A Passing

[tectak]

if i change the the first A rhyme i'll change the last one as well so that would be a problem. and you could be right with musk. i'll let it stand a while and do an edit in a week or so

thanks for the input tom

Ok Billy.
Why would it be a problem? scent/lament?
I won't tell.
Very Best,
tectak

[billy]

oops. i meant wouldn't...but you knew that didn't you

[milo]

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes

I would switch to "loose-barked". I don't know if "unfurled a smell" will ever work for me as it feels to contrived iykwim, but that may just be a personal preference.

and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

what is the difference between "trilled along a branch" and "trilled on a branch" I might ask. "SO" in "so proud in song" bothers me. blushed "within" the glade suggests that outside the glade, they will stop blushing. "as" suggests time or synchronicity. It creates a strange choreography of foxgloves singing only if bluebells blush. I still like the image of chorused foxglove.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

You can't really get away with "gone the softness of the trees", it is grammatically incorrect.(no verb). "and lost the vales" just doesn't work at all. Also, I (for one) would like a tie back to the wind here. The wind was the subject of our entire octet, particularly the smell. I imagine sewerage is a reference in a sense, but I would like more, maybe a little wind in the last line.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

nice work on the editing so far.

[billy]

on the point of the trilling along as opposed to to trilling on, from what little bit's of nature i've seen, birds seldom sing on one spot, they move up and down the branch,

will certainly think about your other suggestions in the next edit

thanks for the in-depth feedback, i'll definitely mull them over.

[milo]

on the point of the trilling along as opposed to to trilling on, from what little bit's of nature i've seen, birds seldom sing on one spot, they move up and down the branch,

I meant to get back to this. I actually like "trilling along a branch" but it set off my alarms for some reason so I wanted to hear what went on under the hood. Thanks for that.

[billy]

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oak.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, died the splendour of the trees.
no more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails.

---

2nd edit. i did play with the rhyme on L's 1 and 8, as well as some tinkering elsewhere. thanks again to all who helped.

[heslopian]

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell "Unfurled a spell" is great. Connecting magic with nature has a pagan feel, which I like.
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oak. Should "loose" and "barked" have a dash between them?
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke What is this entity you're referring to, which bore fern and ashed and tried to woo a thrush?
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song. The semi-colon seems, to me, like it should be a comma, as the latter clause ("its spotted breast") connects perfectly well to its predecessor without needing such a definite divide.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade Great use of "blushed".
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade, This should be a semi-colon, I think, as the next line, which introduces a "me", doesn't follow the previous thought. In fact, the last line of this verse might be stronger if you make it its own sentence.
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell. Great use of "mottled". This poem uses adjectives like a boss

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, died the splendour of the trees. Is the comma here needed? This line is really all one clause, so dividing it makes it read awkwardly; the comma would be better placed after "cast away", I think.
No more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae. "Sewerage pipes" has a great, almost shocking effect, because it's the first mention of modern technology in a previously au natural poem. Furthermore, it's technology which does an ugly (if necessary) job, so we go from serene woodland to shit and piss. It's a subtle but stunningly effective technique.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails. Great closing line.

---

2nd edit. i did play with the rhyme on L's 1 and 8, as well as some tinkering elsewhere. thanks again to all who helped.

I really enjoyed this poem. It was heavily structured and deeply effective. My nits, as you can see, are mostly grammatical. The only one that really bothers me is what that entity you allude to in the first half of the first verse is. Is it the wind? All critique is, of course, JMHO. Thank you for the read, Bilbo

[billy]

it could be the wind it could be something more depending on your stance when it comes to cutting trees down

thanks for the input jack, it seems i have one more edit at least to do .

[serge gurkski]

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oak.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, died the splendour of the trees.
No more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails.

---

2nd edit. i did play with the rhyme on L's 1 and 8, as well as some tinkering elsewhere. thanks again to all who helped.

A Passing

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more the summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge

hi Billy,
as usual I ignore what others said but believe it or not, I got you:
No line by line this time for good reasons.

I am ok with a nineteenth century larmoyant (I guess you call it mawkishnessishlish ;-) )
about -what is it? - life being futile.
Your phrasings fit the bill. My concern is
that it is not here in the now.
Not in my Now.
Otherwise ok
I dunno.
see: Let me be honest, I had to offer some kind of meaningful comment to fit some asshole's bill. So: yeah, why not: here we roll. yawn.

And I give a heartfelt shit about who defines criteria, come on, comes it to poetry.
It is a 19t century Poem and a good one.
I speak my informed heart and now go ponder and judge for yourself if what this reader of your poetry thinksis meaningful or dismiss it.
etc...




.

[billy]

thanks for the feedback serge.

[ray]

Enjoyed. Haven't read all the comments but I noticed the change from semicolon to comma after "ash" and it seems an odd move.
I have trouble seeing bluebells blush.
I'd suggest a semicolon after "shade".
I wonder why you'd be introducing "sails" into this setting. Apart from that, I like the last 6 lines.

[billy]

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell
of loose-barked silver birch and stretching oak.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch, its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade.
The mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them died the splendour of the trees.
no more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails.

---

final edit. mainly punctuation. thanks for the help with that jack and ray.

A Passing

It bore the fern and ash; unfurled a spell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oak.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow stroke
to woo a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its shell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, died the splendour of the trees.
No more the summer's dell, and gone the trails;
as sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
The wooded hills no longer stand at ease.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails.

---

2nd edit. i did play with the rhyme on L's 1 and 8, as well as some tinkering elsewhere. thanks again to all who helped.

A Passing

It bore a trace of fern, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
a branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells blushed within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang inside the shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old are cast away
and with them, gone the softness of the trees.
Now terracotta houses rise like sails
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more summer's dell and lost, the vales.

---

thanks for all the feedback this is the 1st edit

original.
A Passing

It carried scent of ferns, unfurled a smell
of loose barked silver birch and stretching oaks.
Then dallied by the poplar's narrow strokes
and wooed a hermit thrush that trilled along
on branch; its spotted breast so proud in song.
The parted bluebells swayed, within the glade
as chorused foxglove sang aloud in shade,
the mottled woodland wrapped me in its spell.

The years, like winds of old have bled away
and with them flew the softness of the trees.
now terracotta houses rise like sails.
and sewerage pipes are threaded through the brae.
No more the wooded hills, no more the breeze.
No more the summer's dell, no more the vales.

---

i pronounce sewerage as sew ridge