Crabapple

[ChristopherSea]

Final version

Crabapple


Fresh water purged your xylem
all through an ardent youth,
from a sun-washed canopy
to subterranean roots.

Your phloem coursed with glucose
when times were nutrient rich,
but these fluids have gone foul;
your bark is stained by pitch.

Your verdant crown has withered,
its lofty haven breached.
Forsaken are those loved ones
beyond your branch’s reach.

Limbs are bowing heavily;
your swollen trunk is heaving.
Verve drifts from languid shoots,
with each leaf deceiving.

Records in annual rings
portray an ocher past,
but stagnant sap has thickened
behind a shifting mask.

Your resin’s turning amber,
as you yield to stony sloth.
The sky is painted umber
beneath your soiled cloth.

With no more comforting shade
to offer anyone,
why does your vague outline
cast a shadow on my sun?

bena/svanhoeven edit 2/version 2.2 One more tweak, Thank you!



-----------------------------------------------------
bena/svanhoeven edit 2/version 2.1 Thank you!

Fresh water purged your xylem
all through an ardent youth,
from a sun-washed canopy
to subterranean roots.

Your phloem coursed with glucose
when times were nutrient rich,
but these fluids have gone foul;
your bark is staining pitch.

Your verdant crown has withered,
its lofty haven breached.
Forsaken are those loved ones
beyond your branch’s reach.

Limbs are bowing heavily;
your swollen trunk’s heaving.
Verve drifts from languid shoots,
with each leaf deceiving.

Records in annual rings
portray an ocher past,
but stagnant sap has thickened
behind a shifting mask.

Your resin’s turning amber,
as you yield to stony sloth.
The sky is painted umber
beneath your soiled cloth.

With no more comforting shade
to offer anyone,
why does your vague outline
cast a shadow on my sun?
----------------------------------
bena/svanhoeven edit 2/version 2.1

Fresh water purged your xylem
all through an ardent youth,
from a sun-washed canopy
to subterranean roots.

Your phloem coursed with glucose
when times were nutrient rich,
but these fluids have gone foul;
your bark is stained by pitch.

Your verdant crown has withered,
its lofty haven breached.
Forsaken are those loved ones
beyond your branch’s reach.

Limbs are bowing heavily;
your swollen trunk is heaving.
Verve drifts from languid shoots,
with each leaf deceiving.

Records in annual rings
portray an ocher past,
but stagnant sap has thickened
behind a shifting mask.

Your resin’s turning amber,
as you yield to stony sloth.
The sky is painted umber
beneath your soiled cloth.

With no more comforting shade
to offer anyone,
why does your vague outline
cast a shadow on my sun?

bena/svanhoeven edit 2/version 2.2 One more tweak, Thank you!

------------------------------
Fresh water purged your xylem
all through an ardent youth,
from a sun-washed canopy
to subterranean roots.

Your phloem coursed with glucose
when times were nutrient rich,
but these fluids have gone foul;
your bark is staining pitch.

Your verdant crown has withered,
its lofty haven breached.
Forsaken are those loved ones
beyond your branch’s reach.

Limbs are bowing heavily;
your swollen trunk’s heaving.
Verve drifts from languid shoots,
with each leaf deceiving.

Records in annual rings
portray an ocher past,
but stagnant sap has thickened
behind a shifting mask.

Your resin’s turning amber,
as you yield to stony sloth.
The sky is painted umber
beneath your soiled cloth.

With no more comforting shade
to offer anyone,
why does your vague outline
cast a shadow on my sun?

[bena]

I really enjoyed this piece, and I love science-y words like phloem and xylem (although I've been told I use them too much..damn the haters!)

I think what this piece displays really well is assonance and at times alliteration....but I got lost in the meter in the forth stanza, and that's a shame, because it was perfect up until then. Maybe it's just me, I'm not great with the iamb. If you're meaning for the "heavily" to be trochee, then I think you actually need the is in "trunk is heaving" to make it work out better, but then what do I know, really. I fail at metered rhyme. But I do love this =)

[ChristopherSea]

I really enjoyed this piece, and I love science-y words like phloem and xylem (although I've been told I use them too much..damn the haters!)

I think what this piece displays really well is assonance and at times alliteration....but I got lost in the meter in the forth stanza, and that's a shame, because it was perfect up until then. Maybe it's just me, I'm not great with the iamb. If you're meaning for the "heavily" to be trochee, then I think you actually need the is in "trunk is heaving" to make it work out better, but then what do I know, really. I fail at metered rhyme. But I do love this =)

Thank you bena! I am a scientist, so I dig those terms too. And No, it's not just you; I failed meter class as well. Didn't we cut class together once? Touché on that trochee, as I had trouble with that 4th stanza, both in meter and the ing rhymes. In fact, I vacillated between trunk is and trunks. I shall review it again. Thanks so much for your read and recommendation!

[ChristopherSea]

I really enjoyed this piece, and I love science-y words like phloem and xylem (although I've been told I use them too much..damn the haters!)

I think what this piece displays really well is assonance and at times alliteration....but I got lost in the meter in the forth stanza, and that's a shame, because it was perfect up until then. Maybe it's just me, I'm not great with the iamb. If you're meaning for the "heavily" to be trochee, then I think you actually need the is in "trunk is heaving" to make it work out better, but then what do I know, really. I fail at metered rhyme. But I do love this =)

Thank you bena! I am a scientist, so I dig those terms too. And No, it's not just you; I failed meter class as well. Didn't we cut class together once? Touché on that trochee, as I had trouble with that 4th stanza, both in meter and the ing rhymes. In fact, I vacillated between trunk is and trunks. I shall review it again. Thanks so much for your read and recommendation!

