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"Rx"
Catatonic wacko
weaved in a shroud
from the
finger of Freud,
white linen,
drug drooled.
Gravy-rich passion,
yawning now,
aplomb wit
etherized,
yellow mind
goo.
Dynamo
magic melts
from serum pharm,
while my shrink
sleeps with
scripted contentment.
Intervenors, saviors,
fornicate freedom's
kaleidoscope,
covered by a
Depakote lens.
New periodic table
bends my will,
dulling the dagger
like afternoon rain,
like decaf drip,
like drone dreams.
Still I played roulette
in the yolk
of the Urals,
my own elixirs,
rewiring retired
neurons into
dancing daggers.
I gaze at the graves of Freudian flunkies.
The tail of the dragon dug their furrow.
From a maze in a fray of backpack monkeys,
pressing on with a passion to touch tomorrow.
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(07-11-2013, 12:48 PM)Vistaldust Wrote: "Rx"
Catatonic wacko
weaved in a shroud
from the
finger of Freud,
white linen,
drug drooled.
Gravy-rich passion,
yawning now,
aplomb wit
etherized,
yellow mind
goo.
Dynamo
magic melts
from serum pharm,
while my shrink
sleeps with
scripted contentment.
Intervenors, saviors,
fornicate freedom's
kaleidoscope,
covered by a
Depakote lens.
New periodic table
bends my will,
dulling the dagger
like afternoon rain,
like decaf drip,
like drone dreams.
Still I played roulette
in the yolk
of the Urals,
my own elixirs,
rewiring retired
neurons into
dancing daggers.
I gaze at the graves of Freudian flunkies.
The tail of the dragon dug their furrow.
From a maze in a fray of backpack monkeys,
pressing on with a passion to touch tomorrow.
I don't know how much experience you've had with poetry and I don't want to lead you astray, but I will give you my two cents. Have you considered your line breaks? Have you expressed any sentiments that could be shown in a more succinct manner? You have a series of terse lines followed by more prosaic longer lines was this done intentionally?
Posts: 85
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Joined: Jun 2013
No problem, Brownlie. I have a lot of experience writing poetry, and NO experience writing it properly.  . I did intentionally change style at the end. My reasons don't matter. This shit is all confusing. Published poetry seems like it's all over the place. Some of it is metered and some of it is broken apart. I guess experienced poets know where and when to do it.
Posts: 1,568
Threads: 317
Joined: Jun 2011
Since we're in novice I'll be sparing but there's a lot to like about this poem and it actually offers a good amount for critique.
(07-11-2013, 12:48 PM)Vistaldust Wrote: "Rx"
Catatonic wacko -- the idea of starting a poem with "catatonic" makes me quite happy I enjoy the assonance and consonance here. You have good control of sound. (I do wish "wacko" wasn't forever to be associated with Michael Jackson though, it's almost ruined the word!)
weaved in a shroud -- woven would work just as well and be more correct, unless it's the wacko doing the weaving, in which case what's he weaving the shroud around?
from the
finger of Freud, -- I have no problem with this line per se, except for the fact that you use "Freudian flunkies" later in the poem and I do think two Freuds in such close proximity is one too many
white linen,
drug drooled.
Gravy-rich passion,
yawning now,
aplomb wit -- I don't think "aplomb" is your clearest choice here
etherized,
yellow mind
goo.
Dynamo
magic melts
from serum pharm,
while my shrink
sleeps with
scripted contentment.
Intervenors, saviors,
fornicate freedom's
kaleidoscope,
covered by a
Depakote lens.
New periodic table
bends my will,
dulling the dagger
like afternoon rain,
like decaf drip, -- I think this strophe would be strengthened by dropping these last two likes, ie. "like afternoon rain, decaf drip, drone dreams".
like drone dreams.
Still I played roulette
in the yolk
of the Urals,
my own elixirs,
rewiring retired
neurons into
dancing daggers.
I gaze at the graves of Freudian flunkies.
The tail of the dragon dug their furrow.
From a maze in a fray of backpack monkeys,
pressing on with a passion to touch tomorrow.
I need to stop or I'll be going through line by line in the whole thing. You have excellent sonics, if occasionally tending toward a slight overuse of alliteration. Your lines for the most part have good rhythm and your breaks are generally good, although some of those strophes could actually benefit from mashing a couple of lines together and making them longer.
It could be worse
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Leanne, late reply on my part, but thank you for the thorough critique. I'll play around with this.
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