Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
IT may be a sort of absurd task to critique a Limerick but I'm curious.
Super Man
A Super superb man of steel
on film as an idol not real
the story the same
He fights in the fray
and evil is beaten in zeal
He’s faster than bullets that bounce
On Muscles that twitch not an ounce
He feels not a hint
Of pain yet the glint
Of justice he shines in a flounce.
When beating on evil what is felt?
When fists are to break and to pelt
In faces so teeth
Are broken beneath
His pummeling blows that are dealt.
Just for fun I'll add one more:
To read this correct we suggest
That you syncopate and not rest.
Say limerick quite quick
Else meter is sick
The words must be properly stressed!
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-13-2013, 10:03 PM)Brownlie Wrote: IT may be a sort of absurd task to critique a Limerick but I'm curious.
Super Man
A Super superb man of steel
on film as an idol not real
the story the same
He fights in the fray
and evil is beaten in zeal Impossible to follow what with clumsy phrasing and random line start capitalising. The only line which reads clean is L4 but itmeans zilch.
He’s faster than bullets that bounce
On Muscles that twitch not an ounce Utter rot. Capital M? Twitching measured in weight?
He feels not a hint
Of pain yet the glint
Of justice he shines in a flounce. I cannot read any more. This is first year kindergarden and wholly unworthy of you. The "..glint of justice he shines in a flounce" is just so dreadfull it is almost brilliant...but not.
When beating on evil what is felt?
When fists are to break and to pelt
In faces so teeth
Are broken beneath
His pummeling blows that are dealt.
Just for fun I'll add one more:
To read this correct we suggest
That you syncopate and not rest.
Say limerick quite quick
Else meter is sick
The words must be properly stressed! Hi brownlie,
Well, on first read this is bloody awful....but on subsequent reads it just gets worse and worse. I hope that satisfies your curiosity 
No...you deserve more than that.
Limericks rely on solid and reliable rhythm with slick and accomplished rhyme...this has neither. There is something else,though. Neatness of purpose. You need to make a clean and witty point in each stanza...not flap about drowning in a soupy gruel. What you have done here is bend language to achievethe limerick form without any serious attempt to write english. It is so Yoda-esque that it could only be made worse if a Vogon edited it In fact, you could almost call this a genre being so bad it is good!
Best,
tectak
Repost in fun. It should not be here
Posts: 5,057
Threads: 1,075
Joined: Dec 2009
hi brownlie, i seldom go the way of tome and sometimes find his words overly harsh. this time i have to concur and here's why. the meter feels wrong, and in such a short form it needs to be spot on. i thought the end rhymes worked but that was about it. one suggestion would be to post one poem at a time you could have posted one here, one in for fun and one in the limerick thread. the text below is from wiki ,though i'm sure there are better examples of how to do one.
Quote:The standard form of a limerick is a stanza of five lines, with the first, second and fifth rhyming with one another and having three feet of three syllables each; and the shorter third and fourth lines also rhyming with each other, but having only two feet of three syllables. The defining "foot" of a limerick's meter is usually the anapaest, (ta-ta-TUM), but limericks can also be considered amphibrachic (ta-TUM-ta).
The first line traditionally introduces a person and a place, with the place appearing at the end of the first line and establishing the rhyme scheme for the second and fifth lines. In early limericks, the last line was often essentially a repeat of the first line, although this is no longer customary.
Within the genre, ordinary speech stress is often distorted in the first line, and may be regarded as a feature of the form: "There was a young man from the coast;" "There once was a girl from Detroit…" Legman takes this as a convention whereby prosody is violated simultaneously with propriety.[6] Exploitation of geographical names, especially exotic ones, is also common, and has been seen as invoking memories of geography lessons in order to subvert the decorum taught in the schoolroom; Legman finds that the exchange of limericks is almost exclusive to comparatively well-educated males, women figuring in limericks almost exclusively as "villains or victims". The most prized limericks incorporate a kind of twist, which may be revealed in the final line or lie in the way the rhymes are often intentionally tortured, or both. Many limericks show some form of internal rhyme, alliteration or assonance, or some element of word play.
Verses in limerick form are sometimes combined with a refrain to form a limerick song, a traditional humorous drinking song often with obscene verses.
(07-13-2013, 10:03 PM)Brownlie Wrote: IT may be a sort of absurd task to critique a Limerick but I'm curious.
Super Man
A Super superb man of steel
on film as an idol not real
the story the same
He fights in the fray
and evil is beaten in zeal
He’s faster than bullets that bounce
On Muscles that twitch not an ounce
He feels not a hint
Of pain yet the glint
Of justice he shines in a flounce.flounce feels very feminine 
When beating on evil what is felt?
When fists are to break and to pelt
In faces so teeth
Are broken beneath
His pummeling blows that are dealt.
Just for fun I'll add one more:
To read this correct we suggest
That you syncopate and not rest.
Say limerick quite quick
Else meter is sick
The words must be properly stressed!
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
The Limericks are what they are but Superman is a symbol of Judgement. Read the Scarlet Letter and ask what the difference is between right and wrong and you'll realize superman is a harbinger of lynching and parading women on the pillory... Superman can't feel anything I guess that might make him a better judge then some homophobic bastard sick with fear and hate. Thank you for your comment.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-14-2013, 07:33 PM)Brownlie Wrote: The Limericks are what they are but Superman is a symbol of Judgement. Read the Scarlet Letter and ask what the difference is between right and wrong and you'll realize superman is a harbinger of lynching and parading women on the pillory... Superman can't feel anything I guess that might make him a better judge then some homophobic bastard sick with fear and hate. Thank you for your comment.
Browlie,
I hate to be the harbinger ( look up the meaning of words if unsure. I do) of broken dreams, but Superman is not real. He is made up.
Best,
tectak
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
(07-14-2013, 10:41 PM)tectak Wrote: (07-14-2013, 07:33 PM)Brownlie Wrote: The Limericks are what they are but Superman is a symbol of Judgement. Read the Scarlet Letter and ask what the difference is between right and wrong and you'll realize superman is a harbinger of lynching and parading women on the pillory... Superman can't feel anything I guess that might make him a better judge then some homophobic bastard sick with fear and hate. Thank you for your comment.
Browlie,
I hate to be the harbinger ( look up the meaning of words if unsure. I do) of broken dreams, but Superman is not real. He is made up.
Best,
tectak
Yes you're right but the ideals that Superman stand for are still alive. Hence, the use of a limerick which seems to suggest a comedic tone appropriate for satire. You're a good guy Tec.  Great comments.
Posts: 2,602
Threads: 303
Joined: Feb 2017
(07-13-2013, 10:03 PM)Brownlie Wrote: IT may be a sort of absurd task to critique a Limerick but I'm curious.
Super Man
A Super superb man of steel
on film as an idol not real
the story the same
He fights in the fray
and evil is beaten in zeal
There once was a man made of steel,
a mythical chap some thought real.
Oft' busy on screen,
with underpants seen,
crime fighting with strange sex appeal.
He’s faster than bullets that bounce
On Muscles that twitch not an ounce
He feels not a hint
Of pain yet the glint
Of justice he shines in a flounce.
When beating on evil what is felt?
When fists are to break and to pelt
In faces so teeth
Are broken beneath
His pummeling blows that are dealt.
Just for fun I'll add one more:
To read this correct we suggest
That you syncopate and not rest.
Say limerick quite quick
Else meter is sick
The words must be properly stressed!
Posts: 574
Threads: 80
Joined: May 2013
|
