Depths
Death is my greatest fear,
Next to rejection from my peers.
I ingest my drug through my lungs,
My life passes by in black smoke.
Daily talk is just people speaking in tongues.
I'm so lonely I could choke,
My personality has submerged.
I'm being sucked down the black so deep,
I tried to breathe, I couldn't see, I urged,
I have no friends. I'm just a creep,
I imagine others like sheep.
Life is my greatest fear.
Critique it. Rate it. 1-10.
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09-17-2013, 12:28 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-17-2013, 12:34 PM by billy.)
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the rhymes need working on
no need to centre align
look out for clichés
Posts: 104
Threads: 14
Joined: Sep 2013
(09-17-2013, 09:44 AM)TheNovice Wrote: Depths
Death is my greatest fear,
Next to rejection from my peers.
I ingest my drug through my lungs,
My life passes by in black smoke.
Daily talk is just people speaking in tongues.
I'm so lonely I could choke,
My personality has submerged.
I'm being sucked down the black so deep,
I tried to breathe, I couldn't see, I urged,
I have no friends. I'm just a creep,
I imagine others like sheep.
Life is my greatest fear.
Critique it. Rate it. 1-10.
Not really sure how this would benefit since I am a novice as well, but I would give it a 6 with 10 being the best, just so we're on the same page haha. I think the first two lines could use some more visual details and then for the third to last and second to last lines, I can see where you are going with being a creep only seeing people as sheep, being the wolf just creeping on them, but then what about after, are you going to attack them? It would be kind of ironic if life is your greatest fear, but you are the wolf ending the lives of several sheep. So I'm just confused on that part and where you drew the line in that sense. But then again that's just me, hope this helps in any way!
GraceVictoria
Unregistered
I would use more visual words, it seems a little bland. Try creating more emotion into it, really express how your fear is. How it's making you feel
Posts: 259
Threads: 45
Joined: Jul 2011
The rhythm is off and the rhyme is stale. Humans divided into wolves and sheep is cliche. There is no explanation of why or depth, just some statements strung together. The juxtaposition of the first and final lines could be worked in to an interesting poem.
PS. If you can, try your hand at giving some of the others a bit of feedback. If you already have, thanks, can you do some more?
Death is my greatest fear,
Next to rejection from my peers.
I ingest my drug through my lungs,
My life passes by in black smoke.
Daily talk is just people speaking in tongues.
I'm so lonely I could choke,
My personality has submerged.
I'm being sucked down the black so deep,
I tried to breathe, I couldn't see, I urged,
I have no friends. I'm just a creep,
I imagine others like sheep.
Life is my greatest fear.
The reader should be able to tell that you wrote this on the fly-- as the words came to you - which is a great way to write ( but usually as a starting point - take a step back and look at it for what it is afterwards)
Out of curiosity-- Did you know what your first and last lines would be before you began to write?
