No Longer Twelve

[TheWall0912]

EDIT 2
You
are not
the person
you used to be.
Innocent and young,
I shared a kiss with you.
Only you would hear about
my world of twelve year old secrets.
You always had an open shoulder
that would be there for my waterfall eyes.

A man raised by hate and not taught to love.
Someone who does not remember us
ever being just twelve years old,
or having his first real kiss.
It seems my waterfalls
don't have a shoulder
to reside on,
because you
are not
you.

EDIT 1 (Didn't change too much)
You
are not
the person
I used to like.
When we were still young
you and I shared a kiss.
It was only you with whom
I would share my twelve year old world.
You always had an open shoulder
that would be there for all my tears of blue.

What kind of a man have you grown into?
A man who does not remember me,
ever being just twelve years old,
or having his first real kiss.
Now it seems my blue tears
don't have a shoulder
to reside on,
because you
are not
you.


ORIGINAL
You
are not
the person
I used to like.
You no longer are
the boy I used to kiss.
The only one who I could
share my whole twelve year old world with.
Your shoulder is too cold now for me
to rest my head on and cry tears of blue.
That boy has grown into a hateful man
who does not remember being twelve,
or his first kiss. That boy hasn't
been around and won't come back.
From now on my blue tears
don't have a shoulder
to reside on,
because you
are not
you.

[ray]

There's 20 lines but you don't seem to have enlarged all that much upon the first 4. I think you need to make the poem more interesting, breathe a bit of life into one or both characters. It's not enough just to say that you're pissed off with someone.

[Volaticus]

EDIT 1 (Didn't change too much)
You I like..
are not .. these three..
the person .. line breaks.
I used to like. In relation to the last three lines in the next stanza, I think 'you used to be' would be a better fit. The kiss in the next lines also implies that the narrator did like him, making 'I used to like' feel a bit redundant.
When we were still young Stumbled a little on this line..
you and I shared a kiss. .. and this line..
It was only you with whom .. and this line and the next.
I would share my twelve year old world. I like this image.
You always had an open shoulder
that would be there for all my tears of blue. 'tears of blue' seems a bit generic to me. Perhaps you could come up with a more vivid and expressive way of portraying sadness?

What kind of a man have you grown into? Like I said in my comments below, I think this could be expanded more. Instead of being a question, which to me seems a little out of place here, maybe you could use this line to describe the man a little more, as you do in the lines below.
A man who does not remember me, I don't think this comma's needed.
ever being just twelve years old,
or having his first real kiss.
Now it seems my blue tears Again, 'blue tears': a bit generic in my opinion.
don't have a shoulder Good..
to reside on, .. image.
because you A..
are not .. strong..
you. ending.

Hi,
This is my first time giving crit in serious, so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. I like the idea of having a line structure of 1-10 and 10-1 syllables, though I think it's very restricting and you have to find just the right words for it all to come together nicely. I like your edit better than your original and I think you've done a decent job, but it still seems a little flat to me. I get the sentiment, but I didn't feel it much. I'd love to read an edit where you get a little more under the skin of the two people and give some clarity on what's made the 'you' become such a different person. Also, I think some of the lines sound a bit awkward, because the syllables have to be in order (I'd presume). I've noted the places (see above) I stumbled. It's all of course just my humble opinion, and you can use or discard whatever you feel like. I hope I don't sound too harsh. I really like the theme you chose with this form of lines sort of fading in and fading out; fits brilliantly with the subject of matter.
My best,
Louise

[R.C. KITCHENS]

EDIT 1 (Didn't change too much)
You
are not
the person
I used to like.
When we were still young
you and I shared a kiss.
It was only you with whom
I would share my twelve year old world.
You always had an open shoulder
that would be there for all my tears of blue.

What kind of a man have you grown into?
A man who does not remember me,
ever being just twelve years old,
or having his first real kiss.
Now it seems my blue tears
don't have a shoulder
to reside on,
because you
are not
you.


ORIGINAL
You
are not
the person
I used to like.
You no longer are
the boy I used to kiss.
The only one who I could
share my whole twelve year old world with.
Your shoulder is too cold now for me
to rest my head on and cry tears of blue.
That boy has grown into a hateful man
who does not remember being twelve,
or his first kiss. That boy hasn't
been around and won't come back.
From now on my blue tears
don't have a shoulder
to reside on,
because you
are not
you.

I see your trying a format and syllable count, but I think
"You
are not
the person
I used to like." Isn't really needed as the remainder of the poem shows that sentiment. I would lose "blue" in blue tears in the bottom end of the poem. Tears aren't really blue, and it was repetitive without being needed.

[TheWall0912]

ray, I like your idea of developing the characters.

Volaticus, thanks for the detailed critique. The line by line comments will really help, I plan on editing further. Don't worry about being harsh, I can take it

RC, I too felt like I was being repetitive but was having trouble thinking of a different way of expressing myself. I'm going to try to change blue tears to something more original, there are just so many cliches out there!

Thanks for the crit everyone!

[ChristopherSea]

There have been several edits of this I first read this and I like it more now. I did want to say that in the case of a double etheree the second part is often used to mirror the first, so I see no problem with repetition. I realize that line 8 is a significant one for you, but if you can shorten it a little the shape of your poem will be perfect. The open shoulder sounds slighty odd to me. Maybe only me, ha ha... Keep at it!

[TheWall0912]

There have been several edits of this I first read this and I like it more now. I did want to say that in the case of a double etheree the second part is often used to mirror the first, so I see no problem with repetition. I realize that line 8 is a significant one for you, but if you can shorten it a little the shape of your poem will be perfect. The open shoulder sounds slighty odd to me. Maybe only me, ha ha... Keep at it!

If I change lines 9 and 10 to something like:
One of your shoulders was always free,
a resting place for my waterfall eyes.

how does that sound? It solves the issue of line 8 being too long, but now line 10 is a little short.

[ChristopherSea]

There have been several edits of this I first read this and I like it more now. I did want to say that in the case of a double etheree the second part is often used to mirror the first, so I see no problem with repetition. I realize that line 8 is a significant one for you, but if you can shorten it a little the shape of your poem will be perfect. The open shoulder sounds slighty odd to me. Maybe only me, ha ha... Keep at it!

If I change lines 9 and 10 to something like:
One of your shoulders was always free,
a resting place for my waterfall eyes.

how does that sound? It solves the issue of line 8 being too long, but now line 10 is a little short.

You know that sounds beautiful!

[davinox]

EDIT 2
You
are not
the person
you used to be.
Innocent and young,
I shared a kiss with you.
Only you would hear about This line seems plain and overly passive. " Confided in you frankly" might sound better here.
my world of twelve year old secrets.
You always had an open shoulder
that would be there for my waterfall eyes. Waterfall on the shoulder? This needs to change, this is a weak metaphor.

A man raised by hate and not taught to love. This line is plain as well. "A man fed hatred, taught to shun all love." - you could say something like not. Not telling you to change it to that, but you get the idea. Something less "plain" and merely expository.
Someone who does not remember us
ever being just twelve years old,
or having his first real kiss.
It seems my waterfalls Need to change this waterfalls metaphor.
don't have a shoulder
to reside on,
because you
are not
you.

Biggest critique is to make some of your language more original and interesting, not so plain and expository.