This mind that grinds & twists beneath the skin

[GrhmJngL]

This mind that grinds & twists beneath the skin,
Like flaxen rope that tightens 'round the doomed:
It mortifies for what it knows as sin.
The hangman's wife, she smiles over the loom
And weaves a dress that binds around the chest
His breath to make confined and stutter short,
Though freer than the suffocated breast
On which he softly treads and pulls athwart.

At dawn he dons his hood and hands me mine.
Like guilty lovers thrust into the light,
Though impotent from cowardice and wine,
We consummate the wedding of delight
And that which will destroy us all in time,
As Thanatos and Eros realign.

I know myself that this is might be a bit unclear or abstract, but I don't really know.

[billy]

a solid effort at the sonnet, the meter seems okay, the rhyme, even the half rhyme, loom/doomed works well enough. i get the image of a hanging, both the hangman and prisoner wearing hoods. i get confused as to who the narrator is.
not sure the title should be the whole 1st line and though it's only preference i prefer a cap to start a sentence only when punctuation dictates.

thanks for the read.

This mind that grinds & twists beneath the skin, ampersands in poetry are lazy
Like flaxen rope that tightens 'round the doomed: i get the noose part and like the image
It mortifies for what it knows as sin.
The hangman's wife, she smiles over the loom , i stumbled on over,
And weaves a dress that binds around the chest
His breath to make confined and stutter short,
Though freer than the suffocated breast
On which he softly treads and pulls athwart. i like athwart even though it's archaic. (it fits the poem)

At dawn he dons his hood and hands me mine.
Like guilty lovers thrust into the light,
Though impotent from cowardice and wine,
We consummate the wedding of delight so you don hoods to consummate a wedding? i thought this was pretty clever if i get it right
And that which will destroy us all in time, feels wordy and meter forced.
As Thanatos and Eros realign. i wouldn't expect this line in this poem.

I know myself that this is might be a bit unclear or abstract, but I don't really know.

[GrhmJngL]

...though it's only preference i prefer a cap to start a sentence only when punctuation dictates... As do I, definitely, it was mostly a thing of keeping more formal/old-fashioned conventions because of the form and tone of the poem warranting it.

I agree with all of billy's comments. I'd like to add..there seems to be an abrupt, unexplained shift in point of view in the second half. Who is the narrator? The bride is third person in the first half, and apparently first person in the second half. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how I am reading it.

Firstly, on top of what I detail here (or maybe more accurately, underneath it), is this whole messy thing of a non-relationship and this dreadfully long and gross story of prolonged simultaneous desire, guilt, dread, anxiety and attachment that would take a couple of thousand words to explain and would bore you all half to death.

Addressing both of you regarding the narrator and the narrative itself, the first three lines are intended to go some way to explain the metaphor, that the narrator's mind is afflicting the body/itself for what it perceives as fault, as a noose destroys the body for what the hangman (as the agent of the societal "big Other") perceives as wrongdoing, the verb "mortify" here supposed to imply both "kill" and mortify as in the Catholic(?) idea of the "mortification of the flesh", wherein one self-inflicts physical punishment in atonement for sin.

From there, the figure of the hangman is I suppose a manifestation of the sort of "big Other" kind of internal figure, representing self-infliction of suffering "on behalf of" an external idea, and at the same time also projecting the aforementioned person onto this figure.

In the sestet, the idea of "the wedding of delight and that which will destroy us all in time" is that of the complex relationship and interplay between desire and self-destruction, between the want of something both for the potential pleasure that it can bring and the destruction that it also brings, between the Freudian "death instinct" (Thanatos) and "life instinct" (Eros), its "consummation" being the aforementioned "hanging"; the Event in which tensions between these two opposing forces are released; their violent collision as the subject "gives in" and lets be what may.

(I feel as if I haven't explained myself properly at all and am only coming across even more pretentious. :/)

[billy]

i think you gave it away too soon

i'm always averse to spoilers until a few people have given a response.
my problem with the extended metaphor is that the poem also contains a literal story.
so much so that while i do see some metaphor, i see it wrapped in an action and outcome.

[GrhmJngL]

i think you gave it away too soon

i'm always averse to spoilers until a few people have given a response.
my problem with the extended metaphor is that the poem also contains a literal story.
so much so that while i do see some metaphor, i see it wrapped in an action and outcome.

