Broken bricks and distant singers

[EileenGreay]

A sepulchral dampness swims     over my
    Naked flesh.     The gloom of doom – — – it. It -
Looms. Fistfuls of moths beat their         silent semiquavers
Against my brow;
I low like a doleful cow.     The stench of beef,
    Raw, and cut and sore
Pulls     at       me from the       door.

The moon in this room is blue or, perhaps, brown
And leers like a clown
    Or round tomb. The walls, which are taller
Than those of Troy or Carthage, push and pull
    Snap and splinter;
I tap; there’s a hole; now a sphincter.

My ears are funnels or sieves which hear
  Valhalla and Brünnhilde’s     infernal screeches
    As incineration dissolves         into inebriation.
      Tell me, woman, of what do you sing? Do you sing
        Of     the river and the
    Fall     from grace
To damnation?     I sing too.
    Of broken bricks and
Distant singers.

Note: unfortunately I seem unable to post this with my original lineation and use of blank space, which, I feel, add much sense to the poem. Apologies for any issues which might be clarified by a sense of the poem as shape.

i had a look at the original and tried to emulate the layout, if you click on edit you'll see how it's done and be able to alter as needed/mod

[ChristopherSea]

Sepulchrals, semiquavers and singers, oh my! I feel your pain in properly structuring your piece without some command of html. I don't have that knowledge and can't help you, but the site managers can. I don't feel all that qualified to critique your poem, as it is obvious to me that you are no amateur poet. An English teacher or poetry professor, eh? As a subscriber of several top journals for years, I can envision this work in one of my next issues. The flow, rhythm and rhymes work well for me and the gothic/urban theme is thick. The 3-beat pause in line 2 puzzles me, is it for meter, effect or a self-imposed censor? I will say that there is a great deal of ambivalence or vacillation herein and it may be your poetic device, using brown/blue, Troy/Carthage, hole/sphincter, funnel/sieve, Valhalla/Broom Hilda (being a wise ass in front of teacher). You may need to commit at some point. I am not a blue or brown man though, as a watercolor painter, I would swing with cerulean and sepia (I am certain those would kill your meter). I know there is music in here, but I can't hear it. I can discern a g-string from a semiquaver though, ha ha! I am most curious about the significance of broken bricks and singers. I will have to read this again to say much more. Refreshing work/Chris

[billy]

have a look at the indent and line space tags here

[ray]

Interesting poem, I don't get it all by any means but there's some nice passages and sweet rhymes. You seem to be likening the body to a room or building, which explains the broken bricks of the title, though not, to me, the distant singers.
Do you need silent before semiquavers? Who hears moths?

Fistfuls of moths beat their silent semiquavers
Against my brow;
I low like a doleful cow. - nice lines, but the next passage mystifies me.
The stench of beef,
Raw, and cut and sore
Pulls at me from the door.

The moon in this room is blue or, perhaps, brown
And leers like a clown - which sounds like a face
Or round tomb. The walls, which are taller
Than those of Troy or Carthage, push and pull -why Troy/Carthage?
Snap and splinter;
I tap; there’s a hole; now a sphincter. - lovely rhyme

My ears are funnels or sieves which hear
Valhalla and Brünnhilde’s infernal screeches
As incineration dissolves into inebriation. - best part of the poem but Troy/Carthage, now Valhalla!
Tell me, woman, of what do you sing? Do you sing
Of the river and the
Fall from grace
To damnation? I sing too.
Of broken bricks and
Distant singers.

[ChristopherSea]

By the way Eileen, for me the distant singer was Roger Waters; the song was, 'Another Brick in the Wall' for your barricaded damsel, quite distressed./Chris

[EileenGreay]

Thank you for all of your feedback! Billy, thank you for the edit - much appreciated!

Ray and Chris, you've given me so much to think about, thank you for taking the time to read this. My reasoning behind the use of Troy, Carthage, Valhalla - though I understand if to a reader the use seems obscure - is to draw attention to the space as both presence and absence: the walls of Troy and Carthage are only respectively mythologically or historically tall, and exist now only in our imaginations. When I talk about the walls of the room being taller than those of Troy and Carthage, I am talking of psychological not literal space. I'm not sure if I've expressed that very well here or in the poem itself - apologies! Also, apologies if the intertextual references here are somewhat dense - I composed this while rereading Eliot, and I feel that Preludes and The Waste Land fed into this poem quite a bit...

[ChristopherSea]

Thank you for all of your feedback! Billy, thank you for the edit - much appreciated!

