Black Sand Beach

[Bunx]

Holter Dam

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air as thick as dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with me dying beneath.

Rubble between eyes
strolling deaths gaze.
I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
your delusion a snare.

Plains of failure smoky beach
dark black sand mirrors
waters colors held by Holter Dam.

[Volaticus]

Hi Rob,
Did you mean "Ruble" in S3? Or Rubble? As far as I know, the former is some country's currency. The two "deaths" should have an apostrophe after h.
I really like the mood you create with the images in the two first stanzas. I'm not sure about the line break between "deaths" and "gaze" in S3. If S4 is the realization, I'd suggest something like a colon after "realize", instead of a period.
Just a few thoughts.
Best,
Louise

[blueforest10]

Ruble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

-----------------
The continuity between "strolling.... realize" is a little off to me. But then again, I am a novice, I might be wrong. As someone already mentioned, some very basic punctuation errors that might be a typo.

[lineman10]

As someone who grew up in a partly urban environment, I got a very vivid sense of the surroundings I realized as I matured. Stanza 3 does kind of throw me off the visualization a bit, but I'm sure those words have much more meaning to you than to some readers, perhaps elaborate on that idea or phrase it different?

[Markworth]

This is only the second poem that I've read of yours, and both were a pleasure to read. I like the physical descriptions. At first I thought the withering sidewalk elm was suffering from Dutch elm disease, but that usually affects the upper branches first, so that must not be the reference here. Elms made great street trees. I'd love to see more poems discussing the beauty/tragedy of the elm.

[Bunx]

thanks again markworth. Dutch elm disease what was I had in mind. Alot of tress in my home town suffer from it but I was not sure how it effected the trees. anyways thanks for the read and feedback!

[poe]

[/size]

---

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with death beneath.

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.

I like, "I stumble as I rust.",and, "Your delusion, a snare." For the most part, I'm not sure what this poem is about yet I like it.
TS

[LorettaYoung]

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with death beneath.

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.

---

Hi, am very new: there is the hint of musical flow but I'm sure the pros would say off on iambs and meter; as i know is true of mine. I don't agree however, or see the point that "meaning is deaths shadow in the meadow of failure. Perhaps you could expand on that for me. Thanks, Loretta

[Bunx]

Thanks for the read loretta. as far as the last line it wraps up the whole poem together. the theme of the poem is the lost of hope/meaning in life.

[benno_422]

Hi, I'm only new here (and new to poems) so I don't mind if you take my thoughts with a grain of salt:
I really liked ' I stumble as I rust' - I think it's a really captivating and mysterious phrase.
With the first two lines of the first two stanza's I thought you could perhaps have shortened them, perhaps by putting the last words on the next line?
I also thought the same with the rhyme in the third stanza. Just to put some more emphasis on eyes, maybe consider putting it on the next line? Just because of the rhyme with realize.

B.

[bbcashdollar]

Stumble and stroll don't match up. If the tree is alive on top dead below it doesn't match withering.

withering sidewalk elm,
decimated by Asian beetle
A native species dies

The first three stanza are describing the subjects environment and their perception of it. The 4th deviates into something more conceptual. I think it would be stronger if you found a way to make the close more rooted in the physical.

[Quotidia]

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust. Visceral, I like.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with death beneath. Death and Beneath clash on my lisp, perhaps 'under'?

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure. Fucking love the concept of a meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.

I really liked the imagery.

[Orion]

[/size]

---

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with death beneath.

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.

I like, "I stumble as I rust.",and, "Your delusion, a snare."  For the most part, I'm not sure what this poem is about yet I like it.
TS

I'm pretty sure this poem is about how damaged most urban 'Hoods' are. Or at least, about how the 'bad part' of town erodes slowly, due to people not willing to help or visit it in a sense.

[b.abraham]

I quite like "I stumble as I rust", but I might change "air thicker than dust" to "air as thick as dust" to get some nice repetition going.

I also think the first line of the second stanza might be a bit too long. "Withering into a sidewalk elm" might drive your point across in fewer words.

Really like the imagery, though. I really get that feeling of withering or melting away.