Haha, sorry! I suppose I'll have to be a little more coy next time!

Yeah, I get what you mean about the extended metaphor. And you're right about the title. For ages it was "Cupio dissolvi", which I thought was really fitting, but I was also worried that it'd come off a little pretentious.

[tectak]

This mind that grinds & twists beneath the skin, grinds and twists. This is not texting.Good opener. Avoid, desist, from the temptation to capitalise each line start. It is retro.
Like flaxen rope that tightens 'round the doomed: round
It mortifies for what it knows as sin.
The hangman's wife, she smiles over the loom
And weaves a dress that binds around the chest Unless you punctuate to clarity I have the hang MAN in a tight dress. I feel Freud creeping in!
His breath to make confined and stutter short,
Though freer than the suffocated breast
On which he softly treads and pulls athwart. Sounds good...means nothing. Help

At dawn he dons his hood and hands me mine.
Like guilty lovers thrust into the light,
Though impotent from cowardice and wine,
We consummate the wedding of delight
And that which will destroy us all in time,
As Thanatos and Eros realign. Be very careful with Freudian confirmations. Thanatos was around( mythically speaking) before Freud. Thanatos was the silent killer, the gentle death, the sleep into the endless night. Freud theorised the shit out of the death wish but never declared a liaison with any contra ( gegengewich) theoretical construct. I must say that I like the firstness of the idea but think it is flawed from the outset. To be discussed.

Yes. I like myself for liking this. Now that is Freudian
The obscurity is intentional and I can live with this. You may feel disinclined to explain your intent. That is fine. It is an obscure poem....but make it poetic. The punctuation is, errr, innovative.
Best,
tectak

I know myself that this is might be a bit unclear or abstract, but I don't really know.

[GrhmJngL]

...Unless you punctuate to clarity I have the hang MAN in a tight dress. I feel Freud creeping in!...

"Dress" as in a general term for an article of clothing/clothing in general. It's supposed to be for the man.

His breath to make confined and stutter short,
Though freer than the suffocated breast
On which he softly treads and pulls athwart. Sounds good...means nothing. Help

How do you mean?

Be very careful with Freudian confirmations. Thanatos was around( mythically speaking) before Freud. Thanatos was the silent killer, the gentle death, the sleep into the endless night. Freud theorised the shit out of the death wish but never declared a liaison with any contra ( gegengewich) theoretical construct. I must say that I like the firstness of the idea but think it is flawed from the outset. To be discussed.

Wilhelm Stekel was the person who named the death-drive "Thanatos", so I guess that makes it more post-Freudian.

The ambiguity of/parallel between "Thanatos & Eros" as references to Freud and the direct references to classical figures (and thus taken simply as a personification of "love and death").

The punctuation is, errr, innovative.

Is that to say sloppy, or just odd?

[tectak]

...Unless you punctuate to clarity I have the hang MAN in a tight dress. I feel Freud creeping in!...

"Dress" as in a general term for an article of clothing/clothing in general. It's supposed to be for the man. You are jesting

His breath to make confined and stutter short,
Though freer than the suffocated breast
On which he softly treads and pulls athwart. Sounds good...means nothing. Help

How do you mean? I asked first

Be very careful with Freudian confirmations. Thanatos was around( mythically speaking) before Freud. Thanatos was the silent killer, the gentle death, the sleep into the endless night. Freud theorised the shit out of the death wish but never declared a liaison with any contra ( gegengewich) theoretical construct. I must say that I like the firstness of the idea but think it is flawed from the outset. To be discussed.

Wilhelm Stekel was the person who named the death-drive "Thanatos", so I guess that makes it more post-Freudian. Agreed...but Thanatos was not much for the hanging, particularly as a mortal choice, so maybe the linkage is duff

The ambiguity of/parallel between "Thanatos & Eros" as references to Freud and the direct references to classical figures (and thus taken simply as a personification of "love and death").

The punctuation is, errr, innovative.

Is that to say sloppy, or just odd? Neither. Innovative

The whole is greater than the sum of the parts and I would be mischevious to suggest radical reform. Sometimes slanted references, by that I mean references being superficially accepted by the many but with a deeper significancs for the few, become the raison d'etre for a whole poem when that is not the writer's intention. The intellectual polemics created by the T and E relationship is just that and nothing more...hardly worth the argument in the round. The piece has many legs so stands the loss of one. I am liking it.
Best,
tectak