That stanza does read better now, thanks! Cheers/Chris

[svanhoeven]

I really like the atypical subject matter. In-line opinions on meter are below, since the other comments discuss it, though I am by no means an expert on meter:

Fresh water purged your xylem
OK, iambic trimeter with a feminine ending.
all through an ardent youth,
Still iambic trimeter.
from a sun-washed canopy
The first foot is an anapest. da da DUM. "from a SUN-washed..."
to subterranean roots.
The last foot is technically an anapest, i.e. "SUB /ter /RA /ne-an /ROOTS, but the reader can convert "ne-an" into one syllable pretty easily, so OK.

Your phloem coursed with glucose
when times were nutrient rich,
"Nutrient" informally OK as "subterranean" above.
but these fluids have gone foul;
Again, first foot is an anapest.
your bark is staining pitch.
"staining pitch"- Do you mean "stained by pitch", or "pitch that stains"? Ambiguous.

Your verdant crown has withered,
OK feminine ending.
its lofty haven breached.
Forsaken are those loved ones
OK feminine ending.
beyond your branch’s reach.

Limbs are bowing heavily;
It seems to me this line is trochaic with an extra syllable.
your swollen trunk is heaving.
OK feminine ending.
Verve drifts from languid shoots,
with each leaf deceiving.
Three feet, but the last two are trochaic.

Records in annual rings
One trochee and two iambs, as long as "annual" is read as two syllables. Could be a regional thing, but I read it as three syllables.
portray an ocher past,
but stagnant sap has thickened
OK feminine ending.
behind a shifting mask.

Your resin’s turning amber,
OK feminine ending.
as you yield to stony sloth.
First foot is an anapest.
The sky is painted umber
OK feminine ending.
beneath your soiled cloth.

With no more comforting shade
Last foot is anapestic.
to offer anyone,
why does your vague outline
Last foot is a trochee. I think in the first or second foot a single trochee would be OK, but not in the last foot.
cast a shadow on my sun?
I don't think the initial stressed syllable works. I see why you did it since you were trying to alternate stresses with "outline" in the previous line, but it didn't work for me.

[ChristopherSea]

I really like the atypical subject matter. In-line opinions on meter are below, since the other comments discuss it, though I am by no means an expert on meter:

Fresh water purged your xylem
OK, iambic trimeter with a feminine ending.
all through an ardent youth,
Still iambic trimeter.
from a sun-washed canopy
The first foot is an anapest. da da DUM. "from a SUN-washed..."
to subterranean roots.
The last foot is technically an anapest, i.e. "SUB /ter /RA /ne-an /ROOTS, but the reader can convert "ne-an" into one syllable pretty easily, so OK.

Your phloem coursed with glucose
when times were nutrient rich,
"Nutrient" informally OK as "subterranean" above.
but these fluids have gone foul;
Again, first foot is an anapest.
your bark is staining pitch.
"staining pitch"- Do you mean "stained by pitch", or "pitch that stains"? Ambiguous.

Your verdant crown has withered,
OK feminine ending.
its lofty haven breached.
Forsaken are those loved ones
OK feminine ending.
beyond your branch’s reach.

Limbs are bowing heavily;
It seems to me this line is trochaic with an extra syllable.
your swollen trunk is heaving.
OK feminine ending.
Verve drifts from languid shoots,
with each leaf deceiving.
Three feet, but the last two are trochaic.

Records in annual rings
One trochee and two iambs, as long as "annual" is read as two syllables. Could be a regional thing, but I read it as three syllables.
portray an ocher past,
but stagnant sap has thickened
OK feminine ending.
behind a shifting mask.

Your resin’s turning amber,
OK feminine ending.
as you yield to stony sloth.
First foot is an anapest.
The sky is painted umber
OK feminine ending.
beneath your soiled cloth.

With no more comforting shade
Last foot is anapestic.
to offer anyone,
why does your vague outline
Last foot is a trochee. I think in the first or second foot a single trochee would be OK, but not in the last foot.
cast a shadow on my sun?
I don't think the initial stressed syllable works. I see why you did it since you were trying to alternate stresses with "outline" in the previous line, but it didn't work for me.

Much obliged for this detailed analysis on the meter of this poem. Compared to me, you are an expert indeed, as I go only by sound alone! 'Bark is stained by pitch' is the meaning and would work for me so I'll change it. I will try to look at that last stanza since it did not work for you. I guess that I focussed on what I wanted to conclude with in meaning and not whether it flowed with the meter of the remainder of the poem. Maybe I can reword it. Thanks so much for your astute observations and personal impressions svanhoeven! I have credited you on the current edit. Cheers/Chris

[ChristopherSea]

PS: I'm still looking at that last couplet

[svanhoeven]

Would you consider re-writing in ballad meter? In some places the poem sounds like an incomplete ballad meter, rather than trimeter with extra syllables.

[ChristopherSea]

Would you consider re-writing in ballad meter? In some places the poem sounds like an incomplete ballad meter, rather than trimeter with extra syllables.

You are probably right Svan, but any strict meter is beyond my reach and attention span I'm afraid. One day, I my take on that challange in the mentoring forum.

[ChristopherSea]

I think this may well be the final version, although I was looking for a descriptor to place before 'bark' to even out meter and extend the miserable/aging tree metaphor. However, I could only think of 'rough bark' or 'jaded bark', which don't work well.