Sleep

[YazH]

Corridors of the mind, a haven indeed
Waves of water, crashing like cries, like murmurs recede
Tiny fingers like insects’ feet, graze along the eyes
Drag against the cloth, the switch turns on, she pries,
Tightened pillows, I cannot hear, I cannot hear,
And even so, and in her ill, behind my eyes I see her leer,
Her chilling coughs, her body shivers, more than a cold her body wrack

Sounds of time will ebb away, I know
But pushed away, from walls where loudest,
She taught me well. The fear is thorough.
I have no claim of defense, or any other valid duress
And when those eyes did close to the echoes of pitter patter, water drops, like her steps
Thus every shadow followed to every tear left unwept.

*****
hm.

[rowens]

All the rhymes get in the way. They don't do much but distract, like the wordiness distracts. Eyes did close, indeed, I know. All those things seem stuck on to bounce around, rhyme to rhyme.

And even so, and in her ill, behind my eyes I see her leer,
Her chilling coughs, her body shivers, more than a cold her body wrack

Those lines are good examples of what's wrong with this poem. You should slow down and consider what you're saying.

Though in your defense, dreams sometimes write these near senseless things.