numbers in a drawer:
theorizing the lottery.

What legacy will I leave for my descendants when I have them?
How will those unborn look up and say
“Father loved breathing the attic,
his sidekick a dapper gray parrot called Alex
that never quite mastered arithmetic.
How we loved him.”

I LOVE the bird metaphor carried throughout. This is good writing, just minor nits from me that you can adapt or toss in the trash.
I don't usually assume the N. is the author, but this feels very real, and that's the charm about it.


keep it up

bena

[PoetryAndPhysics]

Thanks all for the crits, greatly appreciated. I completely missed the double reference with "peckers". It's only shortened because I have woodpeckers three times: most likely I should just nix one of them. Same goes for the myriad of colons and semicolons. I liked the vernacular line as a sort of western "he don't come round these parts no more", but if it's distracting I'll think of replacing it or using quotes.

[bena]

Thanks all for the crits, greatly appreciated. I completely missed the double reference with "peckers". It's only shortened because I have woodpeckers three times: most likely I should just nix one of them. Same goes for the myriad of colons and semicolons. I liked the vernacular line as a sort of western "he don't come round these parts no more", but if it's distracting I'll think of replacing it or using quotes.

It's only distracting because it comes out of nowhere---there's no other vernacular in the poem. I think quotes would solve the problem excellently!

bena

[Erthona]

"How we loved him" Who, the parrot?


Dale

[tectak]

Hi pandp,
Something to go at here. Nice little vignette...but the language is mixed. You keep coming through then fading out again. Veracity is suspect...not that that matters in truth, but it does in the telling. Examples in line by line. Here goes. Hope it helps.

Three red ribbons flapping from my window:Imperatively present but that's fine. Next line is chronologically past but explanatory so L1 loses its advantage. "Three red ribbons flap from my window;" Note the semi colon to avoid isolation of L2 by pause. The link needs to be defined.
father taped them so woodpeckers stay clear
of our aged, voluptuous plywood....not sure that "so" by itself is the right word. Surely it is a fright-warn. Better " father taped them so THAT woodpeckers stay away from our aged, voluptuous(huh) plywood" By using "stay clear" you are implying that the plywood is dangerous to woodpeckers...voluptuous or not. Don't get it; "voluptuous" implies solid, fat, rounded oak pillars, lintels et al. Plywood?
Woodpeckers are only here because a beloved boughOnly isn't needed. On the veracity issue, you have already said that they quite like plywood if it wasn't for those advisory ribbons
off the family tree cracked in two;off or of? If off, then you loose a little of the double entendre inherent in "family tree"
a minor devastation of Hurricane Sandy. I hear your deadpan cool-dude attitude coming through...but is it your character?
In fact, possibly a net benefit: I could argue again for the semi colon but I can just detect a pensive pause here. Yes. Colon. I agree.
the peckers made a nest in that tree's cavernous arm. I don't like the "that" word when you have so definitively described the reference object. "The tree's cavernous arm..." just seems more fitting. Ho hum.

Grandfather alive was just as clever.Clever as a pecker...I don't think you mean that.Mind you, how clever was he when dead?
Gangs of marauding Brooklyn pigeons were kept at bay
with a swarm of metallic spikes on the balcony:Now you are having colonic discharge. Something you ate? "swarm" is not as precise as say, " with an army of metallic spikes".
no avian shits round those parts no more. This does not ring true...unless it is true; but if it is true then the rest of the poem seems false.
After he died, we found lists of numbers in a drawer: Please, get another punctuation mark. I cannot argue in it's defence here.
theorizing the lottery.

What legacy will I leave for my descendants when I have them? Well, nothing if you don't have them so why mention it
How will those unborn look up and sayThey won't. They are unborn. Mixed up here. How will those as yet unborn.. Still bad. Your poem.
“Father loved breathing the attic,
his sidekick a dapper gray parrot called Alex
that never quite mastered arithmetic.
How we loved him.”The last four lines are better than all the previous but gramatically the narrative is all over the place. Psittacosis in the confines of attic would be a danger...glad you all loved that old dyscalculic parrot.

Not much wrong with this pandp but it lapses early on into precipitous prose. Nowt' wrong with that but poetry it ain't and you cannot make it so by peppering punctuation about the place like bird-shot. If I were you, and I am not so you can ignore the comment, I would try to bang in some poetic devices. You know the sort of things, meter or rhythm, debatably (because it takes effort) rhyme...oh, and I would have liked a binding metaphor somewhere. As it is, I'm not sure whether we are talking parrots, plywood or paternity. If you want the ultimate cruel crit...frankly I don't care....but I still didn't hate it.
Best,
tectak

[PoetryAndPhysics]

bena- yep, I think quotes are a good option here, will put them in if that line stays in a future re-write.

dale- I noticed that line was "dangling" in an edit, but liked the ambiguity (originally I was indeed referencing the narrator).

tectak- helps quite alot actually, will reference when the time comes (presumably it will) to re-write this.

p&p