The night of the hedgehog

[serge gurkski]

The alley of linden trees oozed out honey into the nocturnal air …
May had been delayed till deep June.
Butterflies and bees pouted like wallflowers
whose lovers had not shown up at their rendez-vous
and some even grieved so much that they died.

A hedgehog scampered over the lawn,
the secret of his astonishing speed
safeguarded smirkingly by a conspirative night.
Next to this prickly fellow a man obviously
untrained in moving around on all fours
seemed to be looking for something
he had lost: sobriety, balance or money
or possibly all of these valuables at the same time.

I gave the compelling inner coherence
of my assumption based upon the human condition
a passing thought while passing this human by,
benevolently pretending nonchalant neglect of his misery,
before returning again to take care of my own.

...........................................................................................

A hedgehog, unlike the one whose brain and guts I saw spread over the asphalt last night (to my lesser delight), when still in good shape, looks like this sometimes:

[attachment=96]

[billy]

in places it feels a bit wordy, it also feels a lot like prose. it's a good story but the 2nd and 3rd stanza are mainly tell. the story itself is complete in getting across the kindness and the sadness or worry of the 1st person (narrator) it just needs to be less prose like

great to see you back young man

The alley of linden trees oozed out its honey into the nocturnal air … is [it's] needed, as it's a given whos the honey is?
May had been delayed till deep into June. is [into]needed as deep june has more to it than just the telling
Butterflies and bees pouted like wallflowers
whose lovers had not shone up at their rendez-vous did you mean shown?
and some even grieved so much that they died.

A hedgehog scampered over the lawn,
the secret of his astonishing speed
safeguarded smirkingly by a conspirative night.
Next to this prickly fellow a man obviously
untrained in moving around on all fours
seemed to be looking for something
he had lost: sobriety, balance or money
or possibly all of these valuables at the same time.

I gave the compelling inner coherence
of my assumption based upon the human condition
a passing thought while passing this human by,
benevolently pretending nonchalant neglect of his misery,
before returning again to take care of my own.
-----------------------------

A hedgehog, unlike the one whose brain and guts I saw spread over the asphalt last night (to my lesser delight), when still in good shape, looks like this sometimes:

[serge gurkski]

in places it feels a bit wordy, it also feels a lot like prose. it's a good story but the 2nd and 3rd stanza are mainly tell. the story itself is complete in getting across the kindness and the sadness or worry of the 1st person (narrator) it just needs to be less prose like

great to see you back young man

The alley of linden trees oozed out its honey into the nocturnal air … is [it's] needed, as it's a given whos the honey is?
May had been delayed till deep into June. is [into]needed as deep june has more to it than just the telling
Butterflies and bees pouted like wallflowers
whose lovers had not shone up at their rendez-vous did you mean shown?
and some even grieved so much that they died.

A hedgehog scampered over the lawn,
the secret of his astonishing speed
safeguarded smirkingly by a conspirative night.
Next to this prickly fellow a man obviously
untrained in moving around on all fours
seemed to be looking for something
he had lost: sobriety, balance or money
or possibly all of these valuables at the same time.

I gave the compelling inner coherence
of my assumption based upon the human condition
a passing thought while passing this human by,
benevolently pretending nonchalant neglect of his misery,
before returning again to take care of my own.
-----------------------------

A hedgehog, unlike the one whose brain and guts I saw spread over the asphalt last night (to my lesser delight), when still in good shape, looks like this sometimes:

billy:
whose lovers had not shone up at their rendez-vous did you mean shown?

yeah! dammit: shown! ;-)


I felt inclined to skip the rest of my reply. ,-)

[R.C. KITCHENS]

The alley of linden trees oozed out honey into the nocturnal air …
May had been delayed till deep June.
Butterflies and bees pouted like wallflowers
whose lovers had not shown up at their rendez-vous
and some even grieved so much that they died.

A hedgehog scampered over the lawn,
the secret of his astonishing speed
safeguarded smirkingly by a conspirative night.
Next to this prickly fellow a man obviously
untrained in moving around on all fours
seemed to be looking for something
he had lost: sobriety, balance or money
or possibly all of these valuables at the same time.

I gave the compelling inner coherence
of my assumption based upon the human condition
a passing thought while passing this human by,
benevolently pretending nonchalant neglect of his misery,
before returning again to take care of my own.

...........................................................................................

A hedgehog, unlike the one whose brain and guts I saw spread over the asphalt last night (to my lesser delight), when still in good shape, looks like this sometimes:

It is more telling and along the lines of prose in the 2nd and 3rd stanza's. I liked how it went from that transition. It was a subtle transition. It didnt get wordy to me till the third stanza. "inner" in the third stanza could be dropped and it would still read fine. also "passing" is used twice in one line, dont know if another word could suit better. It is definately readable and with a direction. I like it.

[tectak]

The alley of linden trees oozed out honey into the nocturnal air …"the alley of" may not be necessary. It adds not a lot and disturbs the internal meter."Linden trees oozed their honey into the nocturnal air" … Your poem
May had been delayed till deep June.
Butterflies and bees pouted like wallflowers
whose lovers had not shown up at their rendez-vous
and some even grieved so much that they died. Bit of a long disconnect here. Death of butterfies and bees or death of flowers? (which, biologically speaking, die AFTER fertilisation)This is still, though, a very pleasing stanza. I applaud your imagery.

A hedgehog scampered over the lawn,
the secret of his astonishing speed
safeguarded smirkingly by a conspirative night.I like this in its naivety, like a child who believes that ducks have no legs, being hidden in "conspirative" water!
Next to this prickly fellow a man obviouslyShaky syntax, here. Comma after fellow...but there is more wrong in the sentence. Needs looking at. Having said that, it is not unclear.
untrained in moving around on all fours
seemed to be looking for something
he had lost: sobriety, balance or money
or possibly all of these valuables at the same time. Good if wordy and contextually slightly alien to the opening stanza. Sergical procedures in evidence

I gave the compelling inner coherence
of my assumption based upon the human condition now you're getting very windy...there is too much gas in this line. And, sadly, you continue with similar eructations. It is beginning to read like an elocution exercise. Two humans.
a passing thought while passing this human by, Yes, I know. I am passing on this one as it is going to be explained as deliberate...I just know it!
benevolently pretending nonchalant neglect of his misery,
before returning again to take care of my own. I have forgotten what we were talking about...your own what-was-it you had to take care of?

Hi serge,
I have to ask what the hell was all this about? You or a hedgehog?
You lost the plot mid play and ad-libbed to the end. As always, it is insightful BUT of more interest to aspirational hedgehogs. Don't get all prickly, now. After all, S1 is beautiful.
Best,
tectak

...........................................................................................

A hedgehog, unlike the one whose brain and guts I saw spread over the asphalt last night (to my lesser delight), when still in good shape, looks like this sometimes:

[serge gurkski]

R.C. and Tom: Thank you to both of you. Valid points. No time right now. Will (as Tom knew anyway) get back on this.
cheers
serge

oh, Tom: not prickly, just unshaved ,-)