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Watching Out
Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
From door to bathroom, trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
Original
Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. -- Can you describe the wine in more detail what did the stain look like?
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. -- You have some interesting images but the syntax seems awkward and unnatural
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe. --This feels paternal, maybe its not, but I like the paternal feel if it is.
tectak
2013
I like the ear buds when juxtaposed with the paternal concern for safety. If it is a poem about a daughter I'd like to hear more. Hopefully my imagination hasn't conjectured too much. Keep posting poems. :j: Your feedback is valued.
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
I see the stamping as a reinforcement word. It works, It is a little repetitive though. Good imagery and set piece. I like the "worrying" it implies.
Posts: 1,279
Threads: 187
Joined: Dec 2016
(06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. "on, not upon"
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed. skipping the article before bathroom doesn't work. Also, why not just "bathroom door"?
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby. "greedily" feels like the wrong word but you do need something there.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing. it is not mine, but if it was I would eliminate "by" for a period - "hair swept. awkward winds. Breathing
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. "You breasts like uncared for kittens" is fucking awesome!!!
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep. "plugged in to mp3" is awkward
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
The repetition is inspired and very effective. Overall, this is a draft to be sure, but once you are done, this may end up being the poem I like the best from you.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(06-28-2013, 10:11 AM)milo Wrote: (06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. "on, not upon"
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed. skipping the article before bathroom doesn't work. Also, why not just "bathroom door"?
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby. "greedily" feels like the wrong word but you do need something there.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing. it is not mine, but if it was I would eliminate "by" for a period - "hair swept. awkward winds. Breathing
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. "You breasts like uncared for kittens" is fucking awesome!!!
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep. "plugged in to mp3" is awkward
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
The repetition is inspired and very effective. Overall, this is a draft to be sure, but once you are done, this may end up being the poem I like the best from you. Many,many thanks milo.
This is as near as I get to terse-verse and accordingly I pack as many errors as possible into a tiny space. The on-upon. Of course.
Missing "the" because it is from bedroom door to bathroom door. I tried to avoid double doors...so " From door to bathroom.."?
I need to think about the hair but "greedily" like a baby eats jam and gets it smeared around the mouth.
All will be taken up. I will workshop this one.
Best
tectak
(06-28-2013, 09:08 AM)Brownlie Wrote: (06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained. -- Can you describe the wine in more detail what did the stain look like?
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out. -- You have some interesting images but the syntax seems awkward and unnatural
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe. --This feels paternal, maybe its not, but I like the paternal feel if it is.
tectak
2013
I like the ear buds when juxtaposed with the paternal concern for safety. If it is a poem about a daughter I'd like to hear more. Hopefully my imagination hasn't conjectured too much. Keep posting poems.  Your feedback is valued. Hi brownlie,
You make me ponder. The wine? Elegant Frog, 2011. Stain uncertain but hopefully same wine. Looked like a squashed toad.
Meant to be a father checking on his daughters condition after lare night. We can have anything in the poem as there is only imagination in the scrabble bag.
I am workshopping this.
Thanks for your positive response but as it is about a completely fictional daughter you can think your own further thoughts with impunity from prosecution 
Best,
tectak
(06-28-2013, 09:50 AM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: (06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
I see the stamping as a reinforcement word. It works, It is a little repetitive though. Good imagery and set piece. I like the "worrying" it implies. Hi RC,
Your seul point was interesting. At one moment I nearly considered calling this one "Worrying Times".
Best,
tectak
Posts: 123
Threads: 15
Joined: Jun 2013
(06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Watching Out
Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
From door to bathroom, trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
Original
Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
In response to your previous post, (because I don't know how to quote multiple quotes) You picked a good title, feel like "Watching out" is more precise than "worrying times".
I like these edits..
"Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. " crumpled gives the same effect as crushed does but is more understood.
"From door to bathroom," It reads a great deal easier.
"Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out."
I like how you shortened it up. Could "Hardened" work here?
"Young breast like hardened kittens, out all night. Lights out."
I like the visual of the mp3. It reads fine without it because it is reinforced by "Pink wired ears, buzzing"
Some good edits.
I once told this blond chick to screw in a light bulb..
She got naked and asked "how do I get in it?"
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-08-2013, 04:34 PM)R.C. KITCHENS Wrote: (06-28-2013, 08:28 AM)tectak Wrote: Watching Out
Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
From door to bathroom, trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
Original
Dress crushed upon the floor. Wine stained. Stained.
Shoes apart by a full bed length. One heel broken. Broken.
Door to bathroom trail of bottles, tubes, potions, pills. Some crushed.
Lipstick smeared greedily around bursting, baby lips. Baby.
Leg dangling, arm dangling, hair swept by awkward winds. Breathing.
Young breasts like uncared for kittens that will stay out all night. Lights out.
Asleep but still plugged in to mp3. Pink wired ears, buzzing. Asleep.
4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe.
tectak
2013
In response to your previous post, (because I don't know how to quote multiple quotes) You picked a good title, feel like "Watching out" is more precise than "worrying times".
I like these edits..
"Dress crumpled, lying on the floor. " crumpled gives the same effect as crushed does but is more understood.
"From door to bathroom," It reads a great deal easier.
"Young breasts like uncared for kittens, out all night. Lights out."
I like how you shortened it up. Could "Hardened" work here?
"Young breast like hardened kittens, out all night. Lights out."
I like the visual of the mp3. It reads fine without it because it is reinforced by "Pink wired ears, buzzing"
Some good edits. I eat everything on my plate....but wtf is this...a hardened kitten unless I'm no gourmet...and I was expecting a soft young breast!
Best,
tectak
Posts: 136
Threads: 28
Joined: Dec 2012
I like this a lot, tec. Wonderfully descriptive, disturbing images of a familiar scenario. I can feel the sigh of relief here:
"4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe". Those little buggers, been there! thankfully, she is breathing. As you have declared, Hardened kittens would be hard to swallow, even hardened breast (at 17) won't do. The mention of her breasts seems gratuitous and doesn't really add anything to this fine piece of writing. Enjoyed it very much.
My best!
Heart
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-15-2013, 05:19 PM)Heartafire Wrote: I like this a lot, tec. Wonderfully descriptive, disturbing images of a familiar scenario. I can feel the sigh of relief here:
"4 a.m. Home. Safe. Seventeen. Safe". Those little buggers, been there! thankfully, she is breathing. As you have declared, Hardened kittens would be hard to swallow, even hardened breast (at 17) won't do. The mention of her breasts seems gratuitous and doesn't really add anything to this fine piece of writing. Enjoyed it very much.
My best!
Heart
Hi heart,
believe me, I thought hard and long about the budding breast bit but in the end decided it was best to leave it in as it conjures up so many parental paradigms...note that you are not supposed to know whether it is father or mother doing the night shift! Either way it evokes that peculiarly sad moment when you realise that your daughter is growing up and growing away from childhood...and you.
Best and thanks,
tectak
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