[gypsyrose]

The first two stanzas I love the imagery they create. But "Rubble between my eyes and strolling through death's gaze" - confuses me. Does it mean you have blinkers on and the last stanza your dreams are smashed? And your last line, "Your delusion, a snare" - I loved it!

[Dymun Fengshui]

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm,
alive on the top
with death beneath.

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize.

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare.

I really like this poem. It is very applicable to current situations. I would like the second line better if it read "Breathing air thick as dust."

and in S4 I would prefer "Dreams aren't as they seem" I believe that it would fit your message better. or perhaps I am not fully understanding.

[Bunx]

Haha looking back on this poem. I am not quite sure if I understand it.... As far as the wording in the forth stanza
"Dreams are only as they seem" i would paraphrase it "Your dreams exist only to you, nothing is real about them"

[BW BRINE]

I enjoyed some of the conceptual/ aesthetic parts of this poem: meadows of failure, rusting leg imagery, thick, dusty air - very well done.

Criticism:
Awkward break between deaths [sic] and gaze.

"Dreams are only as they seem" <-- Would they be something they don't seem to be? OK, I get that, but...
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare. " <---- If the delusion is a snare, then the dream isn't the snare (it's exactly what it seems). Is this your intent?

I guess what I am saying is that I don't really understand what you're saying. It seems as though you have two opposing views that you're trying to congeal, which is fine - if it's consistent with your poem or makes sense with what you're saying. It seems to me that the intent is for a pessimistic, dark poem, but what you really have is melodrama.

I suggest taking a step back and focus on exactly what you are trying to say. You may find your words will be much different than the ones you have now.

-BW

[tectak]

Cement blocks underneath torn sneakers.I see immediately that there is deliberately(?) no meter in this piece. That is fine but then you must take as much care to avoid meter as you would to create it. So, L1 is largely statemental and requires no reason but its clarity to exist....and here I take issue simply because you do not "create" a narrator. As a result, L2 and L3 cry out for that "I" in L3. OK. This is first person. Why hide? " Cement blocks beneath MY torn sneakers. I breathe air thicker than dust; stumbling as I rust." This is, in essence, what stanza 1 says to the reader. Is the image correct? We shall see.
Breathing air thicker than dust.
I stumble as I rust.

Decaying into a withering sidewalk elm, Hmmm. Well, that did  not last long. I am very unsure of the metamorphosis due to decay. YOU decay in to an Elm? OK. Let's go with the talking Elm hypothesis. You, the Elm, are alive above ground, but withering. The death below (beneath is to much like underneath) may or may not be YOUR dead bits. Is this clearly stated? No. I do not think so. Now I hope that I am not being unfair....I am not embarrased to be confused....but conceptually the piece is wandering before my eyes. You must clarify otherwise interpretation will exceed expectation and the piece will run out of interest.
alive on the top
with death beneath.

Rubble between my eyes
strolling through deaths
gaze I realize. "Death's" you already know...but this error is symptomatic of muddled thinking. As the last line is a massive and open-ended forced rhyme (why bother at this late stage?) the inconclusive "...I realize" is just hopelessly uninformative. What DO you mean and are you still a tree?. Help

Dreams are only as they seem.
Meaning is deaths shadow
in the meadow of failure.
Your delusion, a snare. Well...er...quite. To be honest, only those who admired the King's new clothes will get anything from this faux-poetic stanza. If  anyone knows who YOU are, and what your delusion is, then please advise. If you are an Oak tree then I would be interested in your comments...or your acorns.

OK. All is opinion. Content is not the business of the crit except to pursue clarity or to admire deliberate and clever obscurity. You may say that this is about Dutch Elm disease and I believe you...but as one Elm to another, this sure beats the shit outta me.
You write with an enviable freedom but without discipline the concept is lost. There may be an equation here. Clarity ©=discipline(d)/freedom(f).
To put this right for me, should that be of any concern, you would need reduce the (f).
Best,
tectak[/b]

[Bunx]

Tect thanks for the feedback. Though the poem is not about dutch elm disease I do see why you would think so in the second stanza. Looking back at this poem I also thought the second stanza and the lack for first person narrative made it a bit confusing. I'll try and do another edit of this one and not botch it up. I typically find old poems lacking in clarity something I need to work on. Also I tried to break meter and rhyme in the poem to make it more consistant