Her Special Place

[billy]

An evergreen ocean of roiling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
upheld by gnarled blackthorn staffs.

Strings of limestone monoliths spread
like litter on the moor;
broken strands of time.
Tired waterfowl alighted on mercurial waters
in a demure flap of webbed feet and violent wings.

A thousand threads of white rippled
a canvas of Picasso's blue.


Kestrels hovered; heads to the wind
searching heath and sky.

---

2nd edit thanks goes to tom and anyone else who's helping me :J:

---

1st edit.

Her Special Place

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

original
from the mentor thread

[R.C. KITCHENS]

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
The color "purple" sounds plain, Is there an alternative you might like instead? I know "violet" is a purple-blue color.
Just wondering if your content with purple or might be open to a metaphor or another word to explain the color.

that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride
I get "hikers crooks" Dont believe there is a better
option in word choice.
the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
"Picasso blue" sounds cliche. I might be mistaken, but I thought I seen it used before on this site. I'd probably change it.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

from the mentor thread

I get the main focus as "nature" or natural element. Observation. It isn't bad. It does come a little short to me. The ending is good enough.

[Keith]

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine great line
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers. Sunday would pick up the place of worship in S2
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride good images

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor I can see this
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds. Solid Stanza

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove. visually very strong and I like the dive into lakes

---

from the mentor thread

I have walked here Billy and this is a great depiction, my only bump was S1 L3 I'm not sure about the use of two. Thanks for the walk. Keith

[billy]

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
The color "purple" sounds plain, Is there an alternative you might like instead? I know "violet" is a purple-blue color.
Just wondering if your content with purple or might be open to a metaphor or another word to explain the color.

that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride
I get "hikers crooks" Dont believe there is a better
option in word choice.
the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
"Picasso blue" sounds cliche. I might be mistaken, but I thought I seen it used before on this site. I'd probably change it.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

from the mentor thread

I get the main focus as "nature" or natural element. Observation. It isn't bad. It does come a little short to me. The ending is good enough.

thanks for the feedback R.C. will think on your suggestions.

---

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine great line
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers. Sunday would pick up the place of worship in S2
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride good images

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor I can see this
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds. Solid Stanza

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove. visually very strong and I like the dive into lakes

---

from the mentor thread

I have walked here Billy and this is a great depiction, my only bump was S1 L3 I'm not sure about the use of two. Thanks for the walk. Keith

thanks for the feedback keith. would

it held us both captive, Saturday ramblers.

read better?

[ray]

Not Our Special Place? Very nice, I think, apart from lines 8-10.

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers. - you don't need "it"
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride - you don't need a comma

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit - "alit" seems perverse! alighted is much better!
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds. - not silver and painted, surely!

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed - I find it rather vague
across a canvass of Picasso blue. - Picasso has no business here and canvas has only one s
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

Nice ending.

[ChristopherSea]

I would want to be here! How about mauve, wine or plum? as a painter of water colors, I find the basic hues less interesting. Heathered spine, conbines color, scent and vegetation superbly. Crooks, are you modest sheppards, ha ha? Perhaps walking sticks? I don't know the hiker's lingo. I would put a comma after moor. I might replace silver painted with quicksilver. For across a canvass of Picasso blue, I might use: over a cobalt Picasso canvas. You do want canvas, as canvass is the verb for examining. I am not crazy about hard, steady, firm or fixed may serve you better. Very serene scene!/Chris

[tectak]

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine"the" rather than "that"
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers...then no "it" but maybe colon after "captive". " held us captive: two seasoned Sunday ramblers". Your poem.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stridenonsensical line break and suicidal drop off the enjambment. No to this. No comma after crooks. "Walking staffs" ore even "hiker's staffs" rather than "hiker's crooks" unless you are walking 100miles to collect in the sheep.

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moorYou need to link the altar to the moor. The full stop prevents this.Maybe...

"Walker's staffs and leather boots
ready to stride the granite altar;
our solace, our place of worship."

it was our solace, our place of worship.no to "it" again
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit...I was suspicious of "alit" and checked it out. It is correct! I don't like it but cannot judge it harshly on false grounds. Another way? "...as tired waterfowl touched down "
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.mirrored planes and silver painted say the same thing to me...BUT...if you say HOW the waterfowl affect the "planes" you may get away with it.
" We'd watch as tired waterfowl touched down,
disturbing silvered planes of mirror ponds." Hmmm. I am not as good as I think I am, mostly

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.canvas. I REALLY like the Picasso blue period...but would ask that you give him the benefit of ownership. Would you stretch to "Picasso's blue"?
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and What happened to end the line on a strong word....and?
waited on the wing before they dove.Kestrels and Doves? No. "...waited on the wing before the dive" Waited is a little to simple and not showing energy.