Ray and Chris, you've given me so much to think about, thank you for taking the time to read this. My reasoning behind the use of Troy, Carthage, Valhalla - though I understand if to a reader the use seems obscure - is to draw attention to the space as both presence and absence: the walls of Troy and Carthage are only respectively mythologically or historically tall, and exist now only in our imaginations. When I talk about the walls of the room being taller than those of Troy and Carthage, I am talking of psychological not literal space. I'm not sure if I've expressed that very well here or in the poem itself - apologies! Also, apologies if the intertextual references here are somewhat dense - I composed this while rereading Eliot, and I feel that Preludes and The Waste Land fed into this poem quite a bit...

My pleasure Eileen. However, your use of Troy and Carthage were not obscure. My comment was suggesting that you consider picking one or the other, because there were so many dual choices herein (remember, I took the time to make a list). I thought that committing to one or the either might strengthen the poem in my opinion. Having this many twin alternatives, I did ask you if these were poetic device. Maybe you are using them to convey the ambivalence of the protagonist, that she was torn between multiple choices or between a Scylla and Charybdis. I had no doubt that your wall was a psychological one. My damsel in the tower reference inferred the same. When I read you poem again, I tried to hear your music. Hence the likening to the Pink Floyd’s metaphorical wall. The bricks fit for me, so I used them. I had hoped that you would have addressed some of these comments, but I realize that my review may have been too playful to be taken serious.[/color]

Unconventional note!
This crit is to be applauded for its thoughtfullness, its precision, its tone and its outstanding helpfullness....also because I agree with every word.
Best,
tectak[color=#00BFFF]

[EileenGreay]

Thank you for all of your feedback! Billy, thank you for the edit - much appreciated!

Ray and Chris, you've given me so much to think about, thank you for taking the time to read this. My reasoning behind the use of Troy, Carthage, Valhalla - though I understand if to a reader the use seems obscure - is to draw attention to the space as both presence and absence: the walls of Troy and Carthage are only respectively mythologically or historically tall, and exist now only in our imaginations. When I talk about the walls of the room being taller than those of Troy and Carthage, I am talking of psychological not literal space. I'm not sure if I've expressed that very well here or in the poem itself - apologies! Also, apologies if the intertextual references here are somewhat dense - I composed this while rereading Eliot, and I feel that Preludes and The Waste Land fed into this poem quite a bit...

My pleasure Eileen. However, your use of Troy and Carthage were not obscure. My comment was suggesting that you consider picking one or the other, because there were so many dual choices herein (remember, I took the time to make a list). I thought that committing to one or the either might strengthen the poem in my opinion. Having this many twin alternatives, I did ask you if these were poetic device. Maybe you are using them to convey the ambivalence of the protagonist, that she was torn between multiple choices or between a Scylla and Charybdis. I had no doubt that your wall was a psychological one. My damsel in the tower reference inferred the same. When I read you poem again, I tried to hear your music. Hence the likening to the Pink Floyd’s metaphorical wall. The bricks fit for me, so I used them. I had hoped that you would have addressed some of these comments, but I realize that my review may have been too playful to be taken serious.

Yes, I noted your comments on my lists of dualities: they were, indeed, there to convey a sense of ambivalence and rapid substitution (the sense of blue washing into brown, a clown distorting into the image of a tomb). I think maybe you are correct that in the 'Troy/Carthage' duality one could do, I will think about this.

Fascinated by your reading of the poem in the light of Pink Floyd - the distant singers I was thinking of were more operatic and Wagnerian, but also a reference to Wordsworth. Not sure if you are familiar with The Solitary Reaper, a great great poem. Contains these lines:

Will no one tell me what she sings?—
Perhaps the plaintive numbers flow
For old, unhappy, far-off things,
And battles long ago:

Broken bricks suggest an inability to create as well as a shattering of boundaries; distant singers, when read in the context of Wordsworth, suggest a detachment from beauty, and an inability to connect. Both the woman of the final stanza and the speaker (I don't believe I ever specify the speaker's gender) are singing, but this only emphasises the distance between them, and their inability to connect.

This doesn't cover all of your comments, I'm aware...I shall think more.

[ChristopherSea]

Thanks Eileen, I appreciate you taking the time to explain further. I knew that I had a reasonable grasp of your poem. Much obliged for the confirmation. Oh and I see and hear women everywhere! Flight of the Valkyries would certainly paint in Valhalla for me and brick walls may have a challenge withstanding its thundrous assault! Whether Wagner or Pink Floyd, we are still referring to the masters, ha ha. The Wordsworth passage is lovely and it's linkage and inspiration with respect to your title and close makes them all the more extraordinary./Chris