Days to Years

[Maya Kicks Lemons]

Some people
Never find the right kind of love
you know, the kind that steals
your breath away.
Like diving into a snowmelt.
The kind that jolts your heart,
sets it beating apace.
An anxious hiccuping of hummingbirds wings.
The kind that makes every terrible minute apart feel like hours.
Days.
Years.
Some people flit from one insane possibility to the next.
Never experincing the connection of two people.
rocked by destiny.
Never knowing what it means to love someone else,
more than themselves.
More than life itself, or the promise of something better.
Beyond this world,
More even (forgive me!) than god.
Lucky me, I found the right kind of love.
With the wrong person.

[heslopian]

Some people
Never find the right kind of love
you know, the kind that steals
your breath away.
Like diving into a snowmelt.
The kind that jolts your heart,
sets it beating apace.
An anxious hiccuping of hummingbirds wings. "Hummingbirds" in this context needs an apostrophe.
The kind that makes every terrible minute apart feel like hours.
Days.
Years.
Some people flit from one insane possibility to the next.
Never experincing the connection of two people.
rocked by destiny.
Never knowing what it means to love someone else,
more than themselves.
More than life itself, or the promise of something better.
Beyond this world,
More even (forgive me!) than god. Should the first letter of this line be in lower case?
Lucky me, I found the right kind of love.
With the wrong person. This is an excellent close. Just as I was beginning to resent the narrator's chirpy, somewhat judgemental expression of what love is this line unsettles everything I previously thought.

The poem could do with a few more images and other devices to make it a bit more vivid, but otherwise it's a neat, crisp piece with, as I've said, a truly dynamite end. Critique is JMHO. Thank you for the read

[samanthaschwandt]

I like to think the end is not sarcasm, but that you are truly happy to know that feeling such a raw emotion is an amazing conquest despite it being one sided. I like your descriptions of the feeling, a contrast of the pain and wanting more.

[Nick]

Some people
Never find the right kind of love
you know, the kind that steals
your breath away. This is a cliche.
Like diving into a snowmelt.
The kind that jolts your heart,
sets it beating apace.
An anxious hiccuping of hummingbirds wings.They sound like a buzz, not a hiccup.
The kind that makes every terrible minute apart feel like hours.Cliche.
Days.
Years.
Some people flit from one insane possibility to the next.
Never experincing the connection of two people.
rocked by destiny.
Never knowing what it means to love someone else,
more than themselves.Cliche.
More than life itself, or the promise of something better.
Beyond this world,
More even (forgive me!) than god.
Lucky me, I found the right kind of love.
With the wrong person.

You can draw a reader into your work via original devices. Cliche supported compositions are like VHS tapes. They work but who really wants to deal with them?

So keep at it.

[tigrflye]

I enjoyed the poem. I agree some of the cliche-ish lines could be made more original. I like the line about diving into a snowmelt. I had not heard it before so I paused to imagine what that would feel like.

[Maya Kicks Lemons]

Thanks so much. You're critique is really appreciated. ^-^

[billy]

you have some decent parts in the poem and some not so decent parts that kinda brings the poem down too much. i'm sure the minute hour day months lines could be better revamped. as well as the weak opening line.
it's definitely worth an edit or two

thanks for the read.

Some people weak first line, this should be one if not thee strongest line in the poem
Never find the right kind of love
you know, the kind that steals
your breath away.
Like diving into a snowmelt.
The kind that jolts your heart,
sets it beating apace.
An anxious hiccuping of hummingbirds wings. i like the wing beat's use in slowing down time (hummingbird's)
The kind that makes every terrible minute apart feel like hours.
Days.
Years.these two lines feel weak
Some people flit from one insane possibility to the next.
Never experincing the connection of two people. experiencing
rocked by destiny. by what destiny, is this line needed? it's sort of messes up the strength of the line above and below, it's also redundant
Never knowing what it means to love someone else, [or what it....]
more than themselves. cliche
More than life itself, or the promise of something better. big cliche
Beyond this world,
More even (forgive me!) than god. the [even (forgive me)] isn't needed
Lucky me, I found the right kind of love. i like the irony of the last two line though i suspect irony isn't the right word
With the wrong person.