---

from the mentor thread

Hi billy.
Best I can do with this. It is almost there. Do not leave this one. Finish it. There is enough goodness in it to warrant cleaning of the plate. Get it while it's hot.
Best,
tectak

[GrhmJngL]

A purple ocean over rolling hills; I'd agree with RC Kitchens about the use of "purple", it's not that vivid a word and there are much more phonaesthetically pretty alternatives
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers. Meter is awkward on this line. I sort of stumbled over it after reading two lines of perfect meter.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship. I like the religious inference here.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

from the mentor thread

Really like it: clear, atmospheric, and, apart from that one line, metrically perfect without feeling forced. Form utilised very well.

[billy]

An evergreen ocean of rolling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
with gnarly blackthorn staffs.

A string of Limestone monoliths spread
across the moor, broken strands of time.
Tired waterfowl would alight on mercurial waters
in a flap of webbed feet and violent wings.

A thousand threads of white as rippled
across a canvas of Picasso's blue.
Kestrels hovered, pressed against the wind
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

1st edit.

Her Special Place

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

original
from the mentor thread

[tectak]

An evergreen ocean of rolling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine. You have over-responded to the crits and heather isn't an evergreen and rolling hills is a cliche and this is just not billy anymore.
Captive Sunday ramblers
with gnarly blackthorn staffs. It is too imperative and notated now. Reads like a draft. "with gnarly" may be argued as overmodified to get in the extra adjective. with/nar/lee could be removed and carr/ee/ing substituted

A string of Limestone monoliths spread no capital on limestone
across the moor, broken strands of time. If you must stick with this syntax then a semi colon after "moor". Still not best pleased, though
Tired waterfowl would alight on mercurial waters Ah, would they? Or do they, or did they? Why would? Conditional.
in a flap of webbed feet and violent wings. No. Wrongly observed. Landing is a demure affair. Take off is what you are describing. Sorry billy. Webbed feet? Not moor-hens or coots. You mean ducks?

A thousand threads of white as rippled
across a canvas of Picasso's blue.
Kestrels hovered, pressed against the wind
waited on the wing before they dove. Jesus, billy, more tenses than a recipe for instant Peking duck! That dove has got to gone...er...went.

I blame myself!
Best,
tectak

---

1st edit.

Her Special Place

A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

original
from the mentor thread

[billy]

An evergreen ocean of roiling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
upheld by gnarled blackthorn staffs.

Strings of limestone monoliths spread
like litter on the moor;
broken strands of time.
Tired waterfowl alighted on mercurial waters
in a demure flap of webbed feet and violent wings.

A thousand threads of white rippled
a canvas of Picasso's blue.


Kestrels hovered; heads to the wind
searching heath and sky.

---

2nd edit thanks goes to tom and anyone else who's helping me :J:

---

An evergreen ocean of rolling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
with gnarly blackthorn staffs.

A string of Limestone monoliths spread
across the moor, broken strands of time.
Tired waterfowl would alight on mercurial waters
in a flap of webbed feet and violent wings.

A thousand threads of white as rippled
across a canvas of Picasso's blue.
Kestrels hovered, pressed against the wind
waited on the wing before they dove.

---

1st edit.

just a quickie.

When people mention heather, they are almost always talking about two different genera of plants: heaths and heathers. Although both belong to the Ericaceae family, they are botanically different and are divided into the Calluna genus and the Erica genus. For practical purposes, however, they are nearly identical, sharing color, form, and growth habits. They are all evergreen, well-mannered, and low-maintenance plants that thrive in similar conditions of sunlight, water, and soil. Winter hardiness is the only major difference between species.

a duck is waterfowl. web feet an all, i never give the impression i was on about moor hens etc

---

some good points elsewhere

[tectak]

just a quickie.

When people mention heather, they are almost always talking about two different genera of plants: heaths and heathers. Although both belong to the Ericaceae family, they are botanically different and are divided into the Calluna genus and the Erica genus. For practical purposes, however, they are nearly identical, sharing color, form, and growth habits. They are all evergreen, well-mannered, and low-maintenance plants that thrive in similar conditions of sunlight, water, and soil. Winter hardiness is the only major difference between species.

a duck is waterfowl. web feet an all, i never give the impression i was on on about moor hens etc

---

some good points elsewhere

Whatho billy.
Evergreen? Well, yes...let's say I'm botanically inexact BUT do we mean poetically "evergreen" or "ever green"....your purple expanse of old..the bonnie purple heather...the lucky white heather?
Agreed...you did not say moorhen or coots but both ARE waterfowl and neither have webbed feet...so do you mean ducks?
I woke up this morning with a pedantic priapism...I am alright now.
Best,
tectak

[billy]

yeah i meant ducks (honestly) the ones with the dark blue heads. though i could have meant swans, geese. though swans arent something you see a lot of on the moors

---

you can use the evergreen how you wish

[ChristopherSea]

Hey Billy, I see you are repainting this landscape again. I like how it is coming along. Here's some more suggestions to prolong your agony and ecstacy with this one.

An evergreen ocean of roiling hills; ‘rolling’ to ‘roiling,’ are the hills muddy or angry? (maybe ‘sinuous’ or ‘serpentine’)
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine. Nice
Captive Sunday ramblers wonderful!
upheld by gnarled blackthorn staffs. love those staffs, but not ‘upheld’ (‘steadied’ or ‘guided’ ?)
Strings of limestone monoliths spread like the image, but not ‘spread’ I see litter as ‘scattered’ or ‘tossed’
like litter on the moor;
broken strands of time. cool
Tired waterfowl alighted on mercurial waters lovely
in a demure flap of webbed feet and violent wings. violent may conflict with tired above (‘weary wings’?)

A thousand threads of white rippled
a canvas of Picasso's blue. I dig this!

Kestrels hovered; heads to the wind need to beef this close up somehow
searching heath and sky.



This is more for me than you, but let’s see how badly I mangled this:

An evergreen ocean of sinuous hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
guided by blackthorn staffs.

Filaments of limestone monoliths
scattered like litter on the moor;
broken strands of time elapsed.

Tired waterfowl alit on mercurial waters
in a demure flap of webbed feet and preening wings.
A thousand threads of white
rippled a canvas of Picasso's blue.

Kestrels hovered; their bills to the wind,
surveying heath and sky.


Cheers!/Chris

[tectak]

yeah i meant ducks (honestly) the ones with the dark blue heads. though i could have meant swans, geese. though swans arent something you see a lot of on the moors

---

you can use the evergreen how you wish

Oh, and I think you should know that mercurial doesn't mean like mercury!
Bugger...pedantic again! Sorry
Best,
tectak

[ChristopherSea]

yeah i meant ducks (honestly) the ones with the dark blue heads. though i could have meant swans, geese. though swans arent something you see a lot of on the moors

---

you can use the evergreen how you wish

Oh, and I think you should know that mercurial doesn't mean like mercury!
Bugger...pedantic again! Sorry
Best,
tectak

Hey, maybe those waters are angry!

[btrudo]

I actually like this version more overall:
A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.
Problem with this and other edit is that the poem doesn't seem to do much of claiming its own space. It's a nice little travel piece. I like travel pieces when they sparkle, which means you really would have to up the quality of description to a more mesmerizing level.

Or this piece could do a better job of invoking inner space. Worship and solace just isn't enough at that level. At this point, it really depends upon what you want to do with this.

Personally I'd opt to try the latter. That being said, I actually enjoyed a lot of the phrasing in here.



This version makes me feel like I'm watching a car commercial. It has a few good images, but it's reads disjointed and without energy due to the lack of sentence structure and good verb choices.
An evergreen ocean of roiling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
upheld by gnarled blackthorn staffs.

Strings of limestone monoliths spread
like litter on the moor;
broken strands of time.
Tired waterfowl alighted on mercurial waters
in a demure flap of webbed feet and violent wings.

A thousand threads of white rippled
a canvas of Picasso's blue.


Kestrels hovered; heads to the wind
searching heath and sky.
Actually, looking it over, this reads as an almost completely different poem. I'd be concerned that you might workshopping this to death.

[billy]

yeah i meant ducks (honestly) the ones with the dark blue heads. though i could have meant swans, geese. though swans arent something you see a lot of on the moors

---

you can use the evergreen how you wish

Oh, and I think you should know that mercurial doesn't mean like mercury!
Bugger...pedantic again! Sorry
Best,
tectak

mercurial, quick to change or temperamental, it's the moors; weather changes, sometimes in an instant

---

I actually like this version more overall:
A purple ocean over rolling hills;
that broad expanse of England's heathered spine
it held us captive, two Saturday ramblers.
Hiker's crooks, and boots ready to stride

the granite altar. Spread throughout the moor
it was our solace, our place of worship.
We'd watch as tired waterfowl alit
on mirrored planes of silver painted ponds.

A thousand threads of white as ripples pushed
across a canvass of Picasso blue.
The Kestrels hovered hard against the wind and
waited on the wing before they dove.
Problem with this and other edit is that the poem doesn't seem to do much of claiming its own space. It's a nice little travel piece. I like travel pieces when they sparkle, which means you really would have to up the quality of description to a more mesmerizing level.

Or this piece could do a better job of invoking inner space. Worship and solace just isn't enough at that level. At this point, it really depends upon what you want to do with this.

Personally I'd opt to try the latter. That being said, I actually enjoyed a lot of the phrasing in here.



This version makes me feel like I'm watching a car commercial. It has a few good images, but it's reads disjointed and without energy due to the lack of sentence structure and good verb choices.
An evergreen ocean of roiling hills;
the broad expanse of England's heathered spine.
Captive Sunday ramblers
upheld by gnarled blackthorn staffs.

Strings of limestone monoliths spread
like litter on the moor;
broken strands of time.
Tired waterfowl alighted on mercurial waters
in a demure flap of webbed feet and violent wings.

A thousand threads of white rippled
a canvas of Picasso's blue.


Kestrels hovered; heads to the wind
searching heath and sky.
Actually, looking it over, this reads as an almost completely different poem. I'd be concerned that you might workshopping this to death.

yeah, i possibly went too far with the edits and possibly edited the wrong parts thanks for taking the time to read and leave feedback, it's always appreciated